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Chinese background mixed with America and a hint of passion for dance


ionowa 1 / 6  
Oct 26, 2010   #1
Hi I'm trying to apply for UC schools and I'm doing my college essays. I would love to hear critics/comments/feedbacks about it. The more critique the better :)

Essay Prompth #1:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Growing up in an Chinese home where higher education is very highly regarded, I have always struggled meeting my parents expectation. Through out my younger years, my mother had ingrained in me the need to work hard and get good grades. Fun was for after everything was done and that seemed to never happen.

In February 11, 2000 I moved to the US where a new beginning awaited me. It was as if I formed a new chapter in my life, the pages blank and empty, ready to be filled. Everything was different. The air was smog-free, the streets were not littered with garbage and the people were very friendly. I have been blessed with the privilege of going to a public school instead of a private school which gave me the opportunity to express myself without the barriers that school uniforms gave me and experience the diversity of people all the while offers me opportunities to succeed in a friendly environment. The only downside at the time was my beginner-level English. The teacher was talking too fast for me and I could not ask my peers for help because I could not communicate with them. However, I was determined to not let language be a barrier between me and my life. Knowing my mother's struggles to get me to where I am today taught me that by working hard, I can achieve anything. The only factor that was hard for me to accept was the idea of equality. Gender does not seem to matter in this country. I was taught in Indonesia, my native country, that males are the more prevailing gender. Women were expected to listen to their husbands and support the household rather than work. But here, women have the same rights as men. What men could do, women could also do.

The opportunity that I have received by coming to the United States is a blessing. I don't think I would ever be able to live back in Indonesia with the lack of higher education and a different mentality of women in society. Many of the people I know, although they graduated from college, have only become house wives. Not that it's a bad thing but I want a career and be able to provide for my self regardless of my marital status. With that in mind I would never take for granted any opportunity to go to college. I believe with an optimistic outlook toward life coupled with hard work and confidence, I can achieve any goals I put my mind to.

Thinking back, I am able to say that I have progressed over the years and have become a better person. My mom's attitude about education is not mine completely but it has shaped me for the most part.

Essay Prompt #2:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have always had artistic abilities - whether it would be culinary, drawing, or dance- since I was a little girl. Back when I was in Indonesia, I participated in art competitions and beauty pageants every couple of weeks. Throughout the years, I accumulated trophies that my grandmother displayed with pride on the shelves. I took art lessons twice per week to the different technique of coloring and sketching and pageant lessons to perfect the techniques of performing pageants. Although my mother did not think of them as significant, I value those lessons. When my friends are out playing, I would be home finishing an art piece that my teacher assigned to me. I continued showing my artistic abilities through my art class and cooking class in middle school in the US.

It was the beginning of freshman year when my passion for hip hop passion emerged. In eighth grade, I remembered a couple of girls from the high school asking around whether any of us would like to try out for drill team. I was somewhat interested and tried out, but I did not make the cut. One day, I saw a poster for DA, a hip hop team, tryout. I went to the first workshop and I fell in love with hip hop right away. The beat of the music, the moves, the people, I loved every single minute of it. I remembered watching the members practicing for a different piece other than the tryout piece and marveled on how strong they look, how confident they go through the moves, and how happy they seemed. I was so ecstatic when I found out that I had made the team.

Every Monday and Wednesday we would practice for two hours with a five minute water break in between. We have extra practices on Fridays and Saturdays if it is competition season. Most of the time, I come to school with an aching body and bruised knees but these are insignificant compared to the happiness I receive from dance. We were expected to memorize a whole routine in one practice session and practice them until our moves were precise and sharp. I remembered learning a two-step and thinking to myself, "this is impossible!" but in the end, after hours of consistent practice and aching legs, I conquered the step with pride. After six months of consistent practice, we participated in competitions in different schools and performed in pep rallies, fall/spring showcase, back to school nights, and even a DA alumni event.

I was forced to quit in the middle of junior year because my parents were worried about my grades slipping. I was so heartbroken. DA team was my life, my family. Hip hop was my passion and every time I dance, it felt as if nothing else matters. It brought me a satisfaction that I could never receive from anything else.

Although I am no longer a member of DA, I continue to appreciate life for the moments of artistic enrichment and continue to practice and dance during my spare time. Dance is a part of who I am and I will use the confidence and determination that it gave me to go through life with the same enthusiasm that I go through with dance.

P.S. I'm 11 words over the word limit which should be a total of 1000 words. If you can somehow help me condese them, that would be aprreciated. Thank you!
michiez13 1 / 2  
Oct 26, 2010   #2
hey! you're essays are really good I like them alot :]
on the first one i just saw a grammatical error on this sentence: (run-on sentence)

I have been blessed with the privilege of going to a public school instead of a private school which gave me the opportunity to express myself without the barriers that school uniforms gave me and experience the diversity of people all the while offers me opportunities to succeed in a friendly environment.

Maybe you can change it to this:

I have been blessed with the privilege of going to a public school instead of a private school, which gave me the opportunity to express myself without the barriers of school uniforms. All the while, it allowed me to experience the diversity of people and offer me opportunities to succeed in a friendly environment.

Many of the people I know, although they graduated from college, have only become house wives. Not that it's a bad thing but I want a career and be able to provide for my self regardless of my marital status.

you can change it to:

Many of the people I know that have graduated from college there, have been limited in pursuing their career and were only able to become house wives. There is nothing wrong with this lifestyle, but I know that I am capable of pursuing in the career of my choice and be able to provide for myself regardless of my marital status or background.

I am very proud of you I wish you the best of luck as well!
I honestly really like your first essay because it really shows your character and your background and how hard you've work to overcome all your struggles. The second one is good as well it really shows your artistic side

maybe you can take out this sentence: When my friends are out playing, I would be home finishing an art piece that my teacher assigned to me.

great job!
donkeykong98732 /  
Oct 26, 2010   #3
WOW. Very descriptive and specific!

very minute changes I can suggest is:

"I was so ecstatic..."
"I was ecstatic.."
Ecstatic means extremely happy, and by saying you were so extremely happy is just repetitive when you can just say I was extremely happy(ecstatic).

"I have been blessed.."
"I had been blessed.."
Wrong tense throughout that sentence? I don't know if you did that on purpose or if it was just an honest mistake. Either way it's something to consider because you were writing everything in the past tense and you're looking back in the past i'm assuming?

and I agree with the former comment. I'll let you know if I find anything else.. because it's 1:00A.M. and I need to study/sleep! Night!
OP ionowa 1 / 6  
Oct 26, 2010   #4
Thanks! I will make the changes that you guys suggest.

Hahaha thank you. I tried to give details without overpowering the whole concept. It took me around five essays for me to finally like the one that I have now.

And yea haha I was trying to finish the essay ASAP and my grammar just slipped. LOL why would you revise a person's paper at 1AM when you could be sleeping?
OP ionowa 1 / 6  
Oct 27, 2010   #5
Oh and I forgot to mention. I want to be an orthodontist and I'm not sure how to tie up my experience in essay prompt #2 to something with it. Please help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 1, 2010   #6
I want to be an orthodontist and I'm not sure how to tie up my experience in essay prompt #2

I think the key might be to write about what it means for something to be a form of art and what you know about orthodontics that makes it possible to call it an art. Cite some professional journal articles or books!

:-)
OP ionowa 1 / 6  
Nov 9, 2010   #7
OH I didn't think of that! Thank you :D


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