"As a child, I was basically perfect." - Describe the world you come from

i wrote this essay to answer the common app prompt, so it doesn't describe the world i come from, i just talk about myself. can you plz suggest, what i can add or change to answer the first UC prompt?and also, any other comments or feedback would be GREATLY appreciated thank you! =)

UC Prompt: Describe the world you come from-- for example: you family, community, or school-- and tell how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I watched an old home video of my 5th birthday party I saw a sweet little girl,
with wonder in her eyes, tearing open her presents, and thanking everyone in an angelic voice. She had nothing but love to give to the world. But when I pressed stop on the remote control, that little girl was gone, and all that was left was a pessimistic, jaded teenager. Somewhere along the road from my fifth birthday to my teenage years, the sweet little girl was lost, and transformed into a stranger.

You know those people who are just naturally good at everything, and who are destined to succeed? That was me. Well, at least that was supposed to be me. As a child, I was basically perfect. "She never drank from a bottle, she drank straight from a cup when she was just one year old. She was such a quiet toddler, and never gave me any trouble" my mother loves to tell people. However, There's a point in your life, where you just have to stop and look at yourself and ask yourself are you the person you want to be. If I had caught a glimpse of my teenage self when I was five years old, would I be proud, or would I be ashamed?

At the beginning of high school, I thought I was progressing, but realized that in reality, I wasn't actually going anywhere. I realized I wasn't becoming the person I wanted to be, I was heading in another direction. High School was, in my mind, a place where I would flourish and grow into a perfect, mature, independent, young adult. Going into a new school district my freshman year, where I didn't know anybody was scary for me. I became introverted and self conscious, and I felt inferior to everyone at my school. It was hard for me to make friends and to settle down. In addition to that, I was trying so hard in academics, but still not getting good results, so I lost faith in my abilities, and in myself. I told myself I wasn't smart enough and that no matter how hard I tried, I would still fail. Over the years, I developed a negative attitude toward everything in life, but I knew I couldn't keep living that way. During the summer before junior year, I really had time to think about my life and where it was going. I realized that feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to get me anywhere and I needed to change things. I told myself that yes, I wasn't as smart as my other classmates, but that just meant I would have to work ten times harder than them. So I signed up for three AP classes and started Junior year with a fresh and positive attitude. I flourished in my AP classes and crossed boundaries, I didn't know I was capable of crossing.

If I were to catch a glimpse my teenage self when I was five years old, I would be ashamed that I had not become the perfect person I aspired to be. But if I were given an opportunity now, to go back in time, and change my whole high school experience, where I could have been more outgoing and made friends easier, or studied harder and gotten better grades, I wouldn't change a thing. Going through all of that has just made me a stronger person. It has made me a wiser person who is able to look back at myself, fix my mistakes, and improve my character. If I had just been one of those perfect people all of my life, I would have been denied the wonderful satisfaction of working so hard at something and finally achieving a goal. I wouldn't be the strong, independent person I am today. If my five year old self were to see me now, she would be proud.

i love your writing style, it feels very casual and easy to read. Your voice is very clear throughout your essay.

However, i don't think you'vequite answered the question. it says to tell how your world shaped your ASPIRATIONS AND DREAMS. here, you've told us how it shaped you as a person.

Hi Dipika,

This is a very good essay. It is just not the right essay for the prompt.
The prompt would be answered better if you elaborate on how your difficult first few years in school inspired you (to prove yourself in the real world maybe?).

The experiences you described here are about your entire high school years. I think what the second UC prompt wants is a specific achievement or experience.

Whichever prompt you decide to answer, don't use the same essay to answer both prompts (especially to the same university). You will come across as lazy!

Ummm tentatively... UCLA, UCR, UCSB, USC, NYU, UofM, UofChic, Columbia, Cal Poly San Luis

I would say NYU/Columbia are my top choices..

How about you?

Remove all but the last comma.


Remove comma.


Remove commas.


Comma needed to end quotation: "...never gave me any trouble," my mother loves...


Remove comma


awkward phrasing. Maybe: ...ask yourself, am I the person I want to be?

or

ask yourself if you are the person you want to be. (no question mark for this option).


keep the comma before "but," but remove the others. Add "I" after "but." Commas should be used to separate clauses within a sentence ("At the beginning of high school I thought I was progressing" is essentially one clause in this sentence. You could make it a sentence of its own and keep the comma: "At the beginning of high school, I thought I was progressing. But I realized..."). Right now, your commas appear far too frequently and make your sentences seem more complex than they really are.

Sorry I can;t comment in more detail; I have some work of my own I'm putting off right now, but hopefully this gives you a good place to start. See if you can find some other commas to remove later in the paper (there are several that need to come out). In general, however, this is solid work with clear ideas and a nice arc.

Er. difficult topic. I like your title "a teenager's journey of self-reflection."
to me, a lot of your essay is about wishful thinking about being a child again.
you do say "I wouldn't change a thing." seems a bit negative because you face so many disappointments.
You use "you" in your essay; while this strays from convention, I'm not sure whether it adds or detracts from your tone. I think it adds..a bit of voice only, not much about your main point, so consider an edit?

Your conclusion is strong, but edit you intro [though I like how it sounds] to show what your essay will be about.
read over your essay again, make sure it answers the prompt thoroughly. as for commas, I hope pheelyks made enough changes.

Hope you can read over my essay

thank you so much pheelyks! i REALLY appreciate it!

I absolutely love love the way you write. I never skipped a word or a sentence and my eyes were practically glued onto the screen while I read your essay. (I think I might of even rubbed my eyes cuz I forgot to blink.)

The one thing I feel would help, if I am replying too late, I apologize, is that I felt like I read a story more than an essay answer to the prompt. I had the same mistake, so I don't blame you, but from what I hear, they wanna see somebody who can answer the question they are asking, but tell a story at the same time. They essentially want the answer to flow out of what they read.

Reread what you wrote, and ask yourself. What was my talent, experience, accomplishment or contribution that screams YOU? Is that in your essay? or are you simply just saying that you were not motivated and very pessimistic before but stepped it up a notch in the summer of Junior year?

But keep up the wonderful work with the tone of the essay. Its a good character to show off.