"Choose an issue of importance to you ï the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope ï and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."
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Here is the essay. hope it makes sence. I think is too long, but really don't know what to take out. Please help me eliminate unnecessary sentences or paragraphs. THANK YOU!!!!
According to Wikipedia.com change is, "The process of becoming different." Change in a person's life can represent progress, while for another it can represent calamity. In my case, while I was growing up, change represented a total disaster. However, as I became wiser, I realized that yes, change in one's life can be either positive or negative and can represent progress or calamity, but in the final analysis it is one's own choice as to what to make change represent.
Growing up was not easy for me. I was born in Ado-Ekiti, in Ekiti State, Nigeria. Until the age of five my life was fantastic. I was the first and only son of the next King to the throne of Ire-Ekiti, a small city in the heart of Nigeria. Until my brother was born, I had everything I wanted, especially the attention of my parents and all the relatives. My freedom ended when my brother started crawling because I could no longer go out and play anytime I wanted. I was forced to stay home and watch him so he would not hurt himself. Many times I had to sit down on the floor and have him sit on my lap so that he could be comfortable while drinking from his bottle.
In my opinion, my life changed for the worst when I turned six years old. My parents decided to migrate to Italy for work, and my brother and I were left with relatives. Initially, I did not grasp the meaning of the situation, not because I was too small to understand, but because I was very happy that I was going to be living with my "favorite" uncle and aunt, plus their three children. The only little sadness I felt at the time was that I would not see my mother for a while.
Living with my relatives was not as fun as I thought or expected it would be. The first couple of years were nice. I really didn't feel the absence of my parents. However, things didn't remain that way. My "substitute" parents' attitude toward my brother and I started to change. They made us understand that we were not at the same level as their children. At eight years old, I found myself taking care of myself and my three-year old brother. Other than making sure we were fed, bathed, and clothed, my relatives did not care for us. Rarely did I and my brother enjoy the candies, cookies and other treats that my cousins enjoyed everyday. We would receive candies only when other relatives came to visit. My cousins had the privilege of after-school private lessons, but I had to study and do my homework alone. I studied twice has hard to get good grades, if not better grades, than my cousins. I went from being a little boy of eight years of age to gradually changing into a little adult. It didn't take me long to understand that I needed to take charge of my life and discipline myself because no one else was going to do it for me.
Even though one of our parents would visit us at least once a year, at the age of eleven I found myself no longer caring for them. I was angry with them. I wanted answers to why they both had to leave us to suffer. Still today, those questions remain unanswered. My brother on the other hand, was in a worst situation than I. He was one year old when our parents left, so he did not know them. Therefore, he did not have any sort of feelings of affection towards them. The only real family he believed he had was me.
It was the summer of my twelfth year that another change impacted my life, but this time it was a positive one. My mother came to visit and announced that she was not returning alone to Italy. Her visit was to come and take her children back with her. My brother and I were really happy and excited at the idea of leaving the country and going on a plane for the first time. After getting over the cultural shock of a new country, life and language, living in Italy was amazing. We got to play after school and have fun, learn new things, have new experiences, and come home to mom and dad, and have dinner together. Those were the most beautiful moments of my life. In a way, I was a happy child again.
Growing up I did not have anyone to guide me and encourage me that I could accomplish anything I wanted. I taught, disciplined and encouraged myself. I used to be bitter toward my parents for leaving us, but I am no more. I am actually a little thankful. Going through the six years following my sixth birthday made me who I am today. Without those experiences I don't think I would be the strong and motivated human being that I am today. Instead, I definitely think that I would be a spoiled person who expects his parents to provide for all his needs. This period of my life proved to me that I can do anything I set my mind to no matter how hard it is and no matter what people say. I've come to realize and believe that anything is possible if I want to achieve it, and saying the words "I can't" just means that I don't really want it. I still get worried whenever a change occurs in my life, but I have learned to make the best of it. Change used to represent calamity in my life, but now it represent progress -- a process necessary to mature.
I don't think you should use the Wiki information. It is always considered a bad source of info in academic writing...
According to Wikipedia.com change is, "The process of becoming different."
I like this part, but i would make a small change: Change in a one person's life can represent progress, while for another it can represent calamity.
The writing will be more poignant with fewer words:
However, as I became wiser, I realized that yes, change in one's life can be either positive or negative and can represent progress or calamity, but in the final analysis it is one's own choice as to what to make change represent. -----Within this sentence, you had stated the obvious... and that makes the reader stop paying attention.
...for the worse when I...
I've come to realize and believe that anything is possible if I want to achieve it,-----This is a cliche. The reader already has heard of this idea. Your essay must be unique and powerful. Do not let a sentence like this one appear in the essay, because it is not powerful or interesting.
I think the rest of the story is VERY interesting. Also, I love the way you returned to that "change" theme at the end. Still, I hope you can revise this so that it focuses more on the aspiration that is associated with your career of choice. What can you call the "issue" here? Make a connection with the issue and your career plan.
:-)
"Change" or "Change in my life"
These titles don't do anything to my mind.
When you give a title, give a title that will RAISE A QUESTION in the reader's mind.
Here is the theme that I see at the end of the first paragraph:
"change in one's life can be either positive or negative and can represent progress or calamity, but in the final analysis it is one's own choice as to what to make change represent."
You Can Choose What Your Change Represents
This is a title that raises a question and helps to plant your idea in the reader's mind. I don't know if it is the best title to use, but I give it to you here to demonstrate how to raise a question in the reader's mind.
:-)
