Hi all, I am new on this website and need some feedback on my essay/s, for two different schools.
Thank you in advance
Choose one of your community, employment, or extracurricular, experiences and describe why it has been especially significant to you
Although my interest in medicine was conceived during my childhood, I have attained a greater familiarity with this profession through my recent volunteer experience at the New York Eye and Ear Infirmary (NYEEI). My volunteer experience played an important formative role when it came to my professional aspirations and plans for the future. However, it also affected me from a moral standpoint.
Along with my growing interest in medicine, I learnt an array of important lessons about basic human virtues. My volunteer experience gave me a greater sense of responsibility. I attained this quality by working with other volunteers to ensure a secure and comfortable environment for the patients. These tasks involved helping patients wake up in the recovery room, giving blankets and food to the patients, and delivering blood and urine specimens to the laboratory. Moreover, I had to change my outlook and perspective in order to fulfill the needs of the patients. I realized that the patients should be given the most concern and that my supervisors establish my role with my patients. Additionally, in order to ease the process of recovery for the patients, I had to become more attentive. My assignments had to be carried out in an expeditious manner. Thus, I had to become more organized and efficient in my work. As I eased back to my academic and extracurricular activities, I was pleased to find that the skills needed to carry out tasks in the hospital are very useful when employed in other areas as well.
My volunteer experience also allowed me to gain a detailed insight on the nature of the medical profession. While I worked in the recovery room, aside from making beds and fetching instruments, I conversed with doctors about the procedures that they performed. Soon enough, my enthusiasm to learn became apparent to some of the doctors from the OR. As a result, in my second week of work, I was invited by several doctors to observe some procedures. These procedures were thyroidectomy, retina surgery, eye muscle surgery. As I saw these operations, I became aware of the composure, intelligence, and skill that were needed to fix health problems when an individual's wellbeing is directly at stake. I was further amazed at the level complexity of technology that was utilized in the procedures. I saw many tools such as drills and scalpels that were used to root out ailments that posed risks to the health of the patients. In addition, I was awed by the doctors' familiarity with technology as they equally resorted to instruments and their knowledge of medicine to improve the condition of the patients. In the radiology department, I watched as recently-removed thyroid glands were inspected with the utmost carefulness to detect the presence of cancerous tumors, and I suddenly became engrossed in the microscopic realm of proteins and cells. This was an invigorating experience as it reminded me of my biology class at Bronx Science where I was first introduced to those microscopic wonders. While the class helped spark my interest, the summer experience brought this all to life.
My observations led to many questions regarding health and medicine, as well as my future in those fields. I spoke with many doctors about their choices and their careers. There was Dr. Lee who pursued engineering at first but then made the switch to become a surgeon. He taught me about the complex nature of the medical field, introducing me in detail its many aspects and different fields to pursue. Dr. Campolattaro informed me about the dedication and perseverance that are absolutely necessary in order to survive and succeed through nearly a decade of school and residency to attain the ultimate goal of becoming a doctor.
Although I know that my understanding of the medical field is far from complete, I would like to pursue the medical field because it emphasizes the virtues that I embrace: responsibility, collaboration, composure, and natural talent. I am also aware of the scientific knowledge that is required to become a doctor and gaining this knowledge is a challenge I am eager to face.
And the second one:
Please share your current influences and interest for pursuing medicine
It would be difficult to pinpoint a single influence for my desire to pursue medicine. Rather, it is a mixture of experiences and occurrences that can effectively describe my drive to become a doctor. I began to evince this enthusiasm in elementary school and since then my interest has been kindled by my growing eagerness to understand the medical field and the nature of its practitioners.
The day when I made my firm resolve to become a doctor still lingers in my memory. Mr. D. was teaching me and my fellow 5th graders about human anatomy. While most students were bracing themselves for another mundane lecture, I simply could not contain my appreciation for this subject. As Mr. D spoke about the organs, capillaries, veins, cells, and bones that comprise a living human being, I was awed at the dependence of the body's organs on one another to ensure a healthy human being; if the brain lost circulation, then death would follow within seconds, and if the capillaries were dysfunctional then the heart and lungs would perish. I immediately took to my science books and I engaged in active study of anatomy as I marveled at the complexity of the human body's biological systems. However, I did not feel complacent because in every chapter about a specific biological system, there were pages dedicated to ailments and diseases that posed threats to the specific system. This information conveyed to me that the body was very fragile and susceptible to harm by cancers, diseases, and other maladies. The delicate nature of the human body struck a chord in me because the fragility threatened its stability. Thus my appreciation for the intricacy the body's internal workings compelled to learn about the preservation of the overall health of the human body. I wanted dedicate my future to actively combating and eliminating illnesses that posed risks to a healthy body. And then it dawned on me that there is only one feasible way to achieve my goal: I have to become a doctor not to only help, but to ultimately cure.
As I entered my teenage years, I began to engage in activities that gave me more than academic enlightenment. I enrolled in the famous Bronx High School of Science to take my enthusiasm for medicine to the next level. Not only did I learn from some of the best science teachers in the city, but I conducted research and lab investigations which required me to dissect frogs, mix chemical solutions, and explore microscopic structures. I built my own marine ecosystem (in a bottle) and I had to ensure that my fishes survive for as long as possible. Activities such as these forced me to take meticulous notes and fix issues that posed threats to the success of my experiments. My teachers continuously taught me to mind details and I found this helpful when I had to dissect a lamb heart and determine the location of its atriums, ventricles, and aorta. As my high-school years went by, my reasoning abilities and appreciation for detail became enhanced.
Soon enough it became apparent to me that it was time to take the next step towards my goal: I had to have a firsthand experience (in the medical field) under my belt. Fortunately, my mother and my aunt work as nurses at the New York Eye and Ear Infirmary and Beth Israel Hospital (respectively). They were able to arrange for me to visit their hospitals and preside over several operations. As the doctors fixed health issues through surgery, I realized that they were changing lives in the process whether the patients could breathe better, see better, hear better, or live longer. For me, the type of the surgery didn't matter because I know that regardless of the field I will pursue, I know that it will involve turning things around (for the better) for the patients.
I feel that becoming a doctor is something I am destined to accomplish. My appreciation for overall health, love of science, and first-hand experiences render me properly equipped to realize my passion of saving lives.
Thank you again for your time and feedback
My volunteer experience also enabled me to gain...
You write very well, very clearly, and it flows along. I wonder if you could make some parts more powerful by saying the same things with fewer words.
As I saw these operations, I was struck by the composure, intelligence, and...
Although I know that my understanding of the medical field is far from complete, I would like to pursue the medical field because it emphasizes... Maybe add one more sentence to this last paragraph...
In the second essay, I think it would be better if you got rid of the whole first paragraph. I think it will create a more poignant experience for the reader if it starts with that first sentence of paragraph 2.
:)
