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Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem

tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Jan 14, 2013   #1
Briefly describe what you believe is a major domestic problem confronting the United States - socially, economically or in health care. Indicate how you think this problem should be resolved.

CHECK THIS FOR ANY PUNCTUATION ERRORS I MIGHT HAVE MADE. I'll check back in about an hour to see whether you have any questions.

Healthy Eating in School

Occasionally, I walk into my school cafeteria and all I can think is, "Why?" We are served all sorts of tasty treats laden with sugar, oil, and fat. Almost without exception, the students who are struggling with their weight are the very students eating these foods. There are countless ways to successfully tackle the childhood obesity epidemic.

School is the best place to start.

Replacing pizza and French fries them with healthier options like rice, vegetables, and fresh fruit would prompt a significant decrease in the percentage of obese youth. My school's vending machines were once notorious for their vast array of chips, juice, and candy. One day, however, we arrived and were shocked to see a new machine stocked with boxes of fresh pineapples, carrots, apple slices, and grapes. Today, students flock to it more eagerly than they do the old vending machines. Such a simple improvement should be made in every school.

Physical education is another critical factor in the fight against obesity. All students should participate in gym every single day and take health classes periodically. Second, gym must carry real academic significance. At my school, students do not take gym seriously because they know that it will not affect their grade point averages. If all public schools counted gym on the report card, students-especially those in high school-would participate and learn the importance of diet and exercise. Finally, we need to emphasize more strongly the importance of interscholastic athletics. After-school physical activity can go a long way-children cannot relax on couches and attend softball practices simultaneously.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the percentage of obese children aged 6-11 years in the United States increased from 7% in 1980 to nearly 20% in 2008. If effective action is not taken soon, the numbers will only increase. Obesity affects a child on all levels: physical, mental, and emotional. It is our collective patriotic obligation to overcome this national epidemic. Children are the most precious part of our society; we must build them up to be confident, healthy, and strong. It is imperative that we stop viewing this crisis halfheartedly and apathetically.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 14, 2013   #2
the pleasant memories of my childhood years were effortlessly replaced withheart breaking concerns for the coming generation.

... I suggest "alarming concerns" instead of "heart breaking" .

Facts show that the majority of Americans agree that poor parenting is the major cause of childhood obesity.

... strong point and you have presented it very nicely.

When it comes to their children, many parents and guardians are reluctant or embarrassed to admit that they might have a problem

.... I wish if you were more specific about the problem here and the reader would understand what you mean only when he proceeds to other lines of the essay. Don't leave the reader in an ambiguous status :)

Nice Job and I wish you Good Luck!
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 14, 2013   #3
In terms of writing quality, this is satisfactory but it doesn't answer the question. It says to briefly describe the problem and then propose (a) solution(s).

What you've done is not-so-briefly described the problem and then given reasons and, occasionally, assigned blame for it.

Here are your tasks (in order of importance) on an essay like this:

---answer the question as it's phrased
---show that you know how to think
---show that you know how to write at a college level

There are also some key words to avoid and some important types of words to use.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 15, 2013   #4
When does this need to be finished?

Also, what's the word count?
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 15, 2013   #5
Well I started editing your essay, but apparently you've left me...
Didgeridoo - / 306 191  
Jan 15, 2013   #6
It's a solid essay in that it technically answers the question, but I ended it with a bunch of questions, and I didn't really learn anything about you or why you feel so strongly about this issue. Have you or someone close to you ever suffered from health problems or bullying because you once had a weight problem? What have you done to solve this crisis in a small way, or raise awareness about the issue? I feel like you pulled this topic out of thin air; more details will turn this generic essay into a unique one.
OP tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Jan 15, 2013   #7
I'm so sorry! i was scared you would not see it in time so i just made a new tread. I need to send it by the end of today. The application says no more than three pages double spaced. This is exactly two word count is 838
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jan 15, 2013   #8
It's gonna be a lot shorter, which is good.

What time tonight do you need this?

I have to leave the computer for about twenty minutes.
OP tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Jan 15, 2013   #9
ok thats absoluley fine. Ill need to send it by midnight I suppose.

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