Hi, here is an essay of UC prompt 1. I need help to correct my grammar mistakes, cutting words off and I also need suggestions about my content! Thanks for help!!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I once had a dream: I was left far behind other athletes. In the flying ashes they blew up, I exerted all my efforts trying to catch up. My legs were aching and limp, my body was drenched in sweat. But I still ran and ran...
Since I was six, the circle - my friends, my brothers - around me has never been in shortage of the best athletes. They get highest scores, they organize most significant activities; they are eloquent speakers, they are talented performers...I thought that I didn't have their gifts, so when I faced them, I only could behold them with admiration.
They are most ambitious people, they have the biggest dreams. One of them, Jason, is a pacifist, a young man of determination. When he was eighteen, he went to the Middle East and Western Asia alone, only to feel the cruelty of war in person. Started from the frontier between China and Pakistan, his track spread over Karachi, Kabul, Gaza Strip, Jerusalem... In his journey, he could feel soldiers who held AK47 were everywhere; he could see the eight-meter high concrete walls that represent the border; he could hear the sound of blast two hundred meters away. He said he was scared, especially when he was in the boundary strip. In Pakistan, the high-lighting China national flag was the only protection for him. But he had stayed in those places for a whole month!! When he was narrating his experience, I could tell the dribs of tears in his eyes, but his voice was so resolved.
After reading Jason's diaries and pictures, I was in a melting mood. I started my thinking of our society - though no brutal wars were in my country, but the situations such like extreme disparity between the rich and the poor did make the country unstable. Jason's experience once again wandered in my brain. I wanted to be a person like him - even I was not powerful enough - at least I could do something within my ability. At that summer, I made a research about living conditions of migrant workers in my city. I found they had quite empty lives and they had senses of insecurity in the city. Next summer, I organized free summer classes for children from migrant families. I didn't hope those kids, who had unhappy parents, lived unhappy lives either. We had quite a good time, science fiction movies, handworks, music, zoos, museums... And from the moment when I saw kids' smiling faces, I was determined that one day I would change the bad situations for migrant people. I suddenly found that those pressures and inconfidence brought by surroundings had transferred into the power that pushed me going forward. Unconsciously, I had already become the best athlete with my effort and persistence.
I had another dream. In my dream, I was standing at the top of the world. Opened my eyes, I could see every piece of landscape so brilliant that one could never expect to see.
Here is another way to write this sentence (with a dash):
My legs were aching and limp, and my body was drenched in sweat -- but I still ran and ran...
At That summer, I made a researched about living conditions of migrant workers in my city. I found they had quite empty lives and...
:-) This essay is very poetic and inspirational!
I have a suggestion:
I had also have another dream. In my dream, I was am standing at the top of the world. Opened Opening my eyes, I could can see every piece of the landscape, more brilliant than anything one could never expect to see. ( I feel like adding one more sentence to explain the significance might be a good idea, but I'm not sure.)
Thank you so much! :)Oh, there is one thing, do you think that my experience is related to my friend's experience? One of my teacher has once doubted the relationship of them,so...
