"From China to America" - UCF admission essay

1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

It was last year that I was still in China. At that time, I did not know what I was going to confront until I got here, the United States of America. Everything had changed; after all, America is nothing like china. This is my new life, I got to get accustomed to it.

I remember the first day I went to my high school, it was so different that I had never imaged the way the school does. My friends were all interesting in me, because I was new, they wanted to know everything about me and the way the Chinese schools do. However, one thing that blocked everything went well, that is my poor English.

I had to admit my English was terrible when I was in China, but I never thought this would be a problem. After my first school year ended, I realized I was like a new born baby, coming to a brand new world and knowing nothing about it. And absolutely, I did not want to go through what I went though in my first school year. All of a sudden, an idea jumped out of my mind: to get a better understanding of English. I knew diligence is necessarily inevitable; On top of that, I needed to procure other qualities to get used to the life and make more confident to talk to others.

My father works in UCF, and he recommends me to go to Center for Multilingual Multicultural Studies (CMMS), which is a part of UCF, but it is for the people who do not know English well, to improve my English and to make more friends.

The first week of CMMS, I was intimidated to speak out, but soon I found those in here were just like me, they did not know English a lot and not good at speaking, either. They are trying as well why can not I? I asked myself. Then I started to communicate with others and tried to make more friends. Day by day, my English had a big improve and I obtained the qualities that I wanted, that are the confidence and how Americans live. With confidence, I can do everything seems impossible. In my second High School year, I did not freak out to talk to people, and I had a happy junior year.

i must say, llama makes valid points in everyway.

ur english is pretty good to say you came here not to long ago, YET, it makes sense to go wiht another topic. lots of people are going to grab this one. this is a little trite.

plus something llama didnt mention, this is also pretty short and i didnt feel like i learned anything as well. i feel as if i could predict what was to come which bascially means the story was less interesting than it can be and shows no character (you) progression.

good luck!

You know it haha. :P


^ If this is a short answer it doesn't need to be long but the question seems to be intended for a long essay, I can't tell.

Instead of all of the prefacing material you now use, why not just start with a vivid description of your first day of school in America?

Yes. From there, you can make it clear that you are new to America.


^Interested in you*
Actually, this whole sentence needs rewording.

After my first school of year ended, I realized I was like a new born baby, coming to ain a brand new world and knowing nothing about it .

All of a sudden, an idea jumped out of my mind: to get a better understanding of English.
^Suddenly just like that eh? I am sure it occured to you sometime during your first year of high school.

I knew diligence is necessarily inevitable; On top of that, I needed to procure other qualities to get used to the life and make more confident to talk to others.

My father works in UCF, and he recommends me to go to Center for Multilingual Multicultural Studies (CMMS), which is a part of UCF, but it is for the people who do not know English well, to improve my English and to make more friends.

^I think UCF knows it's own centers.

The first week of CMMS, I was intimidated to speak out, but soon I found those in here were just like me, they did not know English a lot and not good at speaking, either.

^Well, i thought your father recommends it. From this sentence, it seems he 'recommended' it?

They are trying as well why can not I? I asked myself. Then I started to communicate with others and tried to make more friends. Day by day, my English had a big improve and I obtained the qualities that I wanted, that are the confidence and how Americans live. With confidence, I can do everything seems impossible. In my second High School year, I did not freak out to talk to people, and I had a happy junior year.

^K, this needs some revision. Quite a lot for it to be an effective essay.
Also, the last part is not necessary. The essay prompt is not expecting a happy answer. It just wants to know about an obstacle that you have faced, which in your case has been in your academic and social life, and wants to know more about it and perhaps how you dealt with it.

ok I will try to get another topic. I also realized this topic is so boring

I didn't find the topic boring. I just felt that you meandered before getting to the really interesting story.

How do I make an essay with depth? How do I get that point?

I'm not understanding your question.

^^ i think what minixiao is asking is (and im paraphrasing): "how do i make an essay that is 'in depth'? how do i get to that point?"

well i personally think bullet points ALWYAS help believe it or not. its good to list some important facts you wnat to be known in your essay and then take it from there. then once you have the "deep" parts, you have to make sure to develope them. you also want to make sure not to include all of them sometimes but just the good ones so that the essay can be very specific. once you have a specific essay, you will have a very in depth essay.

:)

Hmm... I'm not sure about bullet points within an admission essay, but I agree that the process of outlining what you want to say can lead you deeper and help you discover whatever it is that you have to say.

As for making an essay deeper: What has to happen first is for you to have the "deep thoughts," for you to reflect upon your experiences and come up with some insight on them. Sometimes journaling or freewriting, as opposed to structured outlining, can help you to write your way toward an insight.