Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.
Character limit is 2500, please help me phrase it and narrow it down.(Now is 2800 chars)
Honestly, impressing girls is why I started to cook. It works. But it gets serious when I dig in and realize I'm fascinated by this long-standing Chinese culture. Slicing two big bags of tomatoes, I did this for 20 days in a row. That was extremely exhausting as I had to slice them into the same size, which failed, and at the same time not to cut my own fingers. It was 97 degrees without air-conditioner. Basic skills are essential to a good chef, first thing my mater told me. He was a short and sturdy man, but when holding the turner, he moves smooth and natural. Harmony is the principle behind cooking. Fire, time, material and seasoning, I have to perfect every factor to make a good dish. Also, cooking is the most direct way to show affection to my loved. Giving a self-made meal surpasses everything. At home, I started to manage the kitchen. At the Senior Home, grannies smiled more happily when I set the table with the dishes I cooked.
The ideal of traveling alone always attracts me. Helped by my Coordinator, I planned this college-visiting trip. Finding 3 host families in Princeton, Manhattan and Boston, booking all the transportation tickets in the most economical way, packing every necessary into a little backpack, all the preparation was done in a week. By taking 1 shuttle, 2 flights, 3 rides, 4 trains, 15 subways and uncountable miles of walking, I fell in love with the 6 days of solitude. The independence gains me equanimity, offers the chance to consider problems I neglected in my routine life. Staying in the same environment confines me. I always know the best choice, but lack the courage to do it. Now with no acquaintances around, I cut off strings, act with reasons.
Working with my band mates is the best restart point of my high school life back in China. The familiar feel of haste when the concert is approaching brings back all the memories. In the same theatre, holding the same guitar, we sang the same songs with more mature mentality. New guys and a new studio, things are changing. What is unchangeable is our faith in music. One week before the concert, we started to squeeze the time to practice until 10 at night. The air was dark and fresh when we walked out of the studio with hurting throat and fingertips. Though the lights were turned off, we could still feel the drum beat echoing on the campus. The concert was a blast. When I fiddled the strings on the stage, I was immerged in a tranquility to realize that I am back, back in my hometown.
Thank you all. I appreciate all suggestions.
xugx29
Hey,
This is a very good draft to start composing your essay.
I like your point "the reason why I want to be able to cook". It catches the reader's attention. That's what they look for.
Personally, I would eliminate the titles of these three paragraphs.
I would start with " it was 97 degrees...", so you make clear it was summer, and also emphasize on your commitment. It was so hot but you did like to do that.
Afterwards in the second para, you can underline again your quality of being able to travel alone and for a long time, in order to pursue your dream.
College essay writing is about "selling yourself" so, I guess you have to show off a little bit.
Then, you may, once again, stress your commitment --"we started to squeeze the time to practice until 10 at night..", to show readers you were able to use your summer wisely, one more time.
So, you may basically show your good points, through describing your past summers and spring break. I guess it is a wise way to tie up your three paragraphs without going off topic.
Hope this helped =)
have a great day,
Alice
I really appreaciate all your suggestions.
Thank you^___^
I like your essay...and your first essay really taught me a lot...I knew to just show myself in a natural way, no matter Princeton or who would read that...
I have a piece pf advice for the 2nd one. You talked a lot about your "1 shuttle, 2 flights, 3 family rides, 4 trains, 15 subways". But I think they are just facts,numbers. I think what you meditate and what your unique ideas were in this time of solitude might be more touching then these facts...maybe fewer facts, but more you?...just suggestion~~
Thank you for writing this. I understand that you think "myself" is more important in this trip. But my main essay is on this topic, and I think I have already elustrate everything that touches me during that 6 days. But still, thank you.
Here is a way to write the first sentence that does not sound as awkward:
Honestly, the reason I started learning to cook was to impress girls.
Do you like it that way?
I also think twenty looks nicer than 20.
The familiar feelings of haste and anticipation when the concert is approaching brings back all the memories.
EF_Kevin
Thank you for your suggestions.
But use 20 rather than twenty saved up 4 more chars. haha.
Oh, maybe that is an important consideration! It is not that important to use words instead of numbers; I recommend it as a matter of style.
