Ok sorry, my last post wasn't my last. This is like a last minute thing when i decided to apply for William and Mary since I might get in, so what the heck. The prompt was to write about anything I want so the admission may have a sense of who i am. I rushed the essay under an hour since the deadline is coming up, there will be a lot of grammar error so if you don't mind, please tear this essay apart.
Oh, and I need to cut ~90 words
Sweat gushed down from both sides of my cheeks. Like a rattle snake preying upon a delicious mouse that runs across the field, I stared intensely at the final piece of chicken on the plate two feet away. My arm relaxed and was ready to finish the war I had started. My opponent shot me the deadly gaze, yet still did not avert his concentration from our mutual target. On three, my hand swept across the table and aimed for the prize. Within a fraction of a second, the chopsticks tucked between my fingers snatched the chicken wing from my opponent. I won. Just like my father always said, I can become a ninja if I can increase the accuracy of my chopsticks skill.
While other children my age around the world learning how to talk or sucking on their milk bottles, here I was, learning how to eat rice with two sticks. "Don't be like those Western kids who only use forks and knives," "barbaric utensils" as my father used to describe. Whenever my instinct told me to use my left hand to control the two awkward pieces of wood, it always followed up with a smack across my head (there goes some of my brain cells). My father would think of every possible food that existed for me to practice on: rice, noodles, or even chicken soup. Thank God water did not enter his mind.
Chopsticks are not always used for elegant purposes. Vietnamese nannies have two ways to torture children. One, locking those poor kids in a room to listen to Cải Lương played at maximum volume- the worst kind of music that sounded like a broken violin and shrieked like a drowning fish. Two, chasing the kids with a "personalized" chopstick that is almost as long as a coconut tree. Usually I tried to be brave and prefer the latter while preparing myself with some hard cover books in my pants. However, the result always ended with the nanny racing to the kitchen and pull out a bigger "sword", only this time, the courageous soldier was down to his diaper.
Sometimes I wish knowing how to use chopsticks could take me to college or at least refill my penny jar, otherwise, all the pain I suffered through all these years would be for nothing. Watching my "Americanized" nephew struggle to hold the sticks together was like watching my nanny play football, too horrific to watch yet too hysterical to look away. I assured him that with enough practice, he can start a business catching flies with those tools.
My lifelong lesson: give an Asian kid a fork is like declare him a death sentence (his father would make sure it happens). Oh, and never try to understand the lame instructions on one of those Chinese takeout chopstick covers.
Hi, I don't want to be a pain, but I need help criticizing this essay. Deadline coming up and I am having a panic attack o.O. Here's the newest version, it meet the word limit so you don't have to worry about that.
First thing, never use brackets. I read, it I think it's cute and very original. The only thing is I don't know how this relates to you as a person. Yes, chopsticks are a part of most Asian culture, but how does that relate to you as a person? Does using chopsticks bring you closer to your Asian roots or has learning how to use chopsticks taught you patience or dedication? I don't think you should change your essay too much, because I do like it, but less humour and just make it a bit more personal. Good luck!
Oh wow. It's funny:). I read the rattlesnake line and I was hooked.
I agree with the not using brackets idea, I'd prefer semicolons and the like.
'...the worst kind of music that sounded like a broken violin and shrieked like a drowning fish': the grammar's a bit off, an alternative I thought of was '...; heralded as the worst kind of music, it sounds like a cross between a broken violin and the shrieking of a drowning fish.'- By the way, can fish drown? Just saying:P Maybe you want to say 'a fish in air'?
And I also think that, since the prompt says 'just make us laugh', this works well:). I like it a lot.
Thank you for your comments :).
Do you think this is a terrible and cheesy title for this cheesy essay: "The Chronic Frolic and the Tale of Chopsticks"?
Ok, it does sound horrible...
Oh my. You probably can do better than that.:) It isn't TERRIBLE, but...
haha amazing! it was pretty funny...there are some minor grammatical errors that people here have pointed out, but i really couldn't find anything new to say..overall its a good piece.
if you can provide me some feedbacks for my WM essay (the revised one), i would greatly appreciate it
^^ Thank you very much :). I will take a look at your essay. Ok, I decided the title would be
"The Chronic Tale of Chopsticks and the Nanny".
hey Tan Vi
Sorry but i think "The Chronic Frolic and the Tale of Chopsticks" sounds much much better than "The Chronic Tale of Chopsticks and the Nanny".
i think the latter one sounds a lot more forced. so if i were the author, i would definitely go with the first one
cheers!!
I'm actually a little confused. Yeah, it was a fun read, but it didn't really tell me to much about you.
Here's what I got from you essay:
1) Your dad is a mean Vietnamese man who would rather you be tortured by a nanny that have you not know how to use chopsticks.
2) You think that the instructions on Chinese takeout things don't work. (Which, by the way, they do...)
3) Your nephew can't use chopsticks correctly. So fie upon your older sibling for letting your father's grandchild handle chopsticks incorrectly.
Basically, I think you focus too much on chopsticks and too much on yourself...
The first and last paragraphs don't make too much sense, and what was the "Chromic Frolic?" I don't get it. I mean, sure it sounds clever, but it doesn't apply...unless I'm incredibly dense and just don't see it.
Just my two cents :3 Hope it helped.
...and being Chinese, I found the last para a bit offensive. Might consider changing the wording.
Well, this answer to mynameisrena
Well, this IS a supplement essay. Sorry that I did not included that in the title. So basically the adcom want me to write about anything-- "We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude."
I did write a lot of other things about me in my common app essays, so this simply something off the chain of me ranting of how much I deserve to go to that college.
Well consider you are an Asian as well so you might understand that Asian tradition is the priority of most Asian homes, so this piece more or less an exaggeration to convey my culture (and no, my dad is the nicest man you can ever meet)
The nanny part is true though. Vietnamese nannies (and others) are paid to discipline kids which including some "violence", so in the eyes of the kids, they are mean and evil (which they are btw XD)
Oh, and since this piece not suppose to be serious, so the title doesn't need to be taken serious either (sorry, i am really suck at coming up with a title). Chronic Frolic basically what it sound like "never-ending amusement/joke"
I'm sorry that you found the last part offensive. I wrote that in order to emphasize the fact that a lot of Asian born in America had lost their traditional culture, they heavily influenced by other thing (including on "how to use chopsticks on Chinese takeout covers"). But yes, they do work, so I think I will take out the word "lame".
I hope that clear up some of the misunderstanding and thank you for taking your precious time to read. Have a good day :) (I just saw the lunar eclipse)
