Hi all, I'm looking for some advice on how to improve my UMICH essay. It is about community and I think my essay is a little weak. Also, do you think that I should shorten it a little bit ?
Please comment or revise my essay, thank you in advance !
Prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Here is my essay:
"What cannot be achieved in one lifetime will happen when one lifetime is joined to another." Harold Kushner's words remind me that a community can join people together who share the same beliefs. I believe that I belong to a community where people are interested in doing volunteer works to help those underprivileged in the society. People in this community believe that everyone is born equal, and they deserve equal love and care. Working in this community has made me realize my responsibility as an individual, and it provides me with the opportunity to explore my life and realize my personal value.
In my community, I place myself as a dynamic member who is pleased to work with his peers to help others create a better studying environment. When attending Southeast University, China, I got involved in a student volunteer club called Xingzhi whose name meant "spreading love and care to everyone in the world". I became a PE teacher at a rural primary school where teaching resources were in a great deficiency, and I was given the chance to witness the reality that there were still a considerable number of people who lived in poverty. However, with the spirit my community propagated, I was geared up to help the children in need. I researched into the teaching materials with a couple of my peers; and we taught the children to do essential physical exercises and some sports such as Ping Pong and Tai Chi. Eventually, I was able to encourage the children to participate, suceeding in teaching organized classes with well-behaved students.
My teaching experience has prepared me with the understanding and enthusiasm to help the underprivileged in our society, which was also the spirit of Xingzhi. It was a community where I could volunteered to help others with my interest accommodated. Without a doubt, I belong to a community of kind-hearted volunteers, and it is my sincere hope that I can continue dedicating myself in a community like Xingzhi in my future school.
(335 words)
Please be critic, and feel free to give your advice. THANKS!!
I'm not a native speaker so sorry for my poor language.
Anyway, any feedbacks are welcome! Thank you.
well despite your claim that you are not a native speaker, I think this is a pretty well-written essay. it shows which community you belong to, your place in it, and what you've learned from it. good luck on your application porccess!
Thank you YPan
I will submit it next week so can anyone else look at my essay and help me revise it?
When attending xx University, China-- Use capital for name
I became a P.E.
Thank you risingfame
Anyone helps me? I think I should shorten it by 50-100 words because 417 words are not appropriate.
I have revised my essay for the second time. Can someone help me proofread it?
Please don't hesitate to give your feedbacks/comments. Thanks a lot!!!
It is definitely a good essay, but personally I think you should still cut it down a little, maybe 275 to 300 words. It probably isn't that big of a deal, but just to be on the safe side because I'm not sure how strict colleges are on the word limit!
This is what i think about how a 250 words essay should ne:
-Concise and straight to the point
-Lack of space available, therefore try to make the best use of it to show your your strengths and potential (however do not be to ostentatious which will give the wrong idea to the marker).
-Error free since a short essay cannot afford to make obvious mistakes like spelling. Minor mistakes, such as wording mistakes are acceptable though. Use spell checkers to check your essay (e.g : spellchecker.net/spellcheck/)
Overall, I think you had a good essay. However, I personally think you should add more (at least 2 sentences) relating to how your presence will enrich the community of the campus. e.g: sharing experience and knowledge. But since you had put efforts to cut it down so it's your choice. If you do then you can cut short another sentence or 2 about the specific details of the charity. Nonetheless, limit yourself below 300 and you will be fine. Another sentence won't cause much harm. Using a few complex words will greatly improve the quality of your essay as well.
And you could change ' my future school' to The University of Michigan , as it seems more direct.
Thank you so much terrasave !
