- Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.
You guys feel like my essay accomplishes its purpose well? Anything excessive or unnecessary? Anything necessary? Thanks all!
The sharp, nauseating smell of nail polish, the stale, hissing sound of air guns, and the sight of fresh, varying faces of women, and the occasional men, who wanted to do business with my parents: these were the sensations that surrounded me everyday for nearly ten years of my life. These were the sensations that I reluctantly became used to and then soon after, love. Although I didn't get to see my friends outside of school, nor did I get to do anything fun such as play tackle football with the neighborhood kids like I wanted, I still had a childhood worth remembering in that nail salon.
Those years behind the front desk, the manicure station, or the pedicure station weren't years of tedious tasks, but rather, years of opportunity. Those years presented themselves with chances of getting to learn about the lives that made my life and my family's life possible. I timidly spoke to women, sometimes men, of all walks of life: teachers, doctors, stay-at-home wives, lawyers, and other many other professions. Teachers talked about students, lawyers about cases, wives about husbands, I listened, and more importantly, I cared. Somehow, as I listened and spoke back to some of them, they seemed to appreciate the ears and voice of a little child.
Today, not much has changed. Even though the nail salon business is over and school's become more demanding, I still like to listen to others and sometimes offer a little perspective.
In the beginning, just be careful of using too many adjectives. Sometimes too many can be more wordy and less powerful. I thought there were a few unnecessary words.. You may think different because some of those words may get your point across better! I tried to fix some of the grammar issues, like run-on sentences and other stuff. Overall, I think it's great and definitely unique!
Those years presented themselves with chances of getting to learn about the lives people that made my life and my family's life possible.
...and other many other professionals . Teachers talked about students, lawyers about cases, wives about husbands, I listened, and more importantly, I cared. This sentence starts to digress, and I think you should take this opportunity to direct the focus back toward what you want the reader to remember about you: make a connection between the experience at the salon and the goals you pursue by applying to this school.
I still like to listen to others and sometimes offer a little perspective.---everybody does. Sharpen this up at the end, and make the reader have a glimpse of your future as a XXXXX, or as a YYYYYYYY --- your careers of interest. The essay can add up to something more than just "I listen and offer ideas." Instead, it can show that you really are prepared for and deserve to have the opportunity you seek.
:-)
"The sharp, nauseating smell of nail polish, the stale, hissing sound of air guns, and the sight of fresh, varying faces of women, and the occasional men, who wanted to do business with my parents: these were the sensations that surrounded me everyday for nearly ten years of my life."
This is a beautiful way of starting off the essay! You got the reader hooked from the smells you put in their head. You used sensory images to capture the readers attention.. Bravo! However, just like majix011 stated previously, too many adjectives can be a buzzkill .
