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"Changing lives of so many people" ; UT Austin Transfer- SOP


franktank07 1 / 2  
Feb 27, 2009   #1
I would just like to take the time and thank anyone and everyone who reads this essay before hand.

The topic:

I stood stiff as my eyes were fixed into the anesthesiologist's calm stance while he injected a syringe filled with a concoction of general anesthesia, which he called "milk of amnesia," into the IV. A surge of energy simultaneously left my body. My senses weakened as the world around me began to slow down. Silence filled the room and I focused my attention on the rhythm of my beating heart. I was disturbed by a faint voice that seemed to be calling my name. "Frank, the patient is safely sedated and you can move closer now," said the surgeon. Taking a step forward, reality settled in as the surgeon began the procedure.

I starred down at a middle aged man who had a noticeably large scar which ran vertically down his abdomen. The surgeon explained that this man was from Argentina, and the scar was a result of a surgery he had at a young age. The man was experiencing intense abdominal pains that could not be explained, so an exploratory surgery was performed. The surgeon believed that there was something constricting his intestine, which would explain his discomfort. He carefully pulled the small intestine out of the man's body, making sure to scan every inch. This process reminded me of a magician pulling an endless stream of handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. The man had a small amount of scar tissue that was obstructing passage through his small intestine. The surgeon delicately cut away at the scar tissue and immediately the passage reopened.

This man had been suffering for weeks, and the surgeon, using his knowledge and skills, was able to successfully help him in a matter of minutes. The patient was able to return to his family, and continue his normal life all because of the surgeon. You could see the joy radiate from the family when the surgeon told them the surgery was successful. This is a memory I will never forget, and at this moment I realized my purpose in life was to pursue a career in medicine.

This experience motivated me to volunteer at a local nursing home. My time there revolved around helping the residents with their daily activities. Listening to their stories and building relationships with these people made me better appreciate the importance of life. The skills I acquired at the nursing home helped me become a certified nursing assistant. Though I am very proud of this achievement, it is a small stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of becoming a physician. This career has the potential to change the lives of so many people, and it would make me proud to be able to contribute. To help one person, yet alone thousands of people, will give my life true meaning. I am pursuing a dream that with my persistence, motivation and dedication will, in time, become a reality.
ChicitaGatita 2 / 7  
Feb 27, 2009   #2
Hi FrankTank!

Good luck with your application, I'm excited for you.

I like the introduction as it hooked me in and made me intrigued. There was some confusion for me regarding the "milk of amnesia" being added to the IV and your reaction. Initially I thought you were the patient so I became confused and had to go back and re-read the first paragraph. When I realised you were an observer I still wasn't sure what your role was and a little more clarity would be helpful. I like that you're "painting a picture" rather than providing facts but it would be nice to know how you ended up in the room while surgery was occuring, because I was left with more questions than answers about you.

I have no medical training so what I'm about to say may not be appropriate but it seemed a bit melodramatic to say that he was able to return to his family and continue his life. Did the constriction in his intestine threaten his life? I can see that potentially it might if it meant the patient wasn't able to digest/excrete properly. It would be helpful to have a bit more fleshing out of the patient's prior symptoms, how it had effected him and what the consequences of no treatment would be. Then I'd be better able to appreciate the value of the surgery. It doesn't matter how mundane surgery is (gallstones) to the patient it's important so don't worry if it's not life threatening.

The phrase "I have the necessary skills, dedication, and motivation required to become an excellent physician" is a stock standard type of phrase and many, many applicants will say something like this. Remember anyone can say I am X,Y, and Z but what the admissions committee will be looking for are examples from your own life that demonstrate these qualities. So for example you volunteering shows your dedication to helping people, your willingness to help with the mundane (daily activities), your patience and compassion, your ability to build rapport and develop relationships. I would actually make that explicit. Your ability to view surgery shows your ability to deal with blood and gore, to remain calm in a stressful situation, etc, etc.

If possible I would also talk about your ability to work long hours, to problem solve and make decisions under extreme pressure.

Have a think about what qualities, skills etc a doctor needs. Create a list of these and then see if you can provide examples from your own life that demonstrate this.

I hope this helps.

I'm so excited for you

Cheers!
Amanda
OP franktank07 1 / 2  
Feb 27, 2009   #3
thank you so much..i will take this into deep consideration when i edit my paper..

i need some help on my intro..i am trying to make the reader believe that i am the one that is being put to sleep..but in reality i am actually watching the surgery...i donno i think it would be a cool twist.. any help on that would be appreciated

i agree with your comment on everyone saying things like "i am x y z", so would you suggest i just take that out of my paper completely?...i dont want to make the essay too long but i could go on for pages explaining everything that happened that day so i tried to keep the story short...the obstruction of his intestine was (im not 100% sure since im not a doctor..but im pretty sure) not life threatening but it would be very very painful...

my thoughts are not all organized here but i would like more feedback from you and anyone else
OP franktank07 1 / 2  
Feb 27, 2009   #4
i am going to bed soon so i decided to post the changes i have made...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 28, 2009   #5
A surge of energy simultaneously left my body. My senses weakened as the world around me began to slow down.

This (above) does a good job of getting the right effect of you being the one on the table.
I stood stiff as my eyes were fixed ...the word "stood" threw me off some.

I stared down at a middle aged man who had a noticeably large scar which ran vertically down his abdomen.

The surgeon explained that this man was from Argentina, and the scar was a result of a surgery he'd had at a young age.

You could see the joy radiate from the family when they were told that the surgery was successful.

This is a memory I will never forget, and at that moment I realized my purpose in life was to pursue a career in medicine.

To help one person, let alone thousands of people, will give my life true meaning.

Watch out for mixing past and present tense...oh, also, I think it could very well BE life threatening...didn't Andy Gibb (from the BeeGees) die from an intestinal blockage?

Good luck in school

:)


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