Please, feel free to rip it apart and I do accept friendly criticisms.
I do have a lot of grammar errors because English is my secondary language and I have yet to "perfect" it. I would appreciate it if you guys can fix the errors Don't bash on me because grammar is terrible! I'm easily hurt T.T
Thanks in advance!
Topic is "most influencial person".
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"Promise me one thing, Hae Jun." My grandfather demanded as he slapped the Shogi, or Chinese Chess, board with his red king to avoid the check. I scanned the board and put on my devilish smile. I put my blue rook into position, threw up my arms, and yelled, "Checkmate!" After hundreds of matches, I had finally beaten him. Half of his face smiled while the other half frowned - a lingering effect of the stroke. When I finally settled down, he pointed to his king and said, "Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes," I held out my pinky, and I said "Pinky promise."
In the summer of year 2007, I finally met my grandfather whom I haven't seen in ten years. Old age and two cases of stroke had crushed my image of the healthy grandfather I had in my childhood memories. He was in a wheelchair, with his back hunched forward, his face was pale like a ghost, and his eyes seemed lifeless, focusing on nothing. It was hard for me to even talk to him, let alone look at him. I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.
My initial feelings quickly subsided, however, when he introduced me to the game of Shogi. Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly. Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to be mature as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.
Only a few days after I had finally beaten him in Shogi, he made a devastating announcement that broke my heart. He told me and my family that he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea. On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him. He firmly locked his pinky onto mine. This promise was broken, however, when he passed away the following winter. A week after his death, I received a short letter that he had sent me. Inside the envelope was the blue Shogi king piece. He attached a note: "My dearest grandson, I would not have made you promise to take on the world and conquer it if I did not believe that you could do it. You will face many challenges and obstacles and I can't tell you that it will be easy, but I know you will come through. More importantly, you pinky promised me, remember? So here's my last challenge that I bestow upon you: Checkmate the world."
The blue king now hangs above the mirror in my room. Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather. This king is my motivation and my source of energy. I know my grandfather will be smiling brightly from up above when I am finally able to say "Checkmate, world!"
"Promise me one thing, Hae Jun." My grandfather demanded as he slapped the Shogi, or Chinese Chess, board with his red king to avoid the check. I scanned the board and put on my devilish smile. I put my blue rook into position, threw up my arms, and yelled, "Checkmate!" After hundreds of matches, I had finally beaten him. Half of his face smiled while the other half frowned - a lingering effect of the stroke. When I finally settled down, he pointed to his king and said, "Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes," I held out my pinky, and I said, "Pinky promise."
In the summer of year 2007, I finally met my grandfather whom I haven'thave not*avoid contractions* seen in ten years. Old age and two cases of stroke had crushed my image of the healthy grandfather I had in my childhood memories. He was in a wheelchair, with his back hunched forward, his face was pale like a ghost, and his eyes seemed lifeless, focused on nothing. It was hard for me to even talk to him, let alone look at him. I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.
My initial feelings quickly subsided, however, when he introduced me to the game of Shogi. Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly. Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I also matured as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.
Only a few days after I had finally beaten him in Shogi, he made a devastating announcement that broke my heart. He told me and my family that he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea. On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him. He firmly locked his pinky onto mine. This promise was broken, however, when he passed away the following winter. A week after his death, I received a short letter that he had sent me. Inside the envelope was the blue Shogi king piece. He attached a note: "My dearest grandson, I would not have made you promise to take on the world and conquer it if I did not believe that you could do it. You will face many challenges and obstacles and I can't tell you that it will be easy, but I know you will come through. More importantly, you pinky promised me, remember? So here's my last challenge that I bestow upon you: Checkmate the world."
The blue king now hangs above the mirror in my room. Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather. This king is my motivation and my source of energy. I know my grandfather will be smiling brightly from up above when I am finally able to say "Checkmate, world!"
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Very touching story. I throughly enjoyed reading it. Hope the corrections helped.
Thanks for leaving comments for mine, so i'm returning the favour.
Your english is really not bad for someone whose english is their second language. I changed only parts that i thought sounded awkward or just some words which i thought other words would be more apt. Its just my opinion so yeah.
* his red king to avoid the check.
** his red king to avoid the checkmate
*put on my devilish smile
Put on sounds a bit awkward, maybe "let out a devilish smile" would be better instead
*a lingering effect of the stroke
** a lingering effect from the stroke
*Promise me you will conquer the world like this king, no matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes,"
** No matter how difficult it seems and how many tries it takes, promise me that you will conquer the world like this king.
* face was pale like a ghost
** as pale as a ghost
* It was hard for me
** It was difficult for me
*I dreaded the fact that he would be staying at my house.
** I dreaded the fact that he would even be staying at my house.
* Through a common hobby, we were able to establish a special relationship very quickly
** Through a common hobby, we were able to quickly establish a special relationship
*Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to be mature as I played more games with him. I learned to be patient; I had to grow accustomed to sitting in front of the game board, thinking of my next move while I waited for my grandfather to make his move. I also had to get used to accepting losses which was a hard for me because I was so hot-headed and stubborn.
** Not only was I able to bond with my grandfather in a short amount of time, but I was also able to become more mature as I played more games with him.
I don't have time to change this part for you but it doesn't really flow??
*he felt homesick and wanted to go back to Korea.
**he felt homesick and wanted to return to Korea.
.*On the day he left, we both made another promise that we would both stay healthy until I visited him.
** On the day of his departure, we promised each other that we would both stay healthy until I had the opportunity to pay him a visit
.
*Every morning, I open my closet and I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather.
**Every morning when I open my closet, I am instantly reminded of the promise I had made with my grandfather.
*This king is my motivation and my source of energy.
**This king is my motivation and source of energy.
Ah, thank you! And thanks for returning the favor, ethelion.
It might not seem bad because it went through hundreds of revisions, by me or my teachers.
I tried to put an emphasize on "me" and I guess when I crammed it in there, it didn't flow as well.
Thanks for all your help though, I really appreciate it. :)
