I have just recently completed FSU's freshman essay. I was wondering if you guys/gals can offer me guidance in my path. Any response, either positive or critical, will be helpful. Here is the prompt and my answer.
Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeals most to you and why?
As a child, I never appreciated school and the work that came along with it. I thought life was all about having fun and not having any care in the world. My parents, especially my mother, have always pushed me to excel in my studies. They worked really hard to drill the fact that my education mattered into my mind. However, at the time, it had little importance to me. As I grew emotionally and mentally, I realized that education was everything, that education was the base of my future. People always seem to think that the materialistic items, love, and money make the world go around, but the fact of matter is, they are not the source of our society's rotation. Education is. This is for the simple fact that knowledge is a necessity for growth. In order to build financially, materialistically, to be loved, and to love, one must have knowledge that stems from education. Thus, learning is what makes the world spin.
The characteristic that appeals to me most is learning. I, along with many others, thrive off of it. There are no boundaries to learning. Learning is like space, open to anything and anyone, it is just a matter of how one takes advantage of it. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it is what keeps me going. Curiosity is the inextinguishable wick to my life's candle. It will burn and burn until there is nothing left. Curiosity is what allows me to break the walls; it is what allows me to move on in life, through exploration. By exploring, I am allowed to observe, and with observation, comes knowledge.
Learning helps me to recreate myself every time a mistake is made. Like fatigued and sore muscles, I rebound to become stronger than I was before. In this sense, mentally stronger. Learning is a way to turn back the clock, to fix our mistakes. Learning is crucial to get by. In our society and age, one has to be the fittest to survive, and to be well learned is to be fit. I firmly believe Florida State University is the key to my future. This world class university can help me bring my passion for learning to the next level.
well first, don't ever, EVER start a essay with "I learned many things after reading this book such as..." That is one thing that will take down your grade girl. It depends on how you write your paper, but you can start it with, "This book has influenced me to... OR "This book has opened my eyes to... Or maybe you just want to be simple and say "'The Secret Under my Skin' was a book that enlightened me to..." Try and be unique with the first line, it is really important that's its really good.
Now for the topic part, i personally wouldn't use what you had. It is very bland. Again, make the last sentence unique, a big BANG at the end, you know? So maybe you can say "After reading 'The Secret Under my Skin', I acquired the idea of...(and what ever idea you had). The part of the book that influenced this idea is (explain the part in detail) because..." Now see, doesn't that look a lot better and more tasteful?
Remember, when ever you try to write an essay, make it fun and unique, not bland and boring.
I hoped i helped
They worked really hard to drill the fact that my education mattered into my mind.
They worked really hard to make me realize how important the education is for my future.However, at the time, it had little importance to me. As I grew emotionally and mentally, I realized that education was everything, that education was the base of my future.
.... Ok.... what's your purpose in telling them that you were not interested in studies and then you became studious as you grow? You have failed to give the reader any idea as to how your perception changed and what contribute to that. If there's no such significance of that fact, then you can avoid talking about your childhood attitude towards education.
