This is my Common App Essay.It's around 500 words.Feedback would be appreciated.
"I choose to worship empathy."
Up until the moment I reached my 17th year of life, I've always had an attitude of distant hostility towards society and the world in general ; I have often felt disappointed and disillusioned by the world's falsity and indifference.For a bookish, introverted girl who prefers solitude to the company of others and who often expresses strong opinions with passionate conviction,I have felt shunned by society ,but have also done my fair share of shunning.When "they" deemed my insecurities, beliefs or passions as "odd" or to my fury, even "abnormal" ,I considered it betrayal of the highest order and refused to give explanations.
Part of that mindset is still part of my character now, the one that prizes individuality above all else and who strongly believes in personal revelation.Yet,there was another darker part to that particular take on the world and that involves its extreme arrogance.The idea that the world should be doing your bidding, that your passions, likes and dislikes ought to somehow inform how the others act, and that your sorrows are yours alone in a world which, you think, refuses to or simply cannot understand, is fundamentally a recipe for depression.
I came to realize this liberating truth when I first read David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon College in 2005.In it,he speaks articulately about the difficulty most human beings have to acknowledge the world around them,to escape their own immediate reality and observe the world.He explains how hard it is for all of us,to consider others' perspectives,their lives and their realities as we go through everyday life.We're hard-wired,he argues,to think of everything that happens around us to be about us.Thus,we become slaves of our respective minds,choosing to worship our own personal realities.The goal of a true liberal arts education,Wallace says,is to teach its students not simply how to think,but what to think.In a world populated by millions,in communities made up of thousands ,it's easy to lose sense of what cold,hard,true realities surround your own cold,hard and very true reality.The key to living a fulfilling life is,as I think Wallace is arguing, to imagine the hardships,joys ,and trivialities of other human beings you encounter, to accept their existence at all, and to understand how they matter just as much as yours. This is the only way you won't fall into a pit of terrible self-involvement where the world and its inhabitants will naturally feel alien,horrible or even disgusting and thus not worthy of your care or attention.
"You decide what to worship" , Wallace says.The ability to imagine how the other is feeling,to try to understand the sheer complexity of his/her reality is called empathy. .I realized that if I wanted to have any semblance of happiness or contentment in my life or if I wished to lead any sort of ethical, sincere lifestyle I would first have to let the world in.The space the other occupies in the world is not to be abhorred or thought of,as I often tended to do,as an obstacle.They are not an abstract concept,as I initially designed them to be when I put them between inverted commas;on the contrary, they are the reality I should be paying attention to,but also,and this was a revelation to me,a reality which deserves my attention.They constitute the solid truth of my world and seeking to understand this world,I choose to worship the beautiful but laborious gift of empathy.
Very good, but you might want to consider these revisions:
For a bookish, introverted girl who prefers solitude to the company of others and who often expresses strong opinions with passionate conviction,I have felt shunned by society ,but have also done my fair share of shunning.
Part of that mindset is still part of my character now, the one that prizes individuality above all else and who strongly believes in personal revelation.
The idea that the world should be doing your bidding, that your passions, likes and dislikes ought to somehow inform how the others act, and that your sorrows are yours alone in a world which, you think, refuses to or simply cannot understand, is fundamentally a recipe for depression.
In it,he speaks articulately about the difficulty most human beings have to acknowledge the world around them,to escape their own immediate reality and observe the world. - take out, "in it,"
The key to living a fulfilling life is,as I think Wallace is arguing, to imagine the hardships,joys ,and trivialities of other human beings you encounter, to accept their existence at all, and to understand how they matter just as much as yours. - be sure to put quotations around what he says.
They are not an abstract concept,as I initially designed them to be when I put them between inverted commas;on the contrary, they are the reality I should be paying attention to,but also,and this was a revelation to me,a reality which deserves my attention. - stop using semicolons. not very formal
They constitute the solid truth of my world and seeking to understand this world,I choose to worship the beautiful but laborious gift of empathy.
- All of the above are run-ons!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put a period after your first sentence not a semicolon.
write out all of your contractions: wont to will not, don't to do not ect.
don't start paragraphs off with quotes
He explains how hard it is for all of us,to consider others' perspectives,their lives and their realities as we go through everyday life. - take the comma after us out and put on after their lives
I realized that if I wanted to have any semblance of happiness or contentment in my life or if I wished to lead any sort of ethical, sincere lifestyle I would first have to let the world in. - comma after lifestyle
Thanks a million!
"They constitute the solid truth of my world.Seeking to understand this world,I choose to worship the beautiful but laborious gift of empathy."
How's that one above for a revision of the last part?I have a knack to write very long sentences.
Also,what do you think of it as a whole,content and length wise?
