Thank you guys im appreciated to all given advice!!!!i'm from Chinaand this is my UC transfer essay.Don't know if it sounds good or bad.
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
I have dreamt about myself in a black suit and high heels standing in front of an international business conference, talking about a new market plan confidently. Since I started selling my drawings to earn extra money in second grade, I knew that my little career had led my interest on the way to business field. However, deciding a major is always a tough consideration. When I was younger, I never knew what a business meant. I asked my mom and she replied, "business is a way people do trade and social network." I did not understand until I joined ASSE exchange program when I was 16.
In the summer camp, students came from all over the world. We were asked to get into different groups and develop a market plan for pizza fundraiser. It was my first time doing fundraising and I started searching information online about how to prepare it. We designed posters, solicited everyone for help, calculated funds and rented a cart to pass out our flyers. It was arduous work, but our group won1st place. I enjoyed the successful excitement this little business plan has brought to me. During the course of this activity, I empathized what a basic business is like and how to create a market plan.
Furthermore, the most important thing I learned is if I want to persist in business field, a exceedingly well-developed network and strong interpersonal skills are very necessary. I am lucky enough to say I am an insightful person and love to share my culture in the process of learning from other cultures. I noticed once you have a comprehensive perspective, communicating with people from different cultures will be much easier. I think this is an important concept that I learned from all the business-like activities in my exchange year. Now with what I have learned, I am confident enough to handle the upcoming bowling fundraising held by the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society acting as the secretary.
To pursue farther in gaining business strategies, I interned at the China Comfort Travel Agency as an assistant of the Customer Service Department, as well as a member of the Taiwan Market Plan team last summer. I experienced the real-life situations and did learn a lot from it. I found myself picking up the phone and answering questions more confidently; and I grasped how important teamwork is when developing a market plan by sharing different ideas and listening to those with more experience. Now when I look back, I finally understand why years ago my mom told me about business-it is not only about money and trade, it includes communication art, diligence, creativities, comprehensive understanding, social networking and generously repaying society.
My aspiration now is clear-to pursue international business, build symbiotic bond between China and the USA and share Chinese culture with the world. I will help people who need help in societies and especially give helpful hand to kids who want to be exchange student-that may shape their dreams by showing their a whole new world, just like me. Now I am questioning myself, "Am I afraid of the risk in business?" I smile, pulling out a pen and a piece of paper and start drawing like the old days. "Art for pennies? That, I will do."
Thanks for all advice that will be given and i really appreciate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to all the advisors: hope ya all have a great Thanksgiving!
Hi
I feel your essay needs to be more formal as it doesnt sound that mature. You need to restructure everything. Moreover there are a lot of grammatical mistakes and thus the essay doesnt hold the treader's interest. for instance instead of the word dream if you use aspiration in some places it will give your essay a lot more depth.
cheers
FJ
Thanks a lot!!! I will take your advice and change it a bit. But can i ask do you like the idea though? I mean the idea i have for this topic?
Thanks !!!
Appreciate it!
what about this new version now?I correct my mistakes and please give feedbacks,thanks :)
Hi I am not sure if my ideas and words are mature enough and please provide me suggestions and corrections. All feedbacks are appreciated! Thanks!
Some thoughts of mine about your essay :)
The first paragraph is where you introduce what your essay will discuss, but I see in its last sentence you only introduced the exchange program. Then, your subsequent work which you mentioned in the middle of the essay would not be highlighted. Also I feel that the sentence about deciding a major did not connect well with the next sentences.
Perhaps you may change this by saying like "When I was younger, I knew nothing about business but what my mom told me... now after I do something business means something more to me that leads to my decision". You'd better make the flow of ideas clearer :)
For the rest of the essay I also think you should make things clearer by rearranging what to say about the exchange program and what to say about your further working.
I think your experiences and your ideas in this essay are very interesting, just how to present them is the problem. I'm not a native either (I know how it feels!), so I just can make some suggestions. Hope the moderators will come and check the details.
Thanks do much for your suggestions!Yeah i know the feeling about being a foreign student:)lol
well, i will take your suggestions by editting the sentence you mentioned above. So what do you think in the first paragraph i say: "I have dreamt about myself in a black suit and high heels standing in front of an international business conference, talking about a new market plan confidently. Since I started selling my drawings to earn extra money in second grade, I knew that my little career had led my interest on the way to business field. However, to seriously grasp the core of my major has been complicated. When I was younger, I asked my mom what business was and she replied, "business is a way people do trade and social network." I had never understood it until I joined ASSE exchange program. ??
How do you like that?
And what about the whole idea of my paper?Do you think it's mature enough to present out?
Thanks a lot for your comments!
Appreciate it!
Happy thanksgiving!
Sounds pretty impressive, but i think it would be better on the last sentence to put "Now I question myself" instead of "Now I am questioning myself". other than that i liked it
Good luck with your applications!
Oh i like your suggestions!! I will take that!Thanks so much and I really appreicate it!!!And thanks for your wishes!!!
I just wonder if you could take a second look at my another paper : essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/amrican-single-host-mom-has-inspired-life-experience-22116/
I don't see people giving me suggestions and i personally like that essay better!
God bless you! Your encouragement has cheered me up!
Happy Thanksgiving!
