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As children, many of us have dreams of becoming famous or someone who everybody knows or aspire to


Jan 10, 2009   #1
I wish i had found this forum last week...at least i found it.
Does my essay fit the prompt?

The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

As children, many of us have dreams of becoming famous or someone who everybody knows or aspire to be. I was once that child who looked on the movie screen and said, "That should be me". Rather than discourage me, my parents provided a myriad of opportunities where I could explore my strengths and talents through a home school experience.

My first educational experiences came literally from my parents. I was a homeschooled from kindergarten through sixth grade. Many would think that this learning scenario was isolating and overbearing but rather it provided a love for learning and motivation. My schooling was the world around me and I use it as my canvas.

My parents were not hippies and I their love child but both consider themselves public servants. My father is an officer in the army (who is now serving in Iraq). My mother is an educator who now teaches in the public school system. Both believe (and in turn instilled in me) that there must be purpose in all we do. That life is a ministry and we must treat it as such. With this mantra in mind, I was educated remembering to search for my purpose. I did not know exactly what my purpose would be but I had the opportunity to find it in my school without walls. After our daily academic ritual, we would then take our education on the road. I would travel to art museums with my sketch book in hand, mimicking great artist like Picasso and Cassatt. I often visited the science center where I saw artists perform monologues as great inventors and learned about the discoveries of great inventions. I learned early that within me is greatness and to search as to how I can make the world even better.

Now a senior in high school I realize I have a great talent in art, math and science. Through my art both I and others experience tranquility. Through math and science I understand the world and how it works. When I put my talents and natural gravitation to these disciplines, I see my purpose and peace in this chaotic world. When I walk through an old building, It excites me observe its structure and how the building maintains it strength. I notice its' fluidity and how the structure fits in with the community. As an architect, I will bring not only a safe reliable structure but artistry to the community. While in college I plan participate in programs that develop housing for the underprivileged. I would also like to live abroad for a year and do the same in a third world country. To understand the culture and build sustainable housing gives me purpose that highlights my talents.

In order to fulfill my purpose proper education is a necessity and the University of Southern California has the reputation of developing great leaders and public servants in all of its' disciplines. If selected, plan to become one of professionals that the school is proud to have produced and I am proud to become.

Jan 10, 2009   #2
Just did a quick review. Wonderful closing statement. The essay overall is a very good essay. Lovely, lovely ending. Here's what you do. Take out a lot of the introduction because it is rather ambiguous. It seemed like it strayed away but after a while it was like "Oh, that's what you were getting to". If you get what I mean. For example:

My parents were not hippies and loved me but they both considered themselves public servants. My father is an officer in the army and is now serving in Iraq. My mother is an educator who now teaches in the public school system. Both believe (and in turn instilled in me) that there must be purpose in all we do. That life is a ministry and we must treat it as such.

Is better just like this:

Both my parents believe and have instilled in me that there must be purpose in all that we do and that life is a ministry so we must treat it as such.

Hope I helped. And I think with my adjustments your essay will now answer the prompt perfectly. Oh, and GOOD LUCK!

Oh and could you please comment on my University of Wisconsin statement 1 and 2. Please and Thank You
I would take out the 'literally' part before 'from my parents'
I was a homeschooled ...
the hippies/love child part is a little weird...
EF_KevinThreads: 8
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Jan 11, 2009   #4
I agree, good advice here!

My parents were not hippies and I their love child but both consider themselves public servants.

Add one more sentence to the first paragraph... a sentence that refers to the prompt question directly: My great passion is the art of architecture...
Jan 15, 2009   #5
i wish i knew about the urgent thing ...yea the hippies part is a little dramatic lol

geeez i wish i had found this site earlier


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