Chinese-American + Helping others - as an incoming freshman for Fall 2011

Hi can anybody help edit and give feedback to improve my essay? As long as your comments are honest and can be beneficial in improving my essay, you can be as brutally honest as you want.

Thank you!

Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was surprised when Dad said I had a talent in language. I was not surprised that I had talent, but rather to have someone recognize my passion before I did. But one thing I knew before he did was that I didn't have talent in learning foreign languages. If I had the talent, I believe I would have been able to have straight A's all five years of Spanish, instead of just my first year. I'm also surprised that as I'm growing older, I'm amazed how what he said casually in the past is becoming truer everyday. I get excited when I'm able to make connections with foreign languages to English because it just shows that I do have a passion for it as well as understanding the language itself even more.

So how did I build my interest towards foreign languages? Through listening a myriad of melodies. I purposely use the term "melody" because at age two, you barely know what you are talking about, and even less in deciphering words from other people's mouths that you have to memorize and repeat back-that is if you are really to sing along. At age two, a baby girl would sit in the back of the car with her car seat on, listening to the songs her daddy played when he drove her to preschool. She listened to Chinese and American songs, but mostly Chinese songs. The Chinese music ranged from the nineteen-eighties to present pop music. I was never able to sing along with what my Dad played (for Chinese songs) because I was unfamiliar with the Chinese words and I never paid attention to the words to the song the first place. However through this, it expanded the start of my curiosity in learning how to pronounce and read words in Chinese. Whenever my parents held parties or went to parties that had karaoke, I would always frown because I was never able to sing the Chinese songs that I liked the tune of. This inspired me to want to learn how to read Chinese. Later did I know that this is the first step in my journey of learning foreign languages.

The joy of being able to understand another person's culture and language is wonderful, when I come to think about it. Knowing what another person is saying intuitively, is priceless. And the best part is, I'll be able to speak to the person back in their language as well. I don't want to be a polyglot just so that I can sing foreign language songs anymore; I want to become a polyglot because I know it will come in handy especially as a person who is waiting to travel around the world when she grows up.

prompt 1: the last paragraph is great and deep in thought. The "through music" part is a little bit confusing: You said you build your interest though music, but "never paid attention to the words to the song"? Well, maybe you can elaborate this issue more clearly. All in all, if you can make your former paragraphs mor interesting, I believe this essay would be a masterpiece.

prompt 2:I think this one is better, too. I see your diligence, independence, and concern about others.

Good luck!

Thankyou bepa. here's the revised version. like i said earlier i don't know how to improve or where to start with my corrections. so do you think you can tell me specifically which parts of my paragraphs are uninteresting? which one i should delete and which one i should keep? i'm really clueless. thankyou :)

Every day is 2 words when you use it this way.

Read Strunk and White, a must-read for all language people (i.e. like you and me). Strunk and White say you need a comma in a compound sentence, so do this:

languages to English, because it...

A little mixed up here:
And the best part is, I'll be able to speak to the person back in their language as well.
Do this:
And the best part is, I'll be able to speak back to the person in their language as well.

Alright, this is well written, but it's an example of an essay that I think needs to have the theme COMPOUNDED. That means I think you can add a secondary theme, and give it its own body paragraph. Make it something that supports the thesis statement, obviously. Add "something extra"... another dimension to the essay. You certainly have the ability to do it, so give it a try!

:-)

even though your words are pretty straight-forward and nothing fancy; i'm still confused. what other theme(s) can i mention? examples please? like what direction should i head on to? would you possibly mean being a translator when i grow up? because i don't really plan on having that as my future career. and are these all the grammar mistakes i have?

i'm sorry for being such a dummy, but you're right- i do have the ability to do it - i just need to make sure that every step of the way in my essay is correct and solid (i.e. having my second body paragraph avoiding to answer the prompt).

and i've also noticed: i will take note of you're suggestion of having a second body paragraph, but with what i have plus six words, i would have already reached the max. of 1000 words..

so... do you think you can also help me in deleting what is not as important? i can't distinguish the importance of my paragraphs..