Any and all criticism is helpful! Thanks in advance. Word Count: about 500
The prompt is to describe the world you come from and how it shaped your dreams.
On November 20, 1992, I was born in Mumbai, India and blessed with a mother and father at my side. But I was scared and didn't know what to expect of this new world. Little did I know that this is the way I would feel throughout my childhood.
As an only child, or a "lonely" child as I like to call it, I was left to fend for myself. I did not have anybody to look up to or guide me except for my busy parents. Both my parents have been working full time and I have often been left alone I needed to devise solutions on my own as my family immigrated to the United States at age eight. Not only did I have to adapt to the new culture, but I had to face the several adolescent issues unescorted.
However, facing these fears alone culminated in a very beneficial outcome. I gradually learned to make decisions independently. I was a living example of Darwin's "survival of the fittest," as I struggled in unfriendly circumstances but came through successfully. These struggles slowly shaped me into an introspective and an intuitive man. I have slowly learned to develop a sixth sense of thought as I got into the habit of thinking through the situation before making any decisions.
My parents, though they guide me in making wise choices, allow me plenty of freedom. They will support me in whatever career choice I choose to pursue. This sense of liberty forces me to be responsible for my actions. Though both my parents have studied finance, numbers are too dry for my taste. I require more flavor. I have always been an emotional person and want my career to reflect my personality. I want to touch and feel life. Being the first generation in my family to attend college in the United States, I have chosen to pursue a career as a doctor.
Reflecting back on my past, as an only child, I have had to work and make most decisions independently. I know what it is like to be alone and aidless. This is why I want to reach out to people in pain and anguish. I want to put a smile on lone faces, to put the old and ailing out of physical misery, to give hope to terminally ill children, and to touch mankind with the best of my ability.
its not a bad essay, but not a great one, you do what you have to, but there is nothing lasting about this, alot of these are just generalizations that could be implied for alot of different essays. Also, while I like the idea of trying to incoroprate another term/phrase in your essay, I don't think "surival of the fittest" really works, sounds artificial and doesn't really enhnace the essay the way you would like. Nothing really jumps out, not the story or what you try to convey to the reader with this essay, this is the type of essay that could use a stronger intro and I think your analysis in the last two paragraphs is also to general. Don't talk about so much as what you want in the future, focus more on you now and how the experiences in the past have shaped you. Finally, be a little more creative in describing your dreams. Don't mean to go on and on tearing this essay apart, as I said its not bad, but you want something more lasting.
Use dashes:
As an only child -- or a "lonely" child, as I like to call it -- I was left to fend for myself.
I think that should be the sentence you use to start the essay! Get rid of the stuff that comes before it. :)
Don't say you were a living example of Darwin's "survival of the fittest," because that sort of seems like you misunderstand the way natural selection works.
With this kind of essay, it is easy to fall into the trap of ACTUALLY telling all about your life. You need to give it a theme, and narrow the focus. You should begin by talking about being a physician, make connections to medicine in every paragraph, and conclude by answering their question again -- how have this setting and these circumstances influenced your ideas about medicine?
OH my gosh, this is totally irrelevant but my birthday is also November 20th! Happy early birthday! =]
Ok about the essay though my biggest issue would be that it sounds very impersonal. The first paragraph sounds like you're complaining but the purpose of the essay is to show how you made the experience into a positive. Also I suggest you incorporate an anecdote of some sort that would make the story feel more like your own.
The best part of the essay I think was when you actually talked about yourself saying "Though both my parents have studied finance, numbers are too dry for my taste. I require more flavor. I have always been an emotional person and want my career to reflect my personality. I want to touch and feel life."
Your essay feels mostly like a resume of your life and not enough about your experiences, this topic has so much potential but you have to exploit it. And like the person above me said, less about what actually happened more about your feelings unless using an anecdote. Your thoughts seem jumbled and the organization doesn't flow. Also this essay is generic put more of yourself into it. Describe your feelings, your thoughts and dreams, that's what they wanna hear. What's the world YOU live in? Be sincere and good luck on your application.
