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"Christmas time seaon" - UF eassy- how family rough time has shaped me..


UFhopeful 1 / 1  
Aug 31, 2010   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I used to squeal with excitement when I heard the sound of holiday jingles on the radio. I used to smile every time I saw the sight of colorful Christmas lights illuminate the night. This innocent childhood joy was stolen from me when I was 13 years old. It was Christmas Eve when my father told me the reason my mother was not helping us trim the tree was because she thought he was cheating on her. I knew my daddy would never do such a thing. He would never do that to my mom or my brother and I. Well, you can imagine how un-merry my Christmas was when he confessed it was true.

My father's scandal was the beginning of a roller coaster that changed my life. It wasn't long before the broken trust built the most horrifying scenes I have ever seen in my home. The perfectionist I am, I did not want to seem weak. I bottled up my emotions, and it wasn't until I was sixteen that I was finally able to put my pride aside and release the memories that haunted me for so long. By releasing these demons, I realized how much I had gained from these haunting events.

Early on in the drama, I learned to be like my mother; I learned to forgive. This was not before I developed the mental strength to do so. Nothing compared to the hurt and betrayal I felt by my father, therefore when other obstacles presented themselves, I possessed strength to deal with them. The struggle I had getting over the hurt, made me driven to not disappoint anyone; I did not want anyone to experience the pain I had. I became determined in my academics, relationships and hobbies to excel and not let anyone down. I gained integrity; I did not want to follow in my father's footsteps of dishonesty, because I knew the consequences all to well. I gained awareness because I had felt ignorant that I had not known about his mistress. I also was humbled when I shared my story with others; I learned that I was not the only one with secrets or issues. Lastly, I grew to be a more patient and tolerant person by waiting for my family to go back to normal.

Thanks to the strengths this experience gave me, Christmas time is now a joyous season again. These valuable characteristics have helped me persevere through life's many other challenges as well. I know they will continue to do so when I am a student at the University of Florida. My emotional strength, patience and awareness will guide me through my classes and studying. My ability to forgive and my integrity will help me in my relationships within the campus community. My determination to succeed will help me become nothing less than successful.
williams11743 1 / 2  
Sep 1, 2010   #2
Your second and third sentences start with the exact same three words... "I used to."
You might try reworking the sentence structure a bit or rewording the phrasing on one or the other so as to not become redundant.
Maybe change one of them to, "I would..."

If you take the first to words from every sentence and look at them in order, there should never be sentences in a row that begin with the same few words. It helps add variety to your paper and keeps it from getting monotonous.

Personally, I might stay away from using semicolons, but that is more my personal preference.

Other than that, keep up the good work. That's a great start.
Cruzicus 1 / 2  
Sep 1, 2010   #3
I enjoyed your essay, it had a flow and you had variety in your style. I would just like to make the suggestion of maybe "fusing" some of the sentences. It felt a bit choppy in the beginning and I thought it flowed better towards the end, but thats just my opinion. Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 2, 2010   #4
Great use of the word un-merry!

He would never do that to my mom or my brother and me .

The struggle I had experienced while getting over the hurt (no comma necessary here) made me driven to not disappoint anyone; I did not want anyone to experience the pain I had.

This essay is so interesting! I hope the AO reader appreciates it as much as I did. Often, when people do not have a clear theme, I tell them it is important to end the first para with a thesis statement. In this essay, I think that is not so important. I think this essay is just about perfect the way it is. Very interesting and written in a clever way...
OP UFhopeful 1 / 1  
Sep 6, 2010   #5
thank you all so much!


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