Sorry to bother you guys, if possible, please evaluate my admissions essay for UF.
Please submit one essay.
Remember to keep within the 400-500 word maximum length.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
The heart that had been emotionless for so long suddenly sank into my chest; I couldn't bear to carry it anymore. The eyes that hadn't cried in years began to rupture, cascades of acid rain flowed down my cheeks. How is it possible that people have to live like this? In December of 2005, I made a trip that changed my life entirely: I went to Nicaragua. It wasn't like I hadn't gone before: I had been here multiple times before, as it is where my parents were born and where most of my family lives. But this year was entirely different. On Christmas Eve, we cooked and bought toys to hand out to homeless children the next day. It was a massive collaboration between my entire family. My uncle told us that we were going to the "Children of the trash". I really didn't think much about it until I arrived there.
The stench of the place was reminiscent of a dead rat after days had passed since its death. We were in the outskirts of Managua, in the second poorest country of the Americas, but yet, I was never expecting it to be this way. The children had every bone visible in their bodies and pot-bellies full of parasites. I saw a boy licking an empty can of beans with a hope in his eyes that maybe there was still some juice left. Most of the children were naked; we saw scars, rashes and bruises. As the children formed the line, we served them a small plate of pork and rice. I cried every time I got a hug from them, and every one of my heartbeats was either despair or sorrow. A little girl around five wiped the tear out of my right cheek with a small delicate finger. My head was spinning and I started to feel guilty for all the things I had taken advantage of in my life. We then began to give out the clothes and the toys we had gotten for them. I wished I was a millionaire to help these kids, these innocent souls that were born into these revolting conditions. When we set off to leave, all the children smiled and waved goodbye. I couldn't see their faces well anymore, as my watery eyes only saw blurs.
This trip was heartbreaking, but it allowed me to change the way I am. I am now more appreciative for how I live and hardly complain about anything. My experiences encourage me to excel in my schoolwork and become what I want to be so that one day I can go back and help these children. In college, I will make sure to volunteer wherever I can and take advantage of the opportunities given to me, mainly because not everyone has them. The opportunities we have to excel have to be taken and surpassed, as by getting educated about the world around you, we begin to change the planet for good.
What a moving and heartfelt essay! I doubt that the admissions committee could read this and forget about you--this essay will stay with them. I would not change a word of it. The only editing suggestion I have is this:
"Children of the trash". - it should be "children of the trash." Use a small "c" and, when writing American English, always put the period inside the quotation mark, even if it seems counter-intuitive. The only exception to that rule is for single letters, like "a".
I hope the school of your choice realizes what an asset you would be, and admits you quickly!