Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

Christmas vacation- significant experience you have faced+ its impact on you (Depaul)


stefg 1 / -  
Nov 14, 2011   #1
Please write an essay (250 words minimum) Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Hi everyone! Can you please read the essay and tell me any suggestions about what can I add or take out, and the grammar, too. I would really appreciate your feedback and your opinions.

One day, my life changed unexpectedly. What I thought was a Christmas vacation suddenly turned into a new life. All the
plans I had back in Mexico were gone. I had to start from the beginning with a new culture, new people, and most importantly a new language. It has been five and a half years since I started this new adventure. For the first four years I thought of myself in terms of my returning to a place what I truly called home. One day I woke up and realize that I couldn't hold on to my past and I needed to start my future here in this country. That day I knew I had to appreciate what my parents, with great effort, did for my siblings and me. I always try to challenge myself to prove that I can't always do better whether it is a better grade or run for a longer period of time. I want my family to be proud of their first member to go to college. I want to demonstrate to them that it was worth the sacrifices they had to make. This past years has been difficult, but thanks to the support of my family, I've kept a positive attitude in becoming a successful person. My main goal in life is to be a knowledgeable versatile Latin woman. I know that in order to achieve my goal I need to work hard, and I will not give up until I've accomplished it.
Wytkewicz27 1 / 4  
Nov 18, 2011   #2
Personally i would explain how you got to be in that situation and if you have a requirement of 250 words Minimum you can afford to add explination and my english teacher told me that the word "it" is evil so i always try and rearrange my sentences so that they don't include "it" good luck
hyperione 5 / 11  
Nov 18, 2011   #3
i think you have to describe better your feelings and your solitude, the experiences that bring you to feel a different person and an outsider in your new country. why you for 4 long years had the feeling of stay away from home. say if your family stay with u in this country or if they are far away. Describe the fear for the unknown, the feeling of solitude, like everything of your past life disappeared, like suddenly you become an adult, like doesn't exist no one who loves you in this new life. no friends, no parents no one can help you and that can sustain you. everything is dark, nothing is like in your childhood. yes now you're an adult, you have to learn to live.

kss kss
collegebound15 4 / 7  
Nov 18, 2011   #4
For the first four years I thought of myself in terms of my returning to a place what I truly called home. <-- This sentence is very confusing.

This past years has been difficult <-- These past few years have been difficult.

I would add more to how the changed was hard, explain an exact day during your move that impacted you or something to really show the reader your feelings toward the situation. I really hate when English teachers say this but " show don't tell"
naomiyeahnaomi 3 / 3  
Nov 18, 2011   #5
Try and be a little more descriptive in the beginning, like explain the situation more clearly because im not actually sure whats going on


Home / Undergraduate / Christmas vacation- significant experience you have faced+ its impact on you (Depaul)