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"a Chinese girl playing on a volleyball team" - Stanford: Intellectual Virtality

bbish520 8 / 30  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
Please help!! I'm really not a good essay writter so I am seeking help to better my essay. So here it goes:

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

As I was walking up the stairs I notice three guys standing by the door to the movies theater. Because at the time Forbidden Kingdom - a kung fu movie starring Jet Li and Jackie Chan - was premiering, many people have just come out of seeing it. As I walk passed the three guys I suddenly hear them making fun of the Chinese language. I was horrified. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I turn back my head to see if I heard right and indeed I have; I saw them laughing to each other as if they had make a joke about something. I have accepted that I may be different to them because of my physical appearance considering that I live in Puerto Rico but still there was no need for it, no need for them to make fun of my language. I am from another culture and I don't see or hear myself making fun of their language.

I really believe in the saying: "Don't judge a book by its cover." Because physical appearance isn't important then it shouldn't matter if one is white, black, etc. Race is just the background where the person comes from; it doesn't really tell us how the person is.

If here and now people are behaving this way - treating others differently because of their race - then what are we telling our next generation through these acts. How can we hope for our next generation to get along no matter the race or ethics that they may have?

bigbajo 3 / 5  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
Im not sure it fits the prompt.
It doesnt answer how this is intellectually engaging to me.
djkang 1 / 6  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
Perhaps if you went more in depth with your answer, it would answer the prompt better. As of yet your answer is rather short - I believe the character max is 1800? If you discuss more the concept of race, nations, ethnicity or culture, and how artificial it is, or perhaps explore the roots of racism, this would make far more sense as an intellectually simulating essay. As it is I have to agree with bigbajo - it doesn't really discuss an intellectual idea.
OP bbish520 8 / 30  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
Please see if I can make any more changes to fit th prompt
zengrz 5 / 103  
Dec 29, 2010   #5

I think the idea of your essay is great, but your are trying to get to ambitious by talking about two experiences all in this short essay. My suggestion is focus on only one of the experience and explore your inner feeling. I know it is hard to put any one of these down, but it is a choice that all of us have to make sometime.

G L~
OP bbish520 8 / 30  
Dec 29, 2010   #6
Taken into the suggestion of writing on one experience I change some things. Please critics! Thanks!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 13, 2011   #7
As I was walking up the stairs I notice

Change to "noticed," so the verb tense will be consistent.

This essay is great. Take heart! Those guys making fun of the language are nevertheless very impressed by the culture, as evidenced by their decision to watch a martial arts movie!


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