This is the first paragraph of the essay I have so far. The perspective I want to show is my ability adapt to different cultures. I want to show that by writing about the differences between Chinese and Taiwanese culture and how they influence my life. But, I have a serious case of writer's block. Can you help me develop it a bit more. Or at least give me an idea of what the heck I'm supposed to write about?
Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?
I'm not the next Albert Einstein. I'm not the next Van Gough. I don't have Ella Fitzgerald's amazing voice. I'm not a genius of a century, not an actress that would make Death weep, and I'm not an Olympic gold medalist. I'm not a spectacular superstar. I guess you could say I'm normal
I have two parents and one younger brother. I have messy shoulder length black hair and big brown eyes. I go to, in my personal opinion, one of the greatest schools, Bronx High School of Science. I take my schoolwork seriously, perhaps too seriously but I still want to achieve more. I fight with my brother over every little thing from who gets the last dumpling to "Why can't you go outside yourself?" I snack a lot like every teen does but its generally Chinese snacks which always has people asking "What's that?" I'm painfully shy and will do anything to avoid speaking in public. I talk to my mother about her past in China and what it was like to live during Communist China. I enjoy eating her great Cantonese dishes, tong sui and turnip cakes. I love my normal life for its balance, its peacefulness and its simplicity. At times I wish I my life could be like a Einstein's, Monroe's, Da Vinci's or even Shakespeare's. But I'm a normal high school girl, well not quite.
I'm able type at 54 wpm. I can sing Kim Ah Joong's "Byul" slightly off key. I'm in love with Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and currently claim the title as his #1 fan. I can say hello and goodbye in 10 different languages with a horrible accent. I lost to a guy in basketball by one point (I could've won but he was much taller than I). I cooked only ten times in my entire life and have burned the kitchen 8 times and smashed 25 plates in the process. I survived public elementary school, middle school, and will probably get out of high school barely alive. I'm a fruit fanatic and eat everything from apples to guavas about 6 times a day. I'm half Taiwanese and half Cantonese and no one can ever tell. I've been to four countries in my entire lifetime but seventy in my dreams. I was only one of the few to get above a 90 on my US History term paper, which was a miracle considering my writing skills. I'm a part time procrastinator. I've been compared to Zhang ZiYi, but I'm pretty sure that was just to fish for compliments. But, I'm still not a genius of the century. My GPA is ~93 and mental math is impossible for me. I'm still not an actress that can make Death weep. I've tried acting once in front of a large crowd and almost passed out. I'm still not an Olympic Gold Medalist. I can't touch my toes for the love of my life. And I'm still not the next Lincoln, Monroe, Einstein, Teresa or Van Gogh. I'm still not a superstar. I'm still what most would consider ordinary.
Rice is ranked #17 in the US, is a Southern Ivy and is very prestigious. The students who attend Rice are former class presidents, valedictorians, great athletes, the next Einstien, Shakespeare, Teresa and President of the US. They are superstars, the norm, whereas ordinary is abnormal. The perspective that I can bring to Rice is a feeling of inspiration and hope that an ordinary person can be at Rice and do just as well as the superstar students. People will always find themselves longing for something familiar and down to earth, like me. I can prove to others that you don't have to stress yourself out to be at the top to go to Rice, just be yourself. I don't think being ordinary is as bad as society make it to be. I still stand out, just not as much. I have my personal quirks and my mini accomplishments, but I'm still ordinary. I've chosen to live a simple life so far and I don't regret it. But, I do have the rest of my life ahead of me to become more than just ordinary. And perhaps if I ever graduate from Rice, I might just be one of those superstars.
I am concerned that your response does not answer the prompt (or at least it is not very clear to me). What are you trying to convey to colleges? Are you trying to say that you will bring your knowledge of Chinese culture to Rice? Or that you will bring your perspective about how different China and Taiwan are? You write well, but I just don't think that this is the best example to illustrate your point.
I want to show that I can embrace different cultures by using the fact that I'm able to adapt to the different cultures from China and Taiwan. I don't know whether or not I can come up with any other examples that I can expand on for 2-3 pages. I'm naturally a horrible writer and essays are my mortal enemy.
OK, that's a good starting point. Now, the prompt asks for persectives you will BRING to the school, but you wrote about how you DONT understand Cantoese and how disconnect you were from the people in Guangzhou. In fact, you were using madrin while shopping in Guangzhou rather than making an effort to speak canto. So from what I have read, I'm not getting the message that you are embracing or adapting to other cultures.
I changed the first paragraph. (Just for the record I did attempt to speak in Cantonese, I just failed miserably, so I'm not lying). I also added the first body paragraph of my essay (Not quite finished). The comparisons between Southern China/ Cantonese and Taiwan will take place in the 2nd one, which I haven't made. But, so far is the grammar correct, is it interesting and does it show the specific cultural elements of Southern China? I'm a bit concerned as to how the introduction fit into the whole essay. Does it make sense/go with the flow or should I scrap it?
"Can you repeat that again?" This was the third salesperson who had uttered that aggravating phrase again, in Cantonese. "Sure," I smiled meekly as I repeated my question slowly to him in my broken Cantonese. Shopping in Guangzhou had so far been a pain. It seemed I was the only person who couldn't speak Cantonese in that packed mall.
You see, despite having a mother from Guangzhou, I couldn't speak a single word of Cantonese. Instead, I took after my Taiwanese father and spoke in Mandarin. Although I often identify myself as Chinese, as an individual I'm not. Instead...
Well, I still don't think this is strong enough, because you made me feel that
1 you don't like Cantonese and Cantonese people
2 you try to sound like you do just because you need to write this essay.
3 you took it for granted that Chinese-Taiwanese communication is cross-cultural communication, but for Americans, they are basically the same thing. Like, some dude from Alaska complaining about the cultural barrier he encounter talking with a girl from LA.
In fact, being caught between China and Taiwan is very advantagous for writing an essay.
If I were you, I would try to write an essay trying to find what is the real China, which is the real preserver of Chinese culture.(I wanted to write it, but I am too "Chinese" for that.)
The essay about writing about how to find the real China is a bit too difficult for me. I don't see how that topic would be able to show what "perspective" I'm able to bring to Rice. Also, my writing skills are pretty much nonexistent. More often than not, I need a model to base my writing off of. So, writing something from the soul/heart its extremely difficult for me. Do you think you could tell me what I should do to not make it that sound like I don't like Cantonese (I do like them) and that I'm doing it for the essay? Or can you help me modify the topic so it can be easier for me to write about?
I like the concept of it, but it's not really working, in my opinion. It seems like you're kind of putting yourself down in the beginning. I mean, you don't know what you will become in the future, you'll probably surprise yourself. Maybe if you cut your rant of "I'll never be" statements down to three maximum and then start talking about your normal-ness in the intro, it would be better. I actually like that it starts off with "I'm not the next Albert Einstein.", but from there it kind of went downhill fast and you spelled "van Gogh" wrong, jsyk.
I like the second paragraph, because it has a lot of personality to it. "Public" shouldn't be in all caps. "Only" four countries? Four is a lot, as far as I'm concerned, cut out "only". Cut out the bit about the teacher who graded your paper; you do not talk bad about school people in your essays because your essays will be read by other school people.
Maybe if you talked more about your normality and what it means to you in general, just to give the essay more focus.
Hope I helped :)
P.S. READ MINE PLEASE. i could really use some feedback..
Okay I cut down the I'm not part and added a paragraph about being normal and what it could bring to rice. Does it work better? Are there any cuts that you can suggest or grammar corrections?
