After showing some of my friends my first essay, some said that it wasn't really good. So I decided to rewrite it, but I don't know if this really answers the questions. Any comments or suggestions are very much appreciated. Thank you!
I am Chinese. I am Filipino. I am Canadian. I am a pure Chinese born and raised in the Philippines who recently migrated to Canada. I am a mix of all three cultures, and this mix has shaped my characteristics, influenced my personality and made me who I am.
I am Chinese. I am hardworking, I am persevering, I am determined. Throughout my life, I was taught to always focus on my studies and exert all my effort on it. My parents valued high grades and held Mathematics in a very high regard. I will be working until the last minute, and I may randomly talk about Math stuff. Until I reach what I want to reach, until I achieve what I want to achieve, I will not quit. Even if the odds are against me, I won't give up.
I am Filipino. I am hospitable, I am funny, I am patient. On the first day we meet, I will welcome you with warm hands. Even if I have never met you before, I will treat you like how I treat all my other friends. I may be shy at first, but that will not hinder me from showing you who I am. I love to tell jokes and make people laugh. I am approachable - I can listen all day to what you have to say and won't find it a bother. You can ask me all you want and I will answer all your questions, as long as I could, without ever getting annoyed.
I am Canadian. I am relaxed, I am fun, I am friendly. Despite the amount of work we will have to complete throughout our college life, I find time to do what I enjoy doing. We can have a fun shoot if we both need something to distress ourselves with; or we could talk all night long about literally anything. I talk a lot, but I can still keep quiet if you need me to, especially if you get annoyed with my chatter or you are busy doing some work. But I really will try my best not to bore you. Every moment we spend together will definitely be memorable. I make friends easily and can start conversations with anyone. I am sure we will be good friends.
I am all three. I am the fruit of all three cultures. I am me.
i like the parallel structure, but its a bit aggressive for my tastes, you want to be inviting towards the person you will be spending the next year with. Don't you?
its definitely interesting, but i would somehow make it warmer
I do enjoy the creative parallelism and sentence breaks. But after the second paragraph the effect may become negative (especially for a college admissions officer who's read over 1000 essays). Just a suggestion though...
return the favor
i dont think its a good idea to write about yourself with racial stereotypes
I agree with daisyx3. Be careful before you submit that.
I also agree with the others. You need to be careful. It is STANFORD afterall.
Although I do like your username. Lol
THIS is perhaps the worst thing u can do on an essay. Please PLEASE pLEASE change the way you wrote this. talk to ur roommate as if he/she was here like a normal human being.
It probably not a good idea to base your essay off of stereotypes. I think you can use the essay, but maybe change the words "Chinese," "Filipino," and "Canadian," to "Driven," "Open,"... you get the idea.
And don't say that you're shy. That isn't going to help you.
I like the structure of your essay, although I agree it could be a little less aggressive. It has lots of potential of becoming amazing.
I like the parallelism, and I really like how you express your love of culture. However, I would agree with other posters that you are racially stereotyping. The writing is good, but not Stanford material. I'd probably be a little more stylistic in general and change the ending -- it's a bit cliche.
Other than you, you have set a fine foundation. Good luck!
I can already see your loveliness in this essay. But I also agree with daisyx3.
Wish you luck.