Please give honest opinion for my essay. thanks.
We are always changing. The world we live in is always changing. Today is nothing like yesterday, and tomorrow will not be the same as today. The world I come from and the world I live in right now are also not the same. I come from a large city of India, at least fifteen times bigger than the one I live in right now. There, I lived with people who thrived for success. I lived with people who would take on new challenges, not minding the risks and consequences they brought. I lived in a place where we worked hard to achieve our goals, and not matter what, we never gave up. I had set great high achieving goals for myself, just like the people of my community. These beliefs are the true inspiration that helped me shape my world.
When I lived in India, I always believed that everyone else around the world lived a happy life just like I did. But of course, that wasn't really the case. When my family and I came to America, I realized then that our lives, my life in particular, was going to change. I couldn't live the life of luxury anymore. My family and I struggled a lot in order to settle in. I struggled in school, trying for the best at everything. It wasn't easy, but I just kept thinking to myself, this is all just a big test, to see if I can handle myself in other places besides home.
Things were going great for everyone. School had become easy, too easy I should say. But a bigger challenge came on, the biggest one yet, when high school started. I challenged myself with all honors the first year. But when the grades came in, they weren't good. My academic grades dropped like a bomb. I struggled a lot through the first two years of high school, and my grades continued to be bad. Then I soon realized what the problem was. I had given up. On myself, on my values and beliefs. I thought back to my home country then, and how the people over there took on great challenges. They were like brave warriors going into war. And those warriors had to go through training first; they also had failed, probably multiple times, but they learned from their mistakes. I should've trained myself before taking on those challenges in high school. I thought I was ready but I wasn't.
Even after making mistakes, I never truly gave up. I still kept trying for the best. I believe my community has helped shape most of my world. They inspired me to work hard, learn from my mistakes, work hard and never ever give up. My community helped me set goals and aspirations for a good and successful future.
Here are some of my suggestions:
Try not to talk about your grades in your essay and your third paragraph belongs in the extra comments section of the UC application. Elaborate more on your past and current community. Your last paragraph is too short and you can write more on how your community has shaped you. Lastly, get your essay checked by your english teacher because you made a lot of grammatical mistakes in your essay. If I were you, I would completely rewrite this essay if you are aiming for the top UCs.
you mention "challenges" in your second paragraph. you could strengthen your essay by providing concrete examples of hardships. did you expereience any cultural shocks? was it hard to make friends? at least provide some examples of "challenges"
your essay is easy to read and clearly conveys your message
side note: if u posted the prompt, it would make it for others to read and respond
best of luck!
