Hello, I need feedback on my essay for UC. Can anyone help me with my grammar and whether I answered the prompt correctly and if I should add more or not...? The word limit is 1000.
Here's the prompt:
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
When I was a kid, I remember my mother would play this song. It was a Latin American folk song that at the time I considered to be incredibly corny. It went a little like this, "...Y asï como todo cambia, que yo cambiï no es extraïo." In other words, "and in the same way everything else changes, for me to change isn't strange." I guess I thought it was corny because I didn't understand it and it wasn't what I was listening to when I was eight. But as the years have gone by, I feel more moved by this song. It's a song that talks about how everything in the world changes ï that life in itself is a constant change. And now I realize that I have been a part of that change. The egoism within every human may say otherwise, that it's our surroundings that have changed. But I would be a fool to not realize that I too have changed. I have been changed, shaped, and molded into the person I am today by both the things around me and the people around me.
Like with all people, the foundation in which people begin to shape comes from their families. And to say that my foundation was built from my family would be an understatement because my foundation and basically my entire structure can be very well credited to my family. We live in Queens, New York being the only Chileans of our neighborhood. And I'll tell you that being Chilean in NYC, in my opinion, is a rarity. I mean New York itself is the world's melting pot with so much diversity that if Globalization were a man, he'd smile upon this multicultural city. Yet, how is it that we manage to be the only Chileans in our neighborhood, in NY? How is it that I manage to be the only Chilean out of the 4,000 student population of my school? If that isn't rare, I don't know what is. So as you can see, my foundation has been formed on rarity and that for the main part of my life has been upheld in my family. We are traditional and pretty hardcore with or "Chilean-ness." Or at least we'd like to think so.
Honestly, I can't say we're hardcore Chileans because I eat turkey dinners for Thanksgiving and hamburgers on Fourth of July...that's not too Chilean is it? ...No it's not and whether we like it or not, we've changed. I've changed. When I celebrate Chinese New Year with my friends, or when I decide to fast with my friend during Ramadan, or when I throw colored powder at my friends during the Holi festival...that's not very Chilean. In reality, it comes down to the simple fact that I have my school ï Brooklyn Technical High School ï to thank for changing me. I planned on going into high school learning about science and math yet I came out learning more about the world then I ever thought possible.
And learn math and science I did as well but I got more than I bargained for ï I got an education with more than just a little culture spiked into it. I learned that my love for the physical sciences could tie into the social sciences and that my friends from all different backgrounds would be there doing the same as me ï striving to be better people, better humans.
The world around me has changed since I was that eight year old kid listening to that corny song. But I too have changed. I realized that me being a rarity in my origin shouldn't be the essence of who I am but rather the essence of what I'll be able to contribute to those I come in contact with. My rarity shouldn't be what molds me but what improves the mold. Between my family and my school I think I've grown into not only into a Chilean but a Chilean with a love for the academia ï a Chilean who carries the growing knowledge and respect for the cultures that surround her and that continue teaching her. Now that is a rarity.
What a delightful essay! I think you did a great job answering the prompt. I have just a few editing suggestions:
When I was a kid, I remember my mother would play this song. - This would be perfect in a script for a play, or a conversation, but it might be just a little informal for this type of essay. It might be better to say "When I was a child, I remember hearing my mother play a song."
Like with all people - Say "As with all people"
And learn math and science I did, as well, [add commas] but I got more than I bargained for
I realized that [delete me] being a rarity in my origin shouldn't be the essence of who I am but rather the essence of what I'll be able to contribute to those I come in contact with. -This is a great sentence, by the way! :-)
a Chilean with a love for [delete the] academia