Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 21

"Cheerleading has helped me" - Notre Dame Supplement


brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
4. Tell us about a time when you have surprised others or yourself by doing something unexpected.

As I entered a new school my junior year, my shy nature prevented me from quickly making friends. I formed a friendship with a girl on the cheerleading squad, who encouraged me to try out, but, never having cheered before, I was hesitant. Yelling loudly, dancing in front of large crowds, and doing stunts in the air did not seem like me at all. I persuaded myself to try out, and surprisingly found that I loved every part of it. ability to follow rhythms allowed me to excel at the dance routines, and flying through the air in stunts was actually really exhilarating. Knowing my reserved nature, my friends were so surprised that I had become a peppy cheerleader. And I was astounded myself! I am so grateful that I convinced myself to do something so against my personality. Cheerleading has helped me come out of my shell and become more involved at my new school. Looking back on this experience, I realize that while stepping out of my comfort zone can be terrifying, I learned a valuable life lesson in the process.

issallme5 2 / 35  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
First of all, Notre Dame says approximately 150 words, so i think it's okay to be a little over. (Mine is a bit over) and your prompt answers the question well. You say "actually" two times. It stands out to me, maybe cuz the sentences are right next to each other, but you should take one out. And the part where you say, you force yourself to try out...i think it could be worded better to shed a positive light on your personality, like showing your bravery. forcing has a negative connotation. But other than that, it's excellent ! Really!

I don't think it needs major fixing at all!
And if you're still worried about the word limit...you could take couple of phrases out that. But I don't think 23 words over is a big problem at all.

PLEASE HELP WITH MY COMMON APP ESSAY!! deadline is tmrw :(
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
As I entered a new school my junior year, my shy nature prevented me from quickly making friends. I formed a friendship with a girl on the cheerleading squad, who encouraged me to try out. - either add a transition at the beginning of the second sentence or combine the sentences to make it flow.

in stunts was suprisingly exhilarating

Vary your sentence structure because as of right now it sounds a bit choppy with so many simple sentences.

you begin two sentences with I and you also begin two sentences with my

you just need to work on the flow of the essay but you have the content down.

Please read my Notre Dame essays.
Davina22 1 / 5  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
Your example is perfect in answering the question.
You were surprised at yourself cuz you weren't that shy after all and you found the other side of yourself.
And don't worry about the word limits. It says around 150 words.
It is ok to be plus/minus 20~30 words.
IF you want to delete some sentences though, how about the last sentence?
you explained everything in the essay, and I feel no need to put the summary sentence at the end.
Just a suggestion!!
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Ok thanks! I changed the last sentence to: Looking back on this experience, I realize that while stepping outside of my comfort zone can be terrifying, it can lead to incredible rewards. Any comments?
prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
divide up the sentence..because your mentioning two different things.. and maybe add in another sentence w/ a specific example related to the flying thing
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
My ability to follow rhythms allowed me to excel at the dance routines, and flying through the air in stunts was actually really exhilarating. I changed this sent to:

I excelled at the dance routines, thanks to my ability to follow rhythms, and I was actually exhilarated by flying through the air in stunts.

or.. following the rhymths of the dance routines was easy for me, and flying through the air in stunts was actually really exhilarating.

please help :)
prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
following the rhymths of the dance routines was easy for me, and flying through the air in stunts was actually really exhilarating.

thats better than the first one... but i dont know its still not flowing very well
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
yeah I like that one better but I still dont love it..does it hurt that the next sentence kind of starts the same way with an -ing verb?

Following the rhymths of the dance routines was easy for me, and flying through the air in stunts was actually really exhilarating. Knowing my reserved nature, my friends were so surprised that I had become a peppy cheerleader; and I was astounded myself!
closethefridge 1 / 6  
Dec 31, 2010   #11
Yelling, dancing, and doing aerial stunts in front of large crowds did not seem like me at all . Nonetheless, I persuaded myself to try out, and was amazed to discover that I loved every part of it.

... and flying through the air in stunts was surprisingly exhilarating.
... and become more involved at a new school.In retrospect , I have realized that while stepping outside ...

hollaaa
i think its a great example, and a strong essay, so these are just some suggestions i think might make the wording a little stronger, good luck!

i know you already looked at one of mine but i have a common app essay thats dying to be read :3
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 31, 2010   #12
You're comments are really helpful, thanks! I think my essay is done, but the only things bothering me are these two sentences:

My ability to follow rhythms allowed me to excel at the dance routines, and flying through the air in stunts was surprisingly exhilarating.

In retrospect, I have realized that while stepping outside of my comfort zone can be terrifying, it can lead to incredible rewards.

it was pointed out that the first isn't parallel, and the second has a comma splice..please help :)
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 31, 2010   #13
In retrospect I realize that, while stepping outside of my comfort zone can be terrifying, it can lead to incredible rewards.

For the first sentence I would break it into two separate sentences because they don't really have anything to do with each other and that solves the parallelism problem.

Say: I went from being afraid to preform stunts, to enjoying the exhilarating feeling flying through the air creates.

Additionally, my ability to follow rythems has facilitated my advancement in cheerleading.

Please take a look at my Notre Dame essays.
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 31, 2010   #14
Ok I really like those! how's:

I went from being afraid to perform stunts, to actually enjoying the exhilarating feeling flying through the air creates. Additionally, my ability to follow rhythms allowed me to excel at the dance routines, facilitating my advancement in cheerleading. Knowing my reserved nature...
alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 31, 2010   #15
I went from being afraid to perform stunts, to actually enjoying the exhilarating feeling flying through the air creates. Additionally, my ability to follow rhythms allowed me to excel at the dance routines, facilitating my advancement in cheerleading.

I went from a fear of performing stunts to enjoying the exhilarating feeling of flying through the air.

My advancement in cheerleading was caused by my ability to follow rhythms.
thkern 4 / 16  
Dec 31, 2010   #16
I really really like your essay! Very strong! I can't find any errors.

187 words should be fine.

do you mind taking a look at my other essay? ("learned many things from participating in varsity table tennis" - common app)
abatado /  
Dec 31, 2010   #17
Nonetheless, I persuaded myself to try out, and was amazed to discover that I loved every part of it I went from a fear of performing stunts to enjoying the exhilarating feeling of flying through the air. My ability to follow rhythms helped me excel at the dance routines, facilitating my advancement in cheerleading. Knowing my reserved nature, my friends were so surprised that I had become a peppy cheerleader; and I was astounded myself! I am so grateful that ...

Like what thkern said, it wouldn't really be a problem if you went a little over. But just to be safe, I would take out the sentences in red.

Also, I put up the prompts for my supplements. If you could help me out further, I would appreciate it greatly!!! XD
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 31, 2010   #18
To be honest, your essay is just fine. If you're comfortable submitting it at that word length, I think you will be okay as I doubt the adcoms sit and count every word. If you aren't, you could take abatado's advice and try cutting the red sentences, or if worse comes to worse, just try deleting some adjectives that you deem unnecessary. The essay flows much better than your original and puts you in a good light. Good luck to you!

But by the way, I still have another essay that could use some critique as well, if you have some more time...
OP brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 31, 2010   #19
ok thanks for the advice! i'm almost done i think but i want to cut out one of these sentences:

I went from a fear of performing stunts to enjoying the exhilarating feeling of flying through the air. My ability to follow rhythms helped me excel at the dance routines, facilitating my advancement in cheerleading.

which one?
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 31, 2010   #20
The first one. It doesn't really reveal anything about you, or show that you really tried something different, like the second one does.
peachyreese 2 / 9  
Dec 31, 2010   #21
It has a nice flow. If you're desperate you could cut out this phrase: facilitating my advancement in cheerleading. Goodluck with your final result!


Home / Undergraduate / "Cheerleading has helped me" - Notre Dame Supplement