"Do you have chocolate?" College App Work Experience Essay

It was the seventh door of the night. I still hadn't sold any and the ice cream was starting to melt. My

time was running out.

I rang the doorbell and put on a brave face. "Hello I'm Si Yuan. Would you like to have some
delightful Evergreen ice cream?" Simple, short and sweet. I have rehearsed this six times earlier.
This will be my lucky number seven.

My façade vaporized as the door swung open and a heavily tattooed grizzly of a man appeared
with a grimace. I stole an apprehensive glance at my icebox; the laws of thermodynamics were not
reversing anytime soon.

With a quavering voice and uneasy smile I rushed through my pitch. There was no way anyone could
have bought into that! With a pounding heart I waited for the eventual-

"Do you have chocolate?"

My ice cream continues to melt as I ring the doorbell, showing you what I have in my icebox and
anticipate an acceptance letter in March.

Cheerios :)

What are you trying to convey here? That your job taught you that grizzly old guys with tattoos like ice cream too? That you are responsible and have held a steady job successfully even when nervous? That you know the laws of thermodynamics?

The essay is much too short, and doesn't say anything about you as a person. It reads as a description and doesn't help the admissions officers get to know you at all. Furthermore, your mentioned expectation about a letter will probably actually hurt you - people don't like being told what to do, and the admissions officers are no different.

What is the topic of this essay? I don't know what you are trying to answer

Hello, this was supposed to be the 1000 characters Describe your extracurricular activity or a work experience essay.

I was trying to draw parellels between one of my work experiences and the current college application process..

Thanks for the feedback so far!