The prompt: The Committee on Admission is interested in getting to know each candidate as well as possible through the application process. The following essay question is designed to demonstrate your writing skills and facilitate our full appreciation of who you are.
The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.
Please be critical to my essay. I would appreciate any help.And I want to know whether the topic fits Rice's requirement. THX
my essay:
If individual student is a carriage, then university must be a monolithic train, a composition of each body. If individual student is a carriage, then the seat, table and luggage rack inside must be each one's life experience. Without those facilities, the train stops operating; without a whole integration, installations are meaningless. Throughout the journey of my carriage, two things measurably molded me: one is Chinese calligraphy, another is running.
Chinese calligraphy was my misunderstood but rightly chosen interest. I could not forget how angry I was when I was first passively brought into calligraphy world. I considered calligraphy an old-fashioned culture initially, a useless tradition in modern society. My frustration and misunderstanding, however, soon faded away when I immersed into the real calligraphy. I noticed that every stroll on the rice paper is a natural force beyond control; every stroll demonstrates focus as well as dedication. It was not so much as writing as a lesson. Every night I wondered how to increase strength in each stroll, how to be self-possessed even the large environment was disturbing. Gradually practicing became a routine just as eating. Every day's training cultivated my art sense, with life fulfilled; every day's training sharply developed my ability, with blood melting into brush and paper. Today, I am able to accomplish several types of calligraphy, ranging from regular script to Li calligraphy. Calligraphy, as an everlasting experience rather than a normal art form, teaches me that tradition still values greatly today, that people should keep their mind concentrated even under clamorous atmosphere. Rice University, a place where academia prospers, needs focused students to contribute their insight and thoughts; besides, I will provide profound calligraphy art to Rice Gallery or its studios and I will spare no effort to show rich and traditional Chinese culture to Rice, which seeks to maintain a diverse community at all levels and "to build bridges whenever essential and dismantle walls wherever necessary."
"Come on, you only get two minutes left; you have finished two-thirds, just insist," I often encourage myself on treadmill. I was not interested in running from the beginning; I chose to run because I wanted to lose weight and built muscle. After several days, however, I found running is more like an inspiring experience than a boring activity. Everyday I run five kilometers. The first few kilometers are light, with little sweat springing. The middle part tests physical strength; as I continued, hearts race at over 200 beats a minute; lactic acid builds to stinging levels in muscles; fragile capillaries burst in the lungs. The last two kilometers are no longer physical ordeal; they test my will. They are kind of force that makes people quit, makes people find any excuse to evade final torment and makes people surrender. But each time I endured the difficulty and reached finish line. Running journey pushed me to a world where will and perseverance say more than anything. Running journey helped me to understand that no matter how rough and unpredictable the front road is, keep advancing. Each time after five-kilometer honing, my heart was teeming with satisfaction-the same satisfaction I felt when I got first place in competitions. College life is a four-year-long trip that demands perseverance. Rice University must be more than normal college. It must require meticulous academic research and a powerful will to maintain passion in learning. A tough runner, I believe I will infuse a never-giving up spirit to the academic life in Rice University. Also a mathematics interested student, I believe I will conquer fractal geometry and vector calculus by transplant running spirit into hard questions.
I am sure that these two items inside my carriage would contribute to the structure of the large train.
I think generally, the essay is really well done. I like the analogy of the train and carriages and I think the difference between the two interests you decided to highlight is significant enough to show a sort of diversity to you and your activities.
Some changes I might make though, the beginning of the essay seems to be grammatically incorrect? I'm not too sure about this.. but shouldn't it be "If an individual student is a carriage, than a university must be a monolithic train; a composition of each body"? That's got me quite puzzled, i'll tell you that.
Overall, I think it's a really good essay definitely worthy of pride. Good job! And good luck!
"to build bridges whenever essential and dismantle walls wherever necessary."
Who said this quote? If you are using MLA style, you should add who the author is in parentheses after the quote.
If individual student is a carriage,then university must be a monolithic train, a composition of each body. If individual student is a carriage, then the seat, table and luggage rack inside must be each one's life experience.
The highlighted sentences don't have a subject. You should add to the red ones, like the person above said 'an,' 'each,' or 'every.' As for the green one, add 'a' or 'the' before university.
Carriage is not very ideal for naming a train car. You should use passenger car, train car, cart, train cart... something more specific.
I could not forget how angry I was when I was first passively brought into calligraphy world.
--> Should be changed for 'I won't' or 'I will never.'
--> Into the world of calligraphy.
thank you so much for correcting my grammar and making overall judgement. Could you please tell me more about the structural problem or does my essay fit rice topic? I would really appreciate that.
I do think aside from a few grammatical errors the essay is pretty neat. The idea is unique and it says a lot about who you are without being too straight-forward.
Good Luck!
Just one suggestion. I think the transition between the second and third paragraph is not so smooth. You should work on that to make the essay flow~
Everything else is good. I did not research into Rice, but according to your essay, you apparently did, and you relate your academic and sporting interests well with your personalities and the qualities of Rice University. Good luck with your school~
thank you guys so much.
Wow that was very good!! I really like your writing style!
Here is my suggestion:
"Come on, you only get two minutes left; you have finished two-thirds, just insistpersist ,"
I don't know if you meant persist instead of insist, but I think the persist makes more sense in this context.
Good Luck with Rice!
I would really appreciate it if you could look at my essay too!
i thought "a normal art form" sounded a little awkward
but good job overall!!! :DD
Its a good topic.Personally I think you should talk more about what you get from learning it.
Good job overall
Good job. I like your analogy. It is very unique and just.
