Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish..

It's my first draft and it may a little childish. I don't know if my essay really fits for its requirements or not. I hope that I can receive suggestions or grammar corrections on my essay! Thank you so much!

(I am a student from china so my english is not that good.I hope if anyone can help me with the essay)

PROMPT:
Essay Option 2. The late-eighteenth-century popular philosopher and cultural critic George Lichtenberg wrote, "Just as we outgrow a pair of trousers, we outgrow acquaintances, libraries, principles, etc. . . . at times before they're worn out and at times - and this is worst of all - before we have new ones." Write an essay about something you have outgrown, perhaps before you had a replacement - a friend, a political philosophy, a favorite author, or anything that has had an influence on you. What, if anything, has taken its place?

My eassy:

Shi Ku Men

I can still vividly remember, near my old house, the spring flowers burgeoning in the corner of red tiles, the grass seeds germinating in the chink of cyan bricks, and the white pigeons hovering around the mottled wall. The old "Shi Ku Men" is where I come from, is how I initiate to recognize this world, and is what lies embedded in my memory.

Shi Ku Men --- is a unique word belongs to shanghai. Literally it means "the stone gate". It is a type of architecture emerged in 1860s in shanghai, which blended the features of both east and west, originally to meet the needs of refugees abroad. As time goes by, Shi Ku Men had gradually become a local private residence with about ten families living in the same building.

I had been staying in the old Shi Ku Men since I was born, although I got along well with every neighbors, I still looked forward to moving into those kempt, capacious and modern apartments. The residents there don't have to fight for the public rest room during the rush morning time, don't have to stepped cautiously on the timeworn cracking staircase, and don't have to worry about bothering others when their children played the piano in the late night.

Seven years later, due to the governmental moving, batched of old Shi Ku men were torn down on a large scale whereas new modern buildings were set up at an internet speed. I fulfilled my wishes to moving into the new apartment with independent wash room, efficient elevator and sound-proof room.

I started to love new and fancy things like new apartment, exotic food and modern costume. Every time I saw new things, the sense of superiority naturally aroused up in my adrenalin. At that time, I firmly believed everything new thing stands for faster, efficient and a better life. Questing for "new" turned to be my principal of life. I felt proud of my city turning into a modern one similar to New York and Paris.

The other day, however, when I looked up, what came into my view were the duplicate, matchbox-liked modern apartments. I found myself was placed in the midst of steel and concrete with the sense of heaviness and oppression invading my whole body. The city is developing at a high speed while the people are becoming apathetic towards each other. I am eager to talking to my new neighbors but I don't even know their names. I know something has been lost.

I started to miss the old days I spent in the Shi Ku Men. Not only the architecture but also the sense of sharing in the old cramped house is what I value most. The smell of bean curd pervaded the whole alley in front of Shi Ku Men at dusk, the chatter among the neighbors in bamboo chairs during the night of old summer days, and the game like "eagle catches chicks" and hopscotch with kids in the neighborhood after school occupied my memory of past.

I didn't realize the uniqueness of shanghai culture turns out to be not the modern skyscrapers, is not the interlaced network of city transportation, but is the forgotten "Shi Ku Men", until I saw the old mottled wall marked with the ruthless white painted words "knocking down". The "Shi Ku Men" is rooted in our city culture. It is like an old man who witnesses the vicissitudes of our city, who accompanies the development of this town, who tells the story of past to one generation and another. I understand I should not blindly pursue "new".

Fortunately, Shanghai seems to have the same "contrition" as I did that it slows down its speed of "modernization" as well as rescuing, renovating and revamping those survived Shi Ku Men. My city comes to realize that not everything new is suitable for itself, not everything of past should be spurned. For instance, part of the old "Tian Zi Fang" has been turned into the creative settlement for new artists while retaining part of it to be private residence. The revamped "Xin Tian Di" which gathered international gallery, boutique and café bar has become the most popular site for tourists home and abroad. The old Shi Ku Men is dazzled with new energy.

There is an old Chinese saying "discard the dross and select the essence". "New", doesn't mean the thorough rupture with the past. Our memory is precious because of "old" and our city culture is profound because of "old." Shanghai can be developed as modern as others, but the city culture is rooted in its atmosphere and can never be copied from others. Sometimes, it is necessary for us to look back those old stories and life. I really appreciate the fragrant memories of Shi Ku Men, the sense of sincere sharing with neighbors, and the harmonic relationship with nature.

Time makes me understand "new" is a good thing but "suitable" is more important. Nowadays as I live in the new apartment, when I cherish the memory of pigeons hovering above the mottled wall, I also enjoy the gleaming glow of sunset reflecting on the windows of opposite apartment. Trying hard to reestablish the intimate relationship among neighbors, I hope the old traditions in Shi Ku Men can be continued in the new apartments.

This is a lovely essay in form and content. Your writing is quite strong, and very lyrical, with only minor errors detracting from its power.

Before I move onto grammar, let me tell you that the content is not "childish" at all. Indeed, within composition studies, there is an increasing emphasis on the ways that places shape people and people carry places with them. Your meditation on change and the old Shi Ku Men grapples with questions that very advanced scholars are thinking about, and does so in a way that engages the reader.

So, let's clean up the grammar, perhaps tighten up some of the sentences, and you will have a stand-out admission essay.

It is a type of architecture that emerged in 1860s in S hanghai, which blending the features of both E ast and W est originally to meet the needs of refugees abroad .

I had been staying in the old Shi Ku Men since I was born.A lthough I got along well with every neighbor , I still looked forward to moving into those kempt, capacious and modern apartments.

"New" [omit comma] doesn't need to mean the thorough rupture with the past.

By the way, this essay reminds me a bit of the novel Fistful of Colours, which is set in Singapore rather than Shanghai but covers urban renewal with the same sort of feeling.

This is a very thoughtful essay, and certainly not childish. You have in fact employed a thesis, antithesis, synthesis structure of the sort Simone and I were recently discussing on another thread, and you have employed it very well. Some minor fixes and suggestions for you:

"I am eager to talking to my new neighbors"

"Shanghai can be developed to make it as modern as other cities ,"


"Why" are "you" putting random "words" in quotations?

I can see "modernization," if this is the term that is euphemistically used for a process one sees more complexly, but I agree that, in general, you should sharply limit your use of quotation marks.

And, in the U.S. at least, double-quotes -- "..." -- should be used for actual quotations while single quotes -- '...' -- should be used when quoting nobody in particular, i.e., to demarcate a commonly used phrase as I think you were trying to do here with 'modernization.'

SEAN&SIMONE:

thank you so much for your suggestions!
Actually you give me confidence to continue writing! ^_^
I've corrected those mistakes in my eassy.
But I have some other questions:
1.what about some particular chinese names of tourist attractions, do I need to use ''? and what about some pariticular concept I want to emphasize?like new and old?

2.Does this passage still sound chin-english? How can I pay attention to this question in my follwing eassys?
3. I am wondering if the AO have any concept of Shi Ku Men or not, so I took some pictures of Shi Ku Men. Do you know if it is allowed or not that I send my eassy along with my pictures?

Thank you so much for your help!

Unless there's something in your application instructions that forbids you from including other than the materials requested, you should feel free to send a few -- not too many! -- pictures along with your essay.

I don't think you need to add the names of tourist attractions.


What passage?

TO SIMONE:
Thank you for your suggestions~~~ ^_^
I mean if the above eassy sound a little chin-english or not?

Not to me. Your prose is more fluid and complex than that of many native English speakers. You make punctuation errors here and there -- primarily using more commas than you need -- but every undergraduate does that. Your errors are not obviously those of someone whose first language was Chinese.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!^_^
sorry，I have another question to ask about the length of my eassy.
I don't know what is the usual length of long eassy for every school?
Does 900 words sound too much or not? will the AO be bothered if I write too much?

If they don't specify a length, then all you have to worry about is keeping the AO's interest. Your essay is strong, with vivid images and interesting ideas, so you should be fine.

I was just browsing the site, and I came upon your essay. It's beautifully written! I'm amazed that you were able to master the English language as your second. I agree with Sean and Simone. There are only minor grammatical errors; but when you polish them up, it'll be an amazing essay! =D

This is a unique essay; a fit for UChicago's idiosyncratic stress on application essays. Good work.

Shi Ku Men --- is a unique word [that] belongs to shanghai [capitalize Shanghai] . Literally it means "the stone gate". It is a type of architecture [that] emerged in [the] 1860s in shanghai, which blended the features of both east and west, originally to meet the needs of refugees abroad. As time goes by, Shi Ku Men had gradually become a local private residence with about ten families living in the same building.

To zam614
Thank you for your encouragment ^_^ I will try to polish up those grammar mistakes :

To surfsandiego
U-CHICAGO always has the most challenging and unique eassy prompt. I am honored to hear you say that it is a good work!

You seem very worried about your general style and grammar use, but you don't need to be -- the essay is extremely well-written. I'm guessing you probably read a lot, yes?

HAHA~it's my first time to write college application eassy, so I am nervous and worried~haha,plus I am worrying about the cultural difference between china and US. I am wondering if AO will like the writing style of chinese students or not. So, I am asking a lot...haha~sorry for bothering you ：）

I like reading,but most of the time I am reading newspaper. ^^
As I am having summer vacation, I hope I can spend a lot of time reading,but in china, students have tons of homework during their vacation. It's a pity that I dont have time to read a lot.

Thank you so much

Personally, I've noticed that many Chinese students' writings are very poetic. They seem inherently rhythmic and flow very well. Maybe it's the variety in syntax, but whatever it is, it seems to work =D. Where else are you applying (in the USA)?

I find that most people who are good at writing read a lot too, so I thought you were probably an avid reader. In any event, you certainly can be proud of your work, which doesn't evidence any indication of being written by someone who isn't fully fluent in English.

TO zam:
haha~perhaps it is because the profound chinese poetic culture~I am just kidding...
I am thinking about applying to Cornell, GTOWN, MIDDLEBURY or else~I am not sure~
haha, actually I am not quite confident about applying to US universities. I know it is quite challenging for me to compete with local students and thousands of outstanding international student.

Haha, any suggestion on my choice of schools?

TO SEAN:
I know I should read more books, particular in English. actually I got only 10 on my SAT writing. haha ~I will try hard to improve my Enligsh! thank you for your help!

oh...I clicked wrong thing... ignore me...sorry for that

SEAN AND SIMONE:
I AM GOING TO CRY...
After two of my friends who got enrolled in Princeton told me the main idea of my eassy is too vague. They suggested me to talking about my main idea at first paragraph instead of the description of shikumen. They told me AO only spend 2-3 minutes to read about PS. so they won't spend too much time getting your main idea. so it's really important for you to let them know what you are talking about at first. is it true?

one of my friends was native speaker, and she said she only got half the meaning after she first read.
I wanna convey the meaning: questing for new is not always the best. Is this hard to get from my eassy?
Do I need to highlight my main idea at the beginning part of my eassy?
I hope if you can give me any suggestion. I feel a little lost...

Unless your friends have taught composition or have served on admissions committees (both of which I have done), do not take their advice too seriously.

Your essay is a particularly original powerful piece of writing that would stand out in any admissions officer's mind. Don't let your friends talk you into dumbing it down into the kind of thing that most students write.

If you worry that you've not gotten to your thesis soon enough, you could always add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, saying something to the effect that the changes to Shi Ku Men have taught you that new does not always mean better.

Indeed, you can add an explicit thesis statement to the end of your introduction if you are worried about not being clear enough, but really, your point already comes across perfectly fine.

I agree. Your point comes across well. Don't dumb it down, like Simone said. Just a suggestion, see if you can revise it by cutting some parts out because many colleges have word limits.

SIMONE,SEAN AND ZAM:
I see your points. I will try to add some direct hints of my main idea of the passage at the end of the first paragraph.

Thank you so much for your help!
It's my pleasure to know you here!

Don't second-guess yourself. This essay is amazing because you are being sincere. People read it and like it because they can feel your sincerity in your writing. You've done an amazing job for someone whose first language is not English, and after polishing up the grammar/spelling which the moderators and others have helped you with, it will really be an outstanding piece.

Good luck!

Some parts of the essay were good, however I felt that other parts of the essay need some grammar revision. The verb tenses and/or punctuation brought down the quality, and thus the effectiveness, of some sentences.

Also, if there is an opportunity to reduce sentence length, go for it ;)

If I may, I think you should elaborate on the 'influence' part of the essay. You can perhaps develop on the lesson you have learnt from all of this, and perhaps how this lesson has shaped your views on change...

I tried UChicago last year lol. Did not get in.
I suggest you have a strong academic record as well!

I'd like to say you really did a good job...I am an international student(Also Chinese~haha). But I still can not write about any one of the 5 options.

UChicago is great and I hope you will apply for it! I like UChicago better than Ivy because UChicago is a little bit nerdy, and I am a bit nerdy too:)

BTW, do you mind communicating with me? I am trying to find some Chinese students who will apply for UChicago so that we can share ideas.

My email is: kangnahua@gmail.com Looking forward to communicate with you!

^Genuine UChicago applicant. You should find a sophisticated way of saying this, minus the reference to the Ivy Leagues, in your UChicago essay.

dont worry about length so much.
on another forum i read that university of chicago, doesnt care! one person even wrote me back and said there essay was 5-6 pages long adn that was what the university of chi... likes.

but what i heard the most is that one should aim for about 2 pages.

i like ur essay btw. it was VERY good. almost scary b.c. it was so good. stuff ive read in my 50 essays book by published authors lol.

HAHA thank you for your comment
Actaully I've made a lot of revision of the original one now. And there are a lot of different versions of this passage in my computer, I even don't know which to submit to U-chicago...it's my first essay, so I value it quite much.^^You are also applying to U-chicago? Good luck to you.

You are right! Thank you very much!
Right now I am considering of using the idea of "Are we alone?" from Tufts to write the option5 essay. And I will also try my best to get there...:)