I know all the neighbourhood firemen. I've been chased by security guards in an Israeli airport. I can sing a stirring rendition of The Farmer in the Dell, I know how to activate the siren from the front seat of an ambulance, and I can sign American Sign Language. I know my way around the Ottawa children's hospital like a pro, and I know every word of just about every Barney movie ever made. These may seem like really random experiences but there is in one common factor in each of them, and his name is Danny.
Danny is my little brother. He was born three years after me, and somehow I still remember being in the hospital waiting to see him for the first time. It wasn't long before we were back at the hospital though, when at 18 months Danny had his first seizure.
Danny was diagnosed with Dravet Syndrome, a very rare form of severe epilepsy which causes developmental delays. My parents didn't understand what it meant, and because of the rarity of the condition, the doctors didn't really know what it meant either. It was something that we were going to have to discover for ourselves and it was only over the years that we learned what it meant. And what it meant was that while Danny could speak he would always have difficulty doing so, while he could walk and run, it wasn't without a cute little waddle in his step, while he would eventually be able to write his name, he wouldn't be able to read. It also meant that Danny would have seizures, and lots of them, each of which would threaten his life. Most importantly though it meant that our lives would always be out of the ordinary, to say the very least.
We call him Danny Shevuvani - in Hebrew it means Danny the terror. Otherwise known as Danny 'el monstruo', but you can probably guess what that one means. It's funny how such a little devil can look like such an angel. And he absolutely looks like an angel, with his curly blond hair, chubby cheeks and big blue eyes; he could be a cherub. But if you look into his eyes you can see the troublemaker - they gleam with energy and mischief. And when he gets that look in his eye, you know something's about to go down. If you're near a public pay phone he's going to dart up and disconnect the call of whoever's talking, and then dart away just as fast, as you throw quarters at the shocked stranger standing at the booth and run away after him, yelling out an apology. If you're in a heavily guarded Israeli airport he is going to slip under the security partition and take off running with a frantic mother and sister following, only to be found taking peoples' luggage off of the luggage carousel. If you leave a library book by the pool (my school's copy of Harry Potter 5), a cell-phone by the bathtub (my dad's Nokia), a car with the keys still in the ignition (my Mom's Toyota)...
There's no question that Danny's quirks have enriched mine and my family's lives. He is the funniest, most audacious, and most affectionate person in my life, and everyone who knows him adores him. That's not to say though that everything with Danny is smooth sailing. The constant care for someone who is developmentally delayed is exhausting and extremely stressful. It takes both of my parents, me and our nanny to keep Danny occupied, healthy and safe, and we all still function under varying states of exhaustion.
It hurts my heart to see Danny have to suffer through the amount of medication he needs to take each day, the hospital visits, the consultations with the behaviour specialist, the constant switching of schools as administrators attempt to quantify his cognitive abilities. It hurt like hell when for a while he couldn't remember my name, or even now when he asks if I'm his friend and I have to explain that no, I'm more than that, I'm his sister, because he doesn't quite understand the distinction between family and friends. There is a moment of about three seconds, every time he has a seizure and his lips start to turn blue, when in a moment of pure terror I think my implorations to "breathe Danny, breathe" won't work and I will lose him. But, inevitably, after a few seconds he takes a rasping breath and my heart starts beating again.
There is no limit to the influence Danny has had on me. I've always been a little more serious than my friends and a lot more independent, a result of spending hours with my nose buried in books while my parents took care of my brother. I care deeply about people, often putting their interests before my own, and am fiercely protective of the people I love. Wanting to give back to the special needs community that has helped Danny so much, I got involved with different organizations that help kids with disabilities, from dance companies, to summer camps, to playing with my friend Gaby for a couple of hours every Sunday. My experiences have encouraged me to branch out into other areas of community service and even earned me a provincial award that I wasn't at all expecting. I decided that I wanted to encourage other teens to volunteer and so joined the Ontario Youth Volunteer Challenge committee in Ottawa. The next year I was asked to be Ottawa's Youth Representative on the provincial board, and am now helping to oversee a province-wide campaign with the government, aimed at helping students to get out and volunteer. I've had so many positive experiences volunteering that I've decided that I would like to engage in some form of social activism as a career, although I'm not yet sure what cause I will devote myself to and how.
When I was younger, there were definitely times when I wished that I was a little less serious, more like a regular kid than a young adult. But now I recognize that the conscientiousness Danny has given me makes me unique - not every teenager watches Gossip Girl and the news, subscribes to Vogue and The New Yorker, or hangs out with friends on Saturday and volunteers on Sunday. So although some angry Israeli security guards, a disgruntled school librarian and more than a few interrupted strangers might not have been thrilled with Danny's quirks, I thank my lucky stars that he's my brother, or rather that I got to be his sister.
Firstly, your essay was very touching and unique.
"I know my way around the Ottawa children's hospital like a pro ," the word is a bit informal, maybe try a different one.
These may seem like really random experiences but there is in one common factor in all of them, and his name is Danny.
"It was something that we were going to have to discover for ourselves and it was only over the years that we learned what it meant. " -Very nice sentence, but change the word meant, because you used it a few times before.
It hurt like hell (too informal) when for a while he couldn't remember my name, or even now when he asks if I'm his friend and I have to explain that no, I'm more than that, I'm his sister, because he doesn't quite understand the distinction between family and friends.
- the sentence is a run on, try to rephrase it or break it up.
"or rather that I am his sister."
The second to last paragraph was good because it talked about you. I think you nee to expand on you a bit more throughout the essay, because I don't get to know how amazing you are until the very end. There are few more structural things that could be changed, but otherwise very nice.
This essay does a great job of displaying your maturity and just how much your experiences with your brother have shaped who you are. Your introduction is very creative and ties into your subject nicely. That being said, I would like to see more about you. The actual description of how you have been affected by your brother does not actually start until the second to last paragraph and the vast majority of the preceding ones describe your brother. If you could creatively elaborate on each of your experiences with your brother (such as those mentioned in the introduction) and how they specifically made you who you are, it would make an enormous difference.
From the way your essay reads, I am sure you are a talented storyteller as it flows the same way a person would speak. This, however, is a blessing and a curse as it makes the paper transition very well but it can allow for some slight tone shifts that do not make sense. The fourth paragraph ("We call him Danny Shevuvani...") does not match the tone of the rest of the essay. While it is full of well-executed descriptive comedy, it does not match its surroundings. I like it's content, but you would need to add similar stuff to the other paragraphs to make it a perfectly cohesive package.
change this
. And what it meant was that while Danny could speak he would always have difficulty doing so, while he could walk and run, it wasn't without a cute little waddle in his step, while he would eventually be able to write his name, he wouldn't be able to read.
to this
What it meant was that while Danny could spea,k he would always have difficulty doing so. While he could walk and run, it was without a cute little waddle in his step> While he would eventually be able to write his name, he wouldn't be able to read.
splitting it up into sentences is a coller tone, more stylre, more effective
vvvvvv
It hurt like hell when for a while he couldn't remember my name, or even now when he asks if I'm his friend and I have to explain that no, I'm more than that, I'm his sister, because he doesn't quite
fab writing!!!!
i like it over all =]
This is REALLY REALLY long for a common app essay. It is very well written, but just remember that admissions officers are reading through hundreds of essays a day. The typical common app essay should be able to fit on one page single spaced.
I think what caboard493 pointed out to be too informal are perfectly fine! Admission officers are people too!
on a side note, I do agree with Jimbort that you should talk about your reactions and experiences dealing with your brother.
but nonetheless, it's a fab essay!
Solid essay that follows what most essays should do. You effectively describe your experience and shot not only your growth but you have sown in your extracurriculars into it as well. As some people have already said, the essay is quite long but I think I know just the parts you can change around.
We call him Danny Shevuvani ...
I think alot of this is superfluous. Though it is written beautifully, you can take alot of this out. It's too many examples. Maybe shorten down your physical description and keep one "act" example and tack those onto the end of the previous paragraph.
There's no question that Danny's quirks have enriched mine and my family's lives. He is the funniest, most audacious, and most affectionate person in my life, and everyone who knows him adores him. That's not to say though that everything with Danny is smooth sailing. The constant care for someone who is developmentally delayed is exhausting and extremely stressful. It takes both of my parents, me and our nanny to keep Danny occupied, healthy and safe, and we all still function under varying states of exhaustion.
You only really need the first two sentences of this section.
And then as other people said, intertwine more of you into the earlier parts. It's devoid of you almost entirely.
I like it! It might be a little long but the layout keeps me interested.
You should probably cut out (my school's copy) (my mom's toyota) and (my dad's nokia). These kinds of details make it hard for the admin officer to keep reading.
Try cutting out extra wording that isn't necessary (The second half especially)
Good Luck!
If you have time my essay could use a good read over. Thanks!
Hi.
I was literally smiling when I was reading this essay. The essay flows really well and the transitions are smooth. I have to say that your brother is really an interesting kid. I am really impressed by your achievements and your motivations.
However, like others, I think you essay is too long because you are giving too much informations about your brother and too little about yourself. For example, I was looking for more of how you have transformed your love for your brother to the motivation for your community work, and I found that only in the second last paragraph. I think you can make the essay more personal by elaborating more on yourself instead of your brother, and that would mean, sorry to say that paragraph two to four need to be cut.
Once again, I can tell that you are a very nice person with impressive attitudes towards life. Good luck with your applications.
