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Child Abuse and what it did to me; Event that changed my life (Common App)

Kobesso 1 / 3  
Aug 21, 2013   #1
Hey guys!!! So I'm new to this website and I don't really know how this works, but I have a college essay that I need looked at. I have to write an essay about an event that changed my life/ changed the way I looked at the world

And my future.
My life is a boxing match. My opponents are my worst enemies. They represent my pains and struggles. In the beginning, they were easy to beat. The battle was quick, easy. I knew their weaknesses and as such, was able to defeat them with little effort. But like any boxing match, not all opponents are easy to beat. I learned that shortly after my 11th birthday. My key opponent, my father.

I entered the arena feeling confident. Boxers, sickness and death were easy to pound. Few punches and they were down. I had no reason to think this match would be any different, but I was wrong. I entered the boxing range and put my gloves on. My father put his on and then slipped on his mouthguard. The referee entered and brought us together. He raised his hand and the battle began. Boom! The first punch was thrown. I stumbled backwards, a little disoriented by the hard blow. Maybe this battle wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. I repositioned my body, aimed, and fired. Nothing happened. His body didn't even flinch. Pound! I was down within seconds. I struggled to regain consciousness as the referee called the countdown. "5...4...3...2...1...KO!" My first battle ever was lost to the one man I hated most.

My couch quickly picked me up and brought me to the corner of the arena. "Come on, Koryna! Don't let him win!" He wiped my face clean and I returned to the center, ready to start round 2. The first punch was thrown and the battle continued. Down, I fell. "You worthless pig!" He yelled. "You disgust me!" He spat. I grew weaker by each round. By round 5, I stopped fighting. I took each blow and watched as the pleasure ran through his eyes. My body ached, yet I continued to get back up.

Round 6 was about to begin. I looked at my gloves, feeling hopeless. "He's going to win. Just let him win," I thought. Pow! Crunch! My left rib was broken as I fell to the ground, blood running down my face. I opened my eyes and for the first time in years, I listened. I had never listened before, feeling too arrogant to ever need to. I looked around the arena. I could see signs all around me. I could hear the audience as they screamed my name. "Come on, Koryna!" "Get up and finish him off!" "Don't let him win!" For the first time, I let myself feel the love, support, and admiration my fans offered.

Those cheers changed my life. They gave me strength to get back up and fight back. With each punch, I felt stronger and more alive. Be became weaker and weaker with each pound. Round 7...round 8...round 9. I began to feel invincible. One more round and everything would be over. I walked to the center ready for our last match. "Start!" Punch after punch was thrown until finally he fell. I waited counting down in my head. 10...9...8...7...6...5. The crowds yells grew louder. 4...3...2...1! The referee raised my hand in victory. I had won. My biggest struggle had been defeated.

I walked out of the arena with a feeling of invincibility in me. From that day on, I never lost a fight. With my audiences support, I crushed every battle. Strength and determination ran through my veins, nourishing my body with the necessary fuel needed to win. No matter who my competitor was, I entered the range with a smile on my face. No one, not even the strongest man in the world could beat me, because I had something that few others have, the ability to persevere. Round 1.

jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Aug 21, 2013   #2
The idea of writing about how your background of abuse affected you is a good one.

However, this essay reads like a short story about an actual boxing match. I realize that you meant it as an extended metaphor, but you went a bit too far in doing so.
OP Kobesso 1 / 3  
Aug 21, 2013   #3
Ok thanks :)
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Aug 21, 2013   #4
You're very welcome.

If you wish, use the best of this stuff in your introduction and/or conclusion, but otherwise you've gotta play it pretty straight.
OP Kobesso 1 / 3  
Aug 22, 2013   #5
That makes sense. Thank you!
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 14, 2013   #6
I learned that shortly after my 11th birthday. My key opponent, my father.

I learned that shortly after my eleventh birthday; My key opponent was my father.

My first battle ever was lost to the one man I hated most.

.... this puzzles me a bit.... why do you say it's your father the man you hated the most? It sounds a bit unethical too because it gives a different meaning to your father & son relationship. ... why not use a word like "fear" ;

My first battle was lost to the man I feared the most.

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