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"children go through a psychosexual development" - Carnegie Supplement


chocana 6 / 18  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Carnegie: why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). Why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. (500)

Did you know that children go through a psychosexual development? Did you know that there is a theory outlined after the infamous story of Oedipus? Not me either! It was these wacky explanations behind human behavior that caught my interest in psychology. The crazy Freudian theories acted like fireflies at the mouth of the cave of psychology. They danced in front of my eyes, tempting me to explore the cave. Once I set my foot in the cave, I was not able to turn back. Every aspect of psychology appealed to me. When I opened a psychology text book, I thought I was reading a book about myself because every point was related to me. The lectures seemed like a speech created just for me. Thus, now I realized that my mood swings were caused by fluctuations of chemicals in my brain, not just because I had a bad day. I now knew that sugar high induced by eating chocolate was caused by dopamine rushing to my brain, not because of the sinfully delicious chocolate. Being able to apply the psychological theories behind my actions made me feel powerful and omniscient, because I was able to understand myself.

Internship experience at Little Lambs kindergarten further fueled my curiosity and fascination. I carried out my first psychological observation by keenly deciphering the behavior of children. Behind their innocent smiles and seemingly confused faces, they were like volatile clay constantly being shaped by their surroundings and their intrinsic senses. Their behavior opened my eyes to the on-going nature versus nurture debate. My observation helped me find a particular topic in the vast sea of psychology; developmental psychology.

As I research possible area of focus in the wide scope of psychology, I realize that my current knowledge is like the tip of an iceberg. It is only a part of the extensive body of information. Beneath the surface lies so much more, like the hidden contents in the metaphorical cave of psychology. Thus, in order to stretch my myopic knowledge and capacity of learning, I search for a bright, flaming torch that will fuel my passion and illuminate the burgeoning study of psychology. I believe Carnegie Mellon's psychology program is that bright torch as its wide curriculum of cognitive science opens more opportunities for me, as I will have vast knowledge on the subject.

It's not finished yet, and it sucks real bad because I just wrote it. Please help me reshape this essay!! Thanks! I'll return the favor!
livedreamfly3 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
*First of all, it seems kind of amateur-ish to start off the essay with questions.

not just because I had a bad day.

not because of the sinfully delicious chocolate.

because I was able to understand myself.

because, because,because. unless it's meant to be poetic, idt this repetition is helping.

Good premise.
I enjoy the metaphor with the cave and fireflies. sums up the essay nicely!
GL!

**please edit my Stanford essay! :)
OP chocana 6 / 18  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
@livedream: the because was supposed to be poetic but I guess it didn't work out that well lol
How about the flow of ideas? Isn't the paragraphs really choppy?
livedreamfly3 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
you have great ideas, like i said before.
I think you need to write these ideas down on a sheet of paper.
Your metaphor with the "cave" and your ideas, i believe can work well if you set it straight in your brain what your motive is.

Above all else, i think ^ method will help with transitions, choppiness, etc.
(it's what i do! ^^)
OP chocana 6 / 18  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Thanks!!
luckyLUX 1 / 3  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
i like the idea of you explaining the neurochemical fluxuations, i say stick with that train of thought, maybe try to clean it up a bit

and... "Did you know that children go through a psychosexual development? Did you know that there is a theory outlined after the infamous story of Oedipus? Not me either! It was these wacky explanations behind human behavior that caught my interest in psychology."

it seems to me that if you were going into psychology you would already know these (i always found freud fascinating too)
i always cringe when reading something that begins with a question, you could try to rephrase into statements


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