How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.
I grew up in the quiet suburbs of New Jersey and quite honestly, I am looking for a change of pace. There is not much to do around the area that I live in, and I am getting very bored of the slow-paced environment. I love New York City because there is always something to do. One can go to a famous restaurant, visit museums, watch movies, etc. I wish I can drive to New York every single day, but I can't since the trip is quite lengthy. If I love New York City so much, why wouldn't I want to attend a college in that city you ask? Well, I just love the city of Chicago even more. I attended one of the basketball camps for UChicago and after being impressed by the amazing campus, I thought "Downton Chicago must have a lot to offer then!" What I saw blew me away. From each unique building to the marvelous Navy Pier and to the vast Lake Michigan, the city simply took my breath away. There are endless amount of activities that a person can do in this city and it is impossible to wrap my head around it. In my opinion, Chicago is a refined (and definitely cleaner) version of NYC. Chicago has that fast paced lifestyle that I yearn for.
More important than the city is the education and the school itself. Based from what I have read from the website, I am truly impressed by UChicago's mission to promote diversity in the school community. It is true that someone can learn a lot about a person's ethnic and cultural backgrounds just by asking them on the campus. However, to truly understand someone's cultural identity, I believe an individual needs to step in that person's shoes and travel to their place of origin to explore. I consider myself as a cosmopolitan and I love learning about people so therefore, I think UChicago's study abroad programs are right for me. Growing up, I never had the opportunity to really travel and I was always stuck in my little suburban bubble. Seeing people on TV like Andrew Zimmern connecting with others through food lit a spark in my heart. There is an adventurous itch in me and I want to satiate it by seeing the world and learning about different cultures, which I think is a beautiful thing. Who wouldn't want to receive a top-notch education from an elite school while immersing oneself into a different culture?
From what I have heard, several of UChicago's alumni have gone on to intern or work as hedge fund analysts. I want to work as an analyst because I find collecting and interpreting data interesting. It is fascinating that someone can just use an algorithm to predict a rise or fall in stocks, considering how unpredictable and volatile the stock market is. I believe that receiving a statistics major from UChicago is a key stepping stone for me to achieve that goal. My father also owns a manufacturing business that he himself has started from scratch. And for that, there are no words that can describe about how proud of him I truly am. Initially, I thought that running a business was too much hard work but my mindset changed as I matured and grew older. Instead of thinking that running a business is a burden, I began to think that as a businessman you have a role to contribute to the economy in order for it to burgeon and succeed. And with a good economy comes with more jobs and opportunities for others to prosper as well. However, I am not quite ready yet to accept this role. I know that conducting business isn't a simple transaction of goods and money between two different parties. There are several other factors involved too whether they are intangible or not. This is why I also want an economics major. I want a thorough understanding of these factors and how they will affect a business. I want to answer questions like "How will the workforce change with technological advancements?" and use these answers to make a decision that is best for the business. I am confident that an economics major from UChicago will prepare me to tackle on the challenges of running a successful business that will contribute to the economy.
Being situated close to the marvelous city of Chicago while offering one of the world's best educations, the University of Chicago is definitely the right choice for me.
Your motivation seems quite clear in the essay, which is good! I think you have to check commas as part of grammer.
... other factors involved too, whether they are intangible or not.
Beyond a lot of grammatical errors that you need to clean up, I think your essay really needs a lot of polishing.
While you list a lot of good points, and I think you relate these points back to yourself pretty well, remember that this is an essay and there needs to be a flow to your paragraphs. What I see from your essay are three distinctive blocks of words, there is no connection between any of your paragraphs aside from the fact that they all relate to UChicago. Remember, these essays should almost tell like a story, and you need to have a continuation from your start to finish, rather than a list only expanded by details. Not just between your paragraphs, but also try to make sure each paragraph in itself flows well. For example, your first paragraph feels like you are simply making a lot of statements to the fact "If I love New York City ... a lot to offer then!" is very disjointed and there is no connection between the fact that you love Chicago more (why?) than NY and the fact that you participated in a basketball camp at UChicago.
Also, some parts of your essay read a little too bluntly in my opinion. For example, the paragraph about your aspirations to work in a hedge fund seems very prestige-seeking. While true that UChicago has good placements in the field of finance, you might want to be more subtle about it and focus more on the fact that UChicago might have a good statistics program with a professor you really like, etc. And again, the part about your statistics major and then moving on to your father's owning of a business and your wish to also get a major in Economics also needs some sort of connection.
While not of the same prompt, try looking at this essay written by a UChicago alumni (fyuchicago.tumblr.com/post/5669553195/a-sample-uncommon-essay) and see how the writer carefully crafted his essay into a story. Comparatively, your essay reads very much like a list.
Hope this helps!
