So this my first draft and i'm pretty set on it right now. May need lots correction in a lot of areas, but I kind of like how it looks. However, be as harsh as you may want. My future is worth more than my feelings about my essay right now haha. Please if you can give any advice and revise anything it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
UC PROMPT #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I believe an community does not directly relate to where a person lives, but is made up of events that happen around him. Sometimes the events may lead to choices that are for the better and must be done. There is a quote that summarizes this quite well - "There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." -Denis Waitley
My parents moved from South Korea to America to birth me here for a good start in education and for me to have as many oppurtunities to suceed as i can possibly get. In my early childhood my family and I had lived in a one bedroom one bath room trailer in a mobile home park. My mom was a very hard worker pulling 16 hour shifts and my dad was working equally as hard in his studies. We lived in a state of poverty, but that did not stop us from being a happy family.
However the year 1996, when I was about 4 years old, was year my life would change forever. That year was the year my dad had gotten his acceptance letter to UCLA. The letter of acceptance was what my dad had been waiting for after all his hard work. However due to the extreme distance from where we had lived to UCLA, my mom disapproved of him going so far for school and wished for him to stay with her so he can help raise me. My dad loved my mom and I very much, but in spite of my mom's plead my dad chose to look towards "our" future and chose his goal of being a p.h.D graduate. For reasons still unknown to me today, my parents had divorced the following day. My dad told us he still loved my mom and I and that he was doing this for "us" and soon after he was headed off to UCLA to later transfer to USC Medical School. My mom and I still talk to my dad from time to time and I can honestly say I am a proud son of a UCLA undergrad and a USC Medical School graduate.
During the years of my dads absense after the divorce, my mom's dedication and hard work into raising me to become a healthy well-rounded person was what put my mental state into a whole another level. Not seeing my mom due to constant double shifts circulating around three jobs put me into a state not of lonliness or depression, but a state of courage and determination. My mom was not able to afford a baby sitter and was then forced to teach me on how to become responsible and it was soon that I discovered to be a quick and effiecent learner. I learned and did what I had to do at home alone when my mom had to work and was successful in doing well in classes at school at the same time. My mom and I were and still are very proud of each other.
From the moment my infant mind was able to comprehend my parents effort to raise me into a healthy well rounded and educated man, I promised myself I would try my best to become as succesful as I can and repay them for all the hard work that they have put into me.
Austin Kim
I really like the story overall. However the two body paragraphs are a bit unclear. They don't really say much. You should give more details and be more concrete.
Greetings! You gave a really good story, but there are a few issues with your essay. Firstly, there are a lot of grammar and spelling errors. I'm not going to spend my time pointing all of them out because the moderator does a much better job than I can do. Secondly you should be more descriptive about how you felt, what you went through etc. You sound like a very interesting person so just try to express yourself to the reader.
Good luck.
I believe an a community does not...
My parents moved from South Korea to America to birth me here for a good start in education and for me to have as many oppurtunities opportunities to succeed as i can could possibly get...
...disapproved of him going so far for school and wished for him to stay with her so he can could help raise me. My dad loved my mom and I very much, but in spite of my mom's pleading my dad chose to look towards "our" future and chose his goal of being a p.h.D graduate...
During the years of my dad' s absence after the divorce, my mom's dedication and...
... was what put my mental state into a whole another new level. Not seeing my mom due to constant double shifts circulating around three jobs put me into a state not of loneliness or depression, but a state of courage and determination.
At the end of the essay, it would be good to give a few sentences about your plan for success.
:-)
As a fellow senior, I feel obliged to lend a hand:
I believe an community does not directly relate to where a person lives, but is made up of events that happen around him. Sometimes the events may lead to choices that are for the better or for the worse, you mean? and must be done. There is a quote that summarizes this quite well - "There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." -Denis Waitley I am concerned you just said the same thing twice - and the second time, it wasn't even you speaking! ...Perhaps not a good thing?
My parents moved from South Korea to America to birth me here forgive me should be fine a good start in education and for me"to xxx me" - Parallelism to have as many opportunities to succeed as i can possibly get. In my early childhood my family and I had lived in a one bedroom, one bathroom trailer in a mobile home park. My mom was a very hard worker pulling sixteen hour shifts and my dad was working equally as hard in his studiesstudying equally as hard. We lived in a state of poverty, but that did not stop us from being a happy family.
However in the year 1996, when I was about 4 years old, was year my life would change forevermy life changed for everAvoids passive voice .
...
That's all for now - its getting late where I live. Good luck with your essay!
Wow! Thank you guys so much for your inputs! I'll be sure to revise and post up my new essay to see if the changes see fit.
