Some parts might seem illogical or cloudy. Let me know if you feel something wrong :)
Briefly describe a non-academic pursuit (such as service to community or family, a club or sport, or work, etc.,) that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important to you. (250 word limit)
How can I be indifferent walking in the street, seeing all those children, very, very young -small- children trying to sell a very cheap thing in order to at least have a thing to eat at the night? Since my childhood, though not being passionate or sensitive at all -which I still am not, I always felt a feeling in my gut when seeing those children so much different and far from my precious, joyful life. Nowadays, one of my hundreds activities is to be a part of the Child Labor NGO community.
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Sa1na, you only have 100 words to state your case and you are wasting it using fillers. You need to go direct to the point. If the activity is teaching others to speak in English, then say so right from the start. You don't need to get flowery with your statement. Directness is the only way your comment will make an impression on the admission officer.
we are going to teach english to all those children eager to learn what common people in our country try to force their children to learn. Teaching them, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. If we do not stand up for them, who is going to? Who is going to tell them that they have a value in this world, just like all other so-called "fortunate" children?
- Why are you talking about something that you have not yet done? The essay is asking you to describe who you are using an activity that is important to you. If you are already teaching students to speak in English and you consider it important, then discuss that and explain why it is important to you. Right now, your essay is not answering the prompt because you are talking about something that you are not directly participating in yet so it cannot describe who you are as a person. You will need to revise this paper in totality.
Revised (not completely, but so much)
How can I be indifferent walking in the street, seeing all those children endeavoring to sell a very cheap thing? Since my childhood, though not being passionate or sensitive at all -which I still am not, I always felt a a sense of responsibility when seeing those children. Nowadays, one of my hundreds activities is to be a part of the Child Labor NGO community. I use my fluency in English to translate important news in order to enhance people's and community member's knowledge about the issue; what these children need is not money, but is the people's perception. There are lots of researches that cannot be used in the way of developing these children's conditions just since they are in English while community members mostly are not familiar with English.
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Moreover, I teach english, and sometimes other lessons, to those labor children. They are not normal children; therefore, I am not an ordinary teacher; they have lots of psychological issues which should be considered while you interact with them. Teaching them something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. If we do not stand up for them, who is going to? Who is going to tell them that they have a value in this world, just like all other so-called "fortunate" children?
- This is the cause that is important to you. It illustrates who you are and why this cause is important to you. I suggest that you delete all other portions of your essay and develop this idea, this important activity within 100 words. This is the answer to the prompt. All you need to do is describe how this activity embodies who you are and why doing this is important to you.
Completely revised now :D :
BTW, the limit is not 100, it is 250
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If we do not stand up for them, who is going to? Who is going to tell them that they have a value in this world, just like all other so-called "fortunate" children?
- Sa1na, your essay has vastly improved. However, there is a problem with your conclusion that you need to fix before I can jump in and help you polish the essay. Under proper academic writing rules, you cannot conclude your essay with a question, let alone 2 questions. So you need to go back to your conclusion and revise it. Change the questions to statements and you should be alright.
In a conclusion, one is not allowed to introduce new ideas. By ending your essay with questions, you are posing new ideas for discussion. Which is not done within the paper itself. So it leaves the essay hanging instead. You can however, present questions that you can also present answers to earlier on in the paper. You can choose which paragraphs to add questions to. You just can't do it in the conclusion.
Teaching those children something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. This sense would appease them, slash their anger towards everyone their believe to have a fault in their being misfortunate, and give them the chance to become a convenient member of the society.
Sa1na, I am not exactly sure what it is that you are trying to say with your previous post because it did not come in the form of the full essay. Where exactly is this portion supposed to be located? Kindly upload a new version of the essay with the aforementioned portion duly marked so that we can get an idea of what it is that you are trying to do or address in the essay. As of the moment, I am not sure how to treat that post.
I hope you are not getting irritated by the constant revisions. That is a part and parcel of a student's life. This is only the beginning of a life that will be filled with constant revisions and editing work at school. So be prepared :-) We will be here to assist you whenever you need us as well :-)
I tried to revise the conclusion so there would be no question in it.
btw, I am so grateful. There is no one here, in our country, helping me with my application since our native language is not English and moreover people do not usually apply for universities when they are my age. Thus, you cannot imagine how grateful I am and how encouraged I feel because of this.
One of my hundreds activities as a handy member of the society is to be a part of the Child Labor NGO community. I use my fluency in English to translate important news in order to enhance people's and community member's knowledge about the issue; what these children need is not money, but is the people's perception. There are lots of researches that cannot be used in the way of developing these children's conditions just since they are in English.
Moreover, I teach english, and sometimes other lessons, to those labor children. They are not normal children; therefore, I am not an regular teacher; they have lots of psychological issues which should be considered while someone interacts with them. Having been a programming and English teacher, and also a Shooting coach, I had some experiences before starting to be a member of this community. However, those experiences ,though worthwhile, are what all common people might achieve as well. Being a labor child's teacher demonstrates to you how to be patient and not to ever lose your temper. Moreover, it shows you how to wear others' shoes and try to be in their place, feeling their sufferings as well.
Teaching those children something, especially English, gives them the sense of worthiness and importance. This sense would appease them, slash their anger towards all people, and give them the chance to become a convenient member of the society.
btw, I am so grateful. There is no one here, in our country, helping me with my application since our native language is not English and moreover people do not usually apply for universities when they are my age. Thus, you cannot imagine how grateful I am and how encouraged I feel because of this.
- We are glad we can be of help to you :-) You should be proud of everything you have accomplished thus far :-) We will continue to be here for you for as long as you need us.Having reviewed your latest essay version, I believe that it is as ready as it can be for submission. Don't take my word for it though. The final decision will be yours. If you feel the same way as I do, then you have my support and encouragement to go ahead and submit the paper :-)
