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'chances to experience the terrific Core' - Why Uchicago


phhai 7 / 25  
Jan 2, 2012   #1
Well, first of all , Happy New Year guys
I have been stuck with my application with Uchicago for a while,
and i just want you guys to take a look , and spot for grammatical errors please
I will return the favor :)
Thanks
-----------------
To be honest, there was no time at all before I lost my heart to the University of Chicago. However, as many optimists may say: "True love might come at first-sight".

I was not even informed of this University before the admission office sent the emails to me. As I remember, it was a message about some silly 50-foot robot. Back then, I had a very blur image of what this university, not to mention the blank page about its library. It took me a few glances into the mail, and I was snapped out of my day dreaming. "What ? A robot ? A giant robot ? Wait, that is so not silly ? How cool is that?". I was raised up in the blooming ages of technology, and my childhood was bonded to the images of transforming robots from outside the universe, so the first thing I would ever dream of, is such amazing library that equipped you with so advanced technology that cures one from boredom. It was a lightning, which sparkled up my ambition to get in this university.

Please do not judge me as shallow or juvenile, but the affection for this university grows daily. I was totally mesmerized by many exciting extended essay questions, and same as any lovers, I spent my days and nights struggling for the perfect answer. It was both a feeling of nervous, mixed with excitement, when I imagine how my application would be perceived. Day after day, I was even more thrilled about the school. It has great such great appearance, as it gives such wonderful feeling by the combination of gothic designs and high-tech appliances. I was overwhelming with the remarkable people who graduated from the university, from the pioneer of loop quantum gravity such as professor Abhay Ashtekar, to the hilarious writer Hayden Schlossberg, who directed many of the funniest movies. A chill ran through my spine when I visualize the picture in which many students in my future school will be such fascinating people. Witty minds, with wry humor.

I would be involved in so many great things in this university. I would love the chances to experience the terrific Core. There is so much to learn in such extensive fields. I can see this as a chance for me to connect to an outside world, to be introduced to new boundaries, instead of being caged in a restricted area of knowledge. If given the opportunity, I would definitely make use of the Academic Advising System, to fully extend my abilities in a studious way.

I believe university is a place where one is explored and educated, not to be trained or tamed. Since my feeling for you, University of Chicago, is so vigorous, I believe my expectations will be fully fulfilled.
Kylemac 1 / 5  
Jan 2, 2012   #2
Back then, I had a very blurred image of what this university, not to mention the blank page about its library.-Consider revising syntax

is such an amazing library that

such advanced technology

nervousness and excitement ,

It has great such great appearance, as it gives such wonderful feeling by the combination of gothic designs and high-tech appliances.-Needs revision

I was overwhelmed with the remarkable people who graduated from the university,

I believe this university is a place where one is explored and educated, not to be trained or tamed. Since my feeling for you, University of Chicago, is so vigorous, I believe my expectations will be fully fulfilled.-Consider revising

I trust you will stand by your word when you said you will return the favor so pleazeee check out my thread! Good Luck!
worried26 1 / 23  
Jan 3, 2012   #3
Other than what Kylemac pointed out, I don't see any other grammatical errors...

I like it a lot! You list specific things about the university and the things you look forward to, which is great because most of the time people have difficulty in describing specifically why they want to go to a certain school. My only suggestion is that you briefly describe what you wish to do with the terrific Core and the Academic Advising System. What are the things you wish to experience in particular? What courses will you probably take and why? Other than that, great job on the essay! :)

Could you look at my UChicago essay as well? I would REALLY appreciate it! :)
OP phhai 7 / 25  
Jan 3, 2012   #4
revised version :)
----------------------
To be honest, there was no time at all before I lost my heart to the University of Chicago. However, as many optimists may say: "True love might come at first-sight".

I was not even informed of this university before the admission office sent the emails to me. As I remember, it was a message about some silly 50-foot robot. Back then, I had a very blurred image of this university, so I was blank about its library. After a few glances into the mail, I was snapped out of my day dreaming. "What ? A robot ? A giant robot ? Wait, that is so not silly ? How cool is that?". I was raised up in the blooming ages of technology, and my childhood was bonded to the images of transforming robots from outside the universe, so the first thing I would ever dream of, is such an amazing library that equipped you with such advanced technology that cures one from boredom. It was a lightning, which sparkled up my ambition to get in this university.

Please do not judge me as shallow or juvenile, but the affection for this university grows daily. I was totally mesmerized by many exciting extended essay questions, and same as any lovers, I spent my days and nights struggling for perfect answers. It was both a feeling of nervousness, mixed with excitement, when I imagine how my application would be perceived. Day after day, I was even more thrilled about the school. It has such great appearance given by the combination of gothic designs and high-tech appliances. I was overwhelmed with the remarkable people who graduated from the university, from the pioneer of loop quantum gravity such as professor Abhay Ashtekar, to the hilarious writer Hayden Schlossberg, who directed many of the funniest movies. A chill ran through my spine when I visualize the picture in which many students in my future school will be such fascinating people. Witty minds, with wry humor.

I would be involved in so many great things in this university. I would love the chances to experience the terrific Core. There is so much to learn in such extensive fields. I am excited to participate in Humanities Class like Human Being and Citizen, or later in Physical Sciences course like Introduction to Astrophysics. I can see this as a chance for me to connect to an outside world, to be introduced to new boundaries, instead of being caged in a restricted area of knowledge. If given the opportunity, I would definitely make use of the Academic Advising System, to fully extend my abilities in a studious way.

I believe a university is a place where one is explored and educated, not to be trained or tamed. I have a vigorous feeling that when I am with you, University of Chicago, my expectations will be fully fulfilled.
myjeselle 4 / 3  
Jan 3, 2012   #5
this is a good essay! but i'm kinda iffy about the first line. the phrase "no time at all " strikes me as a little unusual. i think maybe it's the wording. perhaps you can change it up a little bit? maybe you can find another phrase to replace it, but that still conveys the same meaning.
kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #6
your revised essay is very well written. And I agree with myjeselle about the phrase "no time at all ". Try to find a different phrase for it. How about "there wasn't any moment at all "? You don't have to agree with it, but it's just a thought.

Can you also look at my revised UChicago essay please? any feedback is appreciated. Thank you :)
m7md 4 / 16  
Jan 3, 2012   #7
pretty good! just read a few more times to make sure everything is in place


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