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"Chinese values and the Chilean community" - world you come from


j1ngye 2 / 4  
Nov 17, 2010   #1
Hi everybody . i really need people to read my essay and tell me how can i improve it .
Please HELP !

Prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The worlds that I come from are totally different between them. To me, I have two worlds: one world is my family that taught me some important Chinese values, and the other one is the Chilean community which I live in. Thanks to my both worlds, I relentlessly believes that "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" .

...

This is the correction of my essay

I live within two totally different and separate worlds. The first is my life with my family and the second is my reality outside of the house living a foreign country. My life as part of the family has taught me important Chinese value and culture. Life within the Chilean community in which I live has taught me to be courageous in front of a hard situation. Thanks to both of these realities, I am who I am today.

I lived in China until the age of ten. Throughout my childhood in China, my family taught me never to give up, but it took me time to fully understand the meaning of perseverance. Growing up, my father was a clear example of this value. While he was working for a European company, he got the chance to travel throughout Europe. On one occasion he had the opportunity to visit his boss's home in France. The house was in the outskirts of a big city, yet still had features of the countryside. My father's boss planted roses in his country home during his spare time. After this visit, my father became fascinated with such style of life and dreamed he would one day live in a similar place. As a result of this, my family later immigrated to Chile and now my home is full of roses just as my father had dreamed years before. This event strengthened my belief that if I work hard, I will be able to persevere and accomplish my dreams.

My life in Chile has really shown that courage is one of the most crucial attributes that one can have in life. For me, Chile was a new and strange world. Everybody spoke Spanish, a language I did not know at all. Though a difficult situation, I knew that if I did not interact with other people, then I would not have any friends and my life would be miserable. So I decided to take my first big step- to attempt to speak the language. At the beginning I found it really difficult. Sometimes I had to use hand gestures and my classmates did not understand me, however I never gave up. When I failed to pronounce some words, I maintained my courage and tried again and again until I could finally say them well. Three months after my arrival, I was able to communicate with people and started to make new friends. Taking the initiative to learn Spanish really opened a new door in my life. I began to learn about the Chilean culture and lifestyle. I gained a strong self-confidence and conviction that the world is nothing to be scared of if one has the courage and the perseverance to face it.

The values that my two worlds gave me were courage and the will to persevere. These same values helped me to learn English when I was in eleventh grade. I want to educate myself and be a person that will be useful to this world. I think the perfect place to provide me what I need is the USA- the country with the best higher education in the world. An education in the United States is the missing ingredient that I need to become a 'master of my fate' and a 'captain of my soul'.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 17, 2010   #2
The worlds that I come from are totally different between themto each other . To me, I have two worlds: one world is my family that taught me some important Chinese values, and the other one is the Chilean community which I live in. Thanks to my both these worlds, I relentlesslystrongly believes that "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" (this idea is not very clear to me. Are you saying that you developed enormous self-confidence??? or something else?) .

My suggestion for the first two ideas of this para;

I come from two worlds that differ vastly from one another. The first world is my family which taught me important Chinese values and the other world is the Chilean community, in which I grew and continue to live.
OP j1ngye 2 / 4  
Nov 17, 2010   #3
yes ! what i want to say is that i have a strong self determination . because the development of my essay is about perseverance and courageous .
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 20, 2010   #4
I live within two totally different and separate worlds. The first is my life with my family and the second is my reality outside of the house living a foreign country. (strong idea, good) My life as part of the family has taught me important Chinese values and traditions of Chinese culture. Life within the Chilean community in which I live has taught me to be courageous in front of a hard situation. Thanks to both of these realities, I am who I am today . (Since the reader does not know you at this point, it is too abstract when you say" I am who I am today". Therefore, I feel it is better if you be a bit more descriptive about yourself for example, say you have very self confident or ??????)

I lived in China until the age of ten. Throughout my childhood in China, my family taught me never to give up, but it took me time to fully understand the meaning of perseverance. Growing up, my father was a clearthe best example offor this value virtue . While he was working for a European company, he got the chance to travel throughout Europe. On one occasion he had the opportunity to visit his boss's home in France. The house was in the outskirts of a big city, yet still had features of the countryside. My father's boss planted roses in his country home during his spare time. After this visit, my father became fascinated with such style of life and dreamed he would one day live in a similar place. As a result of this, my family later immigratedmigrated to Chile and now my home is full of roses just aswhere my father was able to makehaddreamed years before his dream a reality. (I feel your explanation about the father's dream is too detailed and it would be more appealing to the reader if it is shortened a bit) This event strengthened my beliefmade me believe that if I work hard, I will be able to persevere and accomplish my dreams.

My life in Chile has really shown that courage is one of the most crucial attributes that one can have in life. For me, Chile was a new and strange world. Everybody spoke Spanish, a language I did not know at all. Though a difficult situationit was tough , I knew that if I did not interact with other people, then I would not have any friends and my life would be miserable. So I decided to take my first big step- to attempt to speak the language. At the beginning I found it really difficult. Sometimes I had to use hand gestures (I feel you can use the word body-language) and my classmates did not understand me, however I never gave up. When I failed to pronounce some words, I maintained my courage and tried again and again until I could finally say them wellpronounce them as perfect as others do . Three months after my arrival, I was able to communicate with people comfortably and started tobegan makeing new friends. Taking the initiative to learn Spanish really opened a new door in my life. (This is a very good sentence with a strong idea, I like it) I began to learn about the Chilean culture and lifestyle. I gained a strong self-confidence and conviction that the world is nothing to be scared of if one has the courage and the perseverance and courage to face itchallenges .

The values that my two worlds gave me were courage and the will to persevere. These same values helped me to learn English when I was in eleventh grade. I want to educate myself and be a person thatwho will be usefulworthy to this world. I think the perfect place tothat could provide me what I need is the USA- the country withthat offers the best higher education services in the world. An education in the United States is the missing ingredient that I need to become a 'master of my fate' and a 'captain of my soul'. (I feel this last sentence is not really conveying your message. Improve it a bit more. )

Good luck with your application!!!
OP j1ngye 2 / 4  
Nov 24, 2010   #5
thanks you very much for the feedback :)


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