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I'm a charismatic leader who loves school,BU Supplement- 3 words to describe you


medelman2010 11 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
Hey,

I am really not happy with this essay, so any edits and suggestions are very greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community. Characters available 4000

Often, I spend more time at school than I do at home. This is not because I dislike my home, but because I take my responsibilities to my school very seriously. As an Executive on the student council, many times I arrive before school starts to set up for events or activities. Frequently I stay at school after nightfall, planning, creating, and promoting different student initiatives. I love what I do and certainly do not regret giving back to JCHS, a school that has provided me with such amazing opportunities to develop as a person.

I would describe myself as a "leader;" it is my passion and my talent. I am "inquisitive;" I love the quest for new information and knowledge. I am "charismatic;" interacting with people is one of my greatest joys. I believe that these three aspects of my character will contribute a great deal to the BU community.

Growing up, the qualities necessary for successful leadership were always considered of the highest importance in my family. Both of my parents are involved in numerous leadership positions in our community. They taught me about the qualities of hard work, dedication, and vision. My parents embody these qualities and serve as mentors for my own leadership development. I have held many of my own leadership positions in my youth group, my school, and my gymnastics team. My leadership skills would help me contribute to the BU community. I love to be involved and would do so in the many activities BU has to offer. I will offer to take a leadership role in whatever organization I join, helping to make sure that the group reaches its full potential. I realize that leadership cannot fully be developed overnight but is a continually developing skill. I plan to continue to develop my leadership at BU - both for my own growth and as a way to positively impact the BU community.

I have been told I am charismatic. I greatly value the insights and opinions of others; drawing people together is something that I enjoy and that comes easily to me. As an elected leader at both my school and in my youth group, I have been effective in reaching out and engaging a wide variety of kids and teachers in fun activities and positive social action. I would bring this quality to BU as an open-minded person who is excited to meet everybody and eager to use my skills to make things happen.

I am inquisitive and love the academic challenge of school. Just as when I am skiing and I try to find the untouched patches of snow where no one has gone before me, I enjoy delving into new terrain when I am learning. Gaining new knowledge and information stimulates me and motivates me to learn more. I continue discussions started in class once we leave the classroom, either with fellow students or with the teacher. I would bring this thirst for knowledge to the BU classroom, providing new perspectives and deepening the level of learning.

BU presents an exciting new opportunity for me. To best capitalize on this opportunity, I would employ the characteristics of leadership, inquisitiveness, and charisma to create the best possible experience for me and those around me. If we all bring our best to the fore, I know that my class at BU will be cohesive, interesting, and exciting.
emorris 2 / 20  
Dec 28, 2009   #2
You've chosen some really great words, however this essay seems more like a list rather than an essay. I would maybe take a narrative approach to the prompt and show one word leading to the other through specific examples.
OP medelman2010 11 / 31  
Dec 28, 2009   #3
Thanks for your advice...I'm totally in agreement with you- the BU ones that I have liked most so far are the narrative ones

I'm having a college app overload problem where I seem to be out of any creativity (probably why I am wasting time on this web site instead of working on my 6 other apps...but thats another story)

Any ideas about how to make it more narrative? My words dont flow so well into each other so I think it would be hard to take one story and use it throughout

anything is appreciated!

Thanks
emorris 2 / 20  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Maybe you could follow a chronological order. You were born a leader because your parents are leaders and they raised you on those qualities. How at a very young age, you became inquisitive because of your mother being involved in your elementary school. Your charisma developed when you started getting involved in your own activities particularly in high school and how you want to continue that in college as well.
emorris 2 / 20  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
First paragraph: Transition more into your responsibilities by saying that although you love your home, you also love the time you have outside of school because of what you've taken on as responsibilities.

I think you really need to extend upon the "visionary outlook" idea. It'll show you have a lot to contribute to the university.

You need a smoother transition from leader to charismatic, connect the two words to have it flow better.

Same goes for charismatic to inquisitive. Talk about how a lot of your charisma is rooted from your inquisitiveness and your pursuit for knowledge.
OP medelman2010 11 / 31  
Dec 30, 2009   #6
I know everyone is a little crazy with deadlines today and tomorrow, but if anyone gets a chance, I would really appreciate if you could look at my essay and give me edits and feedback!

Thanks
mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #7
This isN ot because I dislike my home, but because I take my responsibilities to my school very seriously.

Frequently I stay at school after nightfalldark , planning, creating, and promoting different student initiatives.

Offering both courses in leadership, and options for practical applications for the skills developed, is the conclusion of my project and something I want to pursue in college.Awkward phrasing, sounds like your goal is to offer those courses.

I was struck by the spirit of the students, they hashave the ability to seamlessly combine their desire for a strong education with a passion for getting involved.

I had never really appreciated history before APUSH ----?

Amazing essay! Just a few little things I put in there, but I know from experience that you are an amazing writer and your own worst critic.

One suggestion would be to tie everything together at the end. Directly answer the prompt.

I will be posting my Boston essay in a couple of minutes. Hope you take a look.

P.S your school sounds like an AMAZING place. just btw.
mle2010 7 / 38  
Dec 30, 2009   #8
The first paragraph looks familiar haha.

Maybe bringing the essay back to your initial concept of staying after school and dedication to the three words in the end. Otherwise, the part about Knesset seems a little disconnected.

Also, elaborate a little more on the charisma paragraph. Bring in how your leadership skills partnered with charisma allows you to lead a group and set a tone. You are a role model because of how you handle yourself as a leader.

I think a good way to build the essay a little more is to mention the other two words in each paragraph. Show cohesive-ness (if that's a word) between your words of choice.

So for instance. The leadership paragraph is perfect, but then as I mentioned above, mention the word leadership in the Charisma paragraph as support. Then in your inquisitive paragraph, maybe sneak in leadership, as in you are willing to lead the pack, try something new first. You're willing to speak up in class, being charismatic and leading your class in a new direction during a discussion.

Hope these tips helped!

BTW calm down. Colleges are lucky that you are applying. Any institution that rejects you will surely be sorry. You are an amazing student and person, any college would be lucky to have you contribute to their community and make it better.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 7, 2010   #9
Hi, I'm sorry I didn't get to look at this before your deadline! Emily is a hero...


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