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The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland.


morouj 1 / 2  
Jun 26, 2011   #1
ok so this is just the intro for my undergrad addmission

ps: i'm an international student. english isn't my first language

I'm applying for biology-biotechnology

here it is

I was 6 when my sister first got diagnosed with leukemia. It took an unimaginable toll on our family. especially my mother. She spent every night holding her tears over my sister's bed praying.

For that I spent a large amount of time at the hospital. wandering through the long stretched hallways. thinking, a child could be dying in one those rooms.

The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland.
I sat there for hours. jumping from one book to another. swifting through the many pages. I felt completely at peace but my ultimate escape was an encyclopedia conveniently entitled " How the world works " you see I was a curious child. I found comfort in facts,knowing how something would function. Why do planets float? Why is the sky blue? how many bones are there in a human body?

even though I was only a child, I knew it was my calling in life.

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
Jun 26, 2011   #2
I was six years old when my sister was first got diagnosed with leukemia.

It took an unimaginable toll on our family, especially my mother.

She spent every night holding back her tears, and praying at my sister's bedside. ---This was actually fine the way you had it, I just thought this would sound good!

Because of that situation, I spent a large amount of time at the hospital, wandering through the long stretched hallways thinking; a child could be dying in one those rooms.

I sat in there for hours, jumping from one book to another,sifting through the many pages.

I felt completely at peace but my ultimate escape was an encyclopedia convenientlytitled "How the W orld W orks." You see, I was a curious child.

E ven though I was only a child, I knew it ---here is where you should write what you mean specifically. What is your calling?--- was my calling in life.

Sometimes you forget to capitalize the first letter of a sentence, so be careful of that.

Have fun in school!
:)
OP morouj 1 / 2  
Jun 26, 2011   #3
thank you so much
that helped alot!

what do you think of it other than the punctuation mistakes?
elevit2 9 / 20  
Jun 26, 2011   #4
From what you wrote, I see that you are a good writer.
However, please explain more on the emotions your family felt when your sister was diagnosed with leukemia. I understand it may be difficult to go back there, but make us feel what you felt.

Perhaps discuss more of the calling you talk about. What else made you want to do biology-biotechnology?
I hope I helped. Good luck and Godspeed!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 27, 2011   #5
***Please give your threads a descriptive title or your membership will soon be suspended! :-)
OP morouj 1 / 2  
Jun 30, 2011   #6
done! please tell me what you think :(

Biology is greek for the study of life
to me, it's the study of the most miraculous gift that has ever been bestowed upon us. It is the study of the wonder, beauty and the mystery that is life itself and to study it is to learn humility, responsibility and gratitude and I am grateful for the chance to study it.

I was six when my sister first got diagnosed with leukemia.
My young age did not allow me to fully comprehend the situation.
My parents tried to shield me from the agonising truth, that my sister's life could come to an end.

My mother took it the hardest and decided to stay by my sister's bed, leaving me and my older siblings at home.

The sound of the school bell at the end of the day brought me fear and despair. Sinking my soul back to where it belonged.

It meant that the time to pay a visit to the hospital has come.
Although I missed my sister and mother a great deal, watching my sister's lifeless limb body spread across the bed sheets was an eerie sight for my innocent little eyes. Yet my mother's was far worst. she sat there with tearless hollow expressions un aware of what or who surrounded her. Waiting, hoping for a miracle.

I wandered through the long stretched hallways trying to escape the stench of death, but it followed me everywhere.

The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland.
I sat there for hours upon hours. Lost in a timeless warp. jumping from one book to another. swifting through the many colorful pages.
One of those books was an encyclopedia titeled " How the World Works " the moment I held that worn out encyclopedia, was the moment I knew that biology was my calling in life.

Following that I was determined to excel in school, thus I graduated with honors from secondary school (natural sciences path) placing me amongst the top 10 on my class. I passed the medical acceptance test to be on the top 5%. I was also in the gifted and talented students program at my school. I earned my bachelor's degree in accounting . My decision to major in accounting came from my notable mathematical skills. My studies have given me the ability to observe, analyse and solve difficult problems.

I worked as an English teacher for non English speakers. Although I was only self taught. working as a teacher improved my sense of responsibility. It has also taught me patience and understanding.

currently, I work at an Investment group as a financial securities trader.

As I have gained a lot from my previous studies and experiences, Now is the time I answer to my calling.

My desire for studying biology has never disappeared, just temporarily hidden from expectation. I came across a sea of obstacles but they never hendered my efforts to reach my goal.

I am extremely excited at the prospect of being able to study Biology to a higher level and
expanding my knowledge. I am a determined and eager student who would thrive within the
academic and social environments of the university.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 2, 2011   #7
Biology is greek for the study of life. ---Is it Greek? Anyway, capitalize Greek.

Capitalize:
T o me, it's the ...

...study of the most miraculous gift that has ever been bestowed upon us. It is the study of the wonder, beauty and the mystery that is life itself and to study it is to learn humility, responsibility and gratitude and I am grateful for the chance to study it. (Now add a sentence that will express the main theme of the essay and help you transition into talking about your sister.

unaware of what or who surrounded her.

I wandered through the long stretched hallways trying to escape the stench of death, but it followed me everywhere.---Excellent writing here. The best writing always comes from painful experiences

Use an apostrophe after the s:
I was also in the gifted and talented students' program at ...

This is not a complete sentence:
Although I was only self-taught. ----I added a hyphen, too!

Do not capitalize here:
As I have gained a lot from my previous studies and experiences, now is the time I answer to my calling.

My desire for studying biology has never disappeared, just temporarily hidden from expectation. I came across a sea of obstacles but they never hindered my efforts to reach my goal.

I am extremely excited at about the prospect of ...

Nice job!! The tough times you endured will make you a great biologist/physician/researcher. Enjoy your upcoming success!!


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