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I was in a cheering sea of red - my first football game - essay about challenging situation


briannaasalways 3 / 6 2  
Jan 11, 2015   #1
Please provide feedback on any grammar issues you might spot. I'm pretty confident about what I have written, (after perfecting it for like five months and having NUMEROUS people read over it) but I just want to have at least one more person read over these for grammar issues, but any other constructive criticism is welcomed as well!

Word limit on both is 250 max.

1st prompt:
(Describe a challenging situation you've faced. Briefly state the situation, how you responded and why, would you have done anything differently, has it affected or shaped who you are today?)


I was in a cheering sea of red. The laughter of my schoolmates in the stadium echoed for miles. I wasn't as excited as my peers as I experienced my first football game. Anxiety was the only thing I could feel. I was not used to loud crowds and people screaming in your ear. I tried to tell myself it was part of the experience but I was at the game for less than an hour before I left.My social anxiety has been an uphill battle since I was 10. My social skills have strengthened over the years because I put myself in situations that required me to interact with others. From joining multiple clubs, to competing in competitions, to helping out my community, I've taken baby steps to increase my social awareness. When a baby first starts walking, it usually falls a lot and gets frustrated. Just like a baby, that's what happened to me. I would fail at being social and it would frustrate me. Nevertheless, babies get back up when they fall and that's what I did. I would get back up and try again. Social anxiety is a never-ending ride of mistakes but I've learned from them.My first football game told me two things. 1. I really don't like football. 2. Every experience, may it be bad or good, shapes who I am today for the better because I learn and grow from it.

MOD comment:One essay at one time is allowed, sorry

stretchthelimit 5 / 9 2  
Jan 12, 2015   #2
Hi! Nice essay. I like the way you ended it off.

Some thoughts:

Anxiety was the only thing I could feel. -> awkward expression. Maybe you could say it tersely: "I was claustrophobic." -> I believe this is a more appropriate term?

I was not used to loud crowds and people screaming in your ear. I was not used to loud crowds and people screaming into my ear.

My social skills have strengthened over the years because I put myself in situations that required me to interact with others. -> The transition between the sentence prior to this, and this sentence itself, isn't smooth. Rephrase: However, over the past few years, I challenged myself by putting myself in situations that forced me to interact with others.

I love the 'baby' analogy, by the way.

Good luck! :)
OP briannaasalways 3 / 6 2  
Jan 12, 2015   #3
Thanks for the feedback! I will try to get around looking at your own essay :)


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