Essay prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
===I wrote this essay for Yale supplement and I know it's crude and unrefined. I hope to receive any suggestion possible. Thanks in advance!!
Last summer, I was chosen as a volunteer of the 1st Chinese Bridge Chinese Proficiency Competition For Foreign High School Students to accompany and guide the Russian delegate. It was not just a 10-day competition. It was a time for the entire world to observe and experience the power of diversity.
Contestants from all over the world demonstrated their fluency in Chinese language, their comprehensive knowledge of the Chinese history and tradition, and their cordial love of the Chinese culture. My Russian friends successfully acted out the play Journey To the West, one of the four greatest works in Chinese literature; the U.S contestants combined traditional Chinese allegro with hip-hop in their performance; Contestants from Singapore wrote Chinese songs of their own; and the Malian contestants did their traditional dance with Chinese music. When I asked one of the English contestants about their attitude toward Chinese culture, he replied zealously: "Oh well, we love it, and it is awesome when to share our experiences with you--------it's like talking with an interesting friend."
When my Russian friends were practicing their speech, they showed great desire to look more "Chinese". They asked me questions related to the tone and pauses of their speech and how to make a bow after they finished. I was impressed by their passion and love for the Chinese culture. Once I was frustrated because Li Bo, one of my Russian friends, cannot understand my words in Chinese. Then I tried to talk to him in English, which he is better at. But he requested me to be patient and tried as hard as he could to understand my words, and told me that only when he had conquered such problems, can he improve on his Chinese. I was deeply moved and became more devoted to my job as a teacher.
Just as this worldwide competition brought about great changes in our perception of cultural diversity, I believe a Chinese student like me can also make a difference in Yale University. As a passionate young man, I have always wanted to be a world peace ambassador. I feel shocked at the miserable situations in regions of war. The World should be a place where everybody lived harmoniously without conflicts. I want to travel around the world when I grow up to propagandize the ceasing of war. With my determination, I will help the poor and fight against evil, and make contributions to creating a better world. I want to join the big family of Yalies, experience the collegial, laid-back atmosphere. Right there, I shall take a step closer towards my dream.
Being a volunteer promoted my sense of responsibility; communicating with people from all over the world shaped my understanding of diversity; and all the challenges in my life pushed me to the hardest. I shall seek common ground for humanity while reserving the minor differences, and in the future, try my hardest unite the world as one.
"Oh, well, we love it, and it..."
I added a comma above...
Well, I would not call it "crude," because you write very clearly in a refreshing, straightforward way.
However, this does not seem to have been written at a time when you were feeling inspired. Your first sentence probably should not be one that explains the event; instead, the first sentence of the essay should express an interesting, creative idea.
What creative idea should you express? To find out, read your essay over again while keeping your career interests in mind. See what unique and interesting insight arises for you.
Don't capitalize "world" here: The World should be a place where... actually, that sentence is a statement of the obvious. It might not be good to say "The world should be a place where people live harmoniously"; instead, it would be good to give a deeper insight that you have had about it.
It is necessary to muster inspiration. Ah, I see that you did start to become inspired at the end. See, it takes a while to let the inspiration well up in you. Now read the essay over again and write a new first paragraph -- one that talks about concepts and interesting ideas about diversity. You might want to read some inspirational literature before you begin, like this: beginningwithi.com/oped/culture.htm
(hegemony refers to a group that is dominant and uses is dominance to keep the advantage).
Then, tell the story about your experience as a way of illustrating that thoughtful idea from the introduction. At the end, reflect on the original thoughtful idea about diversity, and maybe make a connection between it and your aspirations for college.
Thanks for the suggestions. I found them really useful and I made a revision according to them, mainly on the beginning part and the ending part.
Here it is again:
No one should underestimate the power of culture. When strangers meet, they either fall into conflict for the variations in their conceptions of morality, or resonate with each other because of the cultural bond between them. I conprehended the latter in last summer when I was chosen as a volunteer of the 1st Chinese Bridge Chinese Proficiency Competition for foreign high school students to accompany and guide the Russian delegate. It was a time that the entire world to be united as one, and this cultural exchange express promoted freedom of thought, innovation and creativity.
Contestants from all over the world demonstrated their fluency in Chinese language, their comprehensive knowledge of the Chinese history and tradition, and their cordial love of the Chinese culture. My Russian friends successfully acted out the play Journey To the West, one of the four greatest works in Chinese literature; the U.S contestants combined traditional Chinese allegro with hip-hop in their performance; Contestants from Singapore wrote Chinese songs of their own; and the Malian contestants did their traditional dance with Chinese music. I was entranced by the culture feast before my eyes, marveling at the diversity of the show when different cultures are integrated. I had expected the shows to be awkward and strange, but they turned out to be fancy and elegant instead, giving me a feeling of déjŕ vu. When I asked one of the contestants about his attitude toward Chinese culture, he replied zealously: "Oh, well, I love it, and it is awesome to share our experiences with you--------it's like talking with a familiar stranger."
When my Russian friends were practicing their speech, they showed great desire to look more "Chinese". They asked me questions related to the tone and pauses of their speech and how to make a bow after they finished. I was impressed by their passion and love for the Chinese culture. Once I was frustrated because Li Bo, one of my Russian friends, cannot understand my words in Chinese. Then I tried to talk to him in English, which he is better at. But he requested me to be patient and tried as hard as he could to understand my words, and told me that only when he had conquered such problems, can he improve on his Chinese. I was deeply moved and became more devoted to my job as a teacher.
Just as this competition brightened the road of cultural reunion, I believe a Chinese student like me can also make a difference in Yale University. I have always wanted to be a world peace ambassador. I aim to seek common ground for humanity. The Chinese Bridge strengthened my belief that if we open our mind to accept our differences and reinforce our understanding of each other, and if we try to seek the cultural bond between us and use the diversity to generate more power, we can undoubtedly unite the world as one. I want to join the big family of Yalies, experience the collegial atmosphere, learn to take responsibilities, and enhance my knowledge and skill. In Yale, I shall take a step closer towards my dream.
