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I'm from China - common app personal statement


lmy125 4 / 12  
Oct 16, 2009   #1
I'm from China and I want to apply for Brown.
Here is my personal statement.
Some of my classmates think it is boring...
but some think it is sensitive and creative.
So I'm confused... is it too risky?

Plz be harsh. All criticism is welcomed. Thank you all in advance!! :)

Topic of your choice.

I am what I am

I am:
A student who works hard all year round and loves learning only for learning's sake, but not just for a well-looking college transcript;

A daughter who always misses Mom and Dad when she was six years old in boarding school and at the time she lives in Beijing alone for four months while they are in Italy, to which a hemisphere to cross;

A teacher who carefully prepares for her English classes for Beijing taxi drivers who are even not able to recognize "A, B, C", feeling that she is doing a big thing that helps people touch the world;

A volunteer who stands under the scorching sun for 10 hours a day and repeats the same information wholeheartedly to thousands different people time and time again;

A leader who holds a Model United Nations Conference for the whole country and promotes it into a national-wide renowned conference, accepting being a paragon with mixed pride and nervousness;

A readingaholic who delves into books and is so intrigued by them that, although it is 1 a.m, she promises herself she will finish them before sleeps...

A pianist who plays piano since she was eight and lets the strings vibrate and the notes resonate in her heart as the beautiful melody of her colorful life;

A photographer who enjoys grasping all beautiful moments and lovely existence those turn up in her life as the given presents and precious memories;

A writer who keeps diary since elementary school and strives to capture on paper the essence of her life as she sees it;

An aesthete who reviews a film several times until mid-night to explore the way the director expresses his perception of the world and tries to establish her own view of the film which is considered the supreme form of art in her mind;

A tolerator who never intending to judge anyone she is acquainted with, instead she generally accepts the people around her and looks on the brighter side of them and learns from everyone;

An athlete who gets abraded, but, instead of simply quitting the Cross-country Orienteering competition, she perseveres in finishing it and breaks into the top rankings;

A friend who offers maximum number of advises - how to keep track on fashions, how to deal with the overwhelming homework - and greatest support on life, on love, and on family;

A dreamer who happily visualizes her picture when she becomes a college student or a lawyer, a filmmaker but trembles in the darkness of the heartache and obstacles future holds;

An economist who once failed to operate the pocket money she saved for a year which she poured into stock market and now is aware of the value of money and has had to work for it;

A young lady who is angry with the inequality in the society, the injustice in the wars, and the indifference of people, sincerely willing to shoulder the responsibility to change the world;

A skeptic who wants to believe in the unbearable lightness of being but cannot gloss over the mess that the heavy part of life creates for her;

A historian who inundate herself with history facts, comments and analysis, cherishing the past of human beings, seeking for avoiding the mistakes that have ever triggers badly destruction and asking herself - why we are here and where we are going;

An optimistic who supposes life is a maze and love is a riddle but fearlessly figures out her own way to decode them;

An idealist who believes in that having all her passion in what she is doing makes all the difference;

A perfectionist who must confirm that everything is in flawless condition, as a result, the tasks done by her sometimes take longer time...

A package of burning contradiction who is in one extreme, then totally another, keeping better herself through questioning herself;

A 17-year-old girl who just feels the beauty of life through trying new things and realizes a brand newer world is waiting for her across the Pacific Ocean;

I am what I am.

I am:
(here appears my name)

685 words in total
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 16, 2009   #2
I am what I am

Well, yes. A perfectly fine answer if you're, say, God, and cannot be comprehended by mere mortals. A tad over the top for everyone else.

Hmmmm . . . a nice list. Now, pick one (or maybe two or three, but one is fine) of these items, and discuss it in detail. Most uni. applications have plenty of sections where you get to list stuff about yourself. What they want in the essays is a chance to learn more about you in detail.
qyuiosilent 4 / 22  
Oct 16, 2009   #3
Hi Mengyin,

Interesting way to showcase different facets of your personality. I like the choice of your words; every clause contains strong verbs.

In my opinion, it may be a bit dangerous to use this as your main essay. Your main essay should be something in depth or revolve on a particular experience or incident. If I were you, I will use this as my supplementary essays or under "the additional information". Follow Sean's advice. Serve the main dish (ice cream) and add on this as broth (chocolate toppings).
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 16, 2009   #4
Serve the main dish (ice cream) and add on this as broth (chocolate toppings).

Nice metaphor. Good job.
OP lmy125 4 / 12  
Oct 16, 2009   #5
EF_Sean

Thank u very much for ur advice!
Some of my classmates also suggests me to focus on one thing. I'm trying to... but feel it's hard to pick a proper thing I'd really like to develop in detail. Anyway, I'll keep trying.

plus, r there some grammar errors or some sentences to be improved?

Thanks a lot!

In my opinion, it may be a bit dangerous to use this as your main essay. Your main essay should be something in depth or revolve on a particular experience or incident. If I were you, I will use this as my supplementary essays or under "the additional information". Follow Sean's advice. Serve the main dish (ice cream) and add on this as broth (chocolate toppings).

Ok I think I got u.. thanks very much!
ayida365 7 / 33  
Oct 16, 2009   #6
That's really creative! Maybe it's a little risky.
Maybe you can add some short explaination under each of your sentences, and make the whole a montage. Therefore you do not need to say much about anything (because your problem may be that you don't have much materials to extend one sentence into an article), but surly provide the details about everything.
OP lmy125 4 / 12  
Oct 16, 2009   #7
Maybe you can add some short explaination under each of your sentences, and make the whole a montage. Therefore you do not need to say much about anything (because your problem may be that you don't have much materials to extend one sentence into an article), but surly provide the details about everything.

Thanks!

you got my problem...

can u give me an example? about your "montage"... it's not clear to me.

btw, r u from China?
OP lmy125 4 / 12  
Oct 16, 2009   #8
Sometimes you used the wrong form of the verb (between present and continuous tenses) because you were not aware of the subjects in your sentences, be careful.

Yup I think it is my problem..

Thanks very much! for all your help.

I really want to take risk... but cannot decide yet.

I'll think it over.
qyuiosilent 4 / 22  
Oct 16, 2009   #9
Ok, if you are going to serve this as your main dish, then there are some things you got to take note:

A daughter who always misses Mom and Dad when she was six years old in boarding school and at the time she lives in Beijing alone for four months while they are in Italy, to which a hemisphere to cross;

I think the above doesn't really say much on you.

And what's the difference between

A young lady

and

A 17-year-old girl

? Consider changing the young lady to an activists in human or civil rights

Your list started with the "what you have done" and progressed to your "personal qualities" like being optimistic, skeptical... I think this a bit rough. And here comes my opinion on the montage.

Focus on like ten things you have done "like being a teacher, volunteer, writer, leader..."; expand a bit on them by incorporating the personal qualities that you want to bring across; restrict each to about fifty words so you doesn't exceed the word count.

For example: Merge a photographer with an idealist and talked about how you insisted in taking hundreds of shots just to get the perfect one. Then you will end up with ten roles and ten qualities. At least, this will help to compensate a bit for the lack in depth.
ayida365 7 / 33  
Oct 17, 2009   #10
lmy125

Yeah, I'm from PRC.
Ummm...for example..."A writer who keeps diary since elementary school and strives to capture on paper the essence of her life as she sees it" Then you could write what issues you often write about and what do you feel during writing, your accomplishment or something else...

"A friend who offers maximum number of advises - how to keep track on fashions, how to deal with the overwhelming homework - and greatest support on life, on love, and on family" Once, I...(tell a story).


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