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'church has been the apple of my eye' MIT: How has your world shaped your dreams?

cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Ka-ching it is exactly 250 wds...Please give comments, criticism, on this :) Helps very much, thanks all

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Growing up, church has been the apple of my eye, my home of cultural traditions adapted to American life and Christianity, and my favorite house full of friends that I could feel comfortable around and share my thoughts about life with. It is where the family outside my family is, and is full of people whose desire to proactively help out the community is a lever that raises my own goals and standards for myself. Being part of church means being dedicated to a group, even when there are no teachers to make sure I carry through with responsibilities, and no grades coming in to determine pass or fail, and only my character is on the line. The relationships I have at church are a blessing that has taught me to care about and respect others.

My dreams are shaped by this lesson I learned from church to keep persevering toward positive goals despite the fact that, as I grow older, there will be fewer people to make sure I stay on track, assume responsibilities, and just work hard. This is why I follow my dream to be an electrical engineer even though the major is difficult and the competition will be tough. The rewards will reflect my perseverance. While I dream to pursue career goals that are my own, I desire to be successful so that I can also repay my family and church with my own time and resources, all the while still growing in the Christian faith.
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
Talking about church is really risky. Granted, you focused on the community aspect more. Still, admissions officers may think you are narrow minded. I would probably avoid this topic if at all possible. Please read mine (chemistry one) if you can. Thanks!
OP cupnoodle123 15 / 52  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
:) Thanks guys...Yeah Ithink I might change the topic of what I write...Do you guys think that would be better?

Sure Karissa I will take a look at that
articuno 1 / 16  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
Well to be specific, the whole problem with the fact that you're telling and not showing in this one is because there isn't development from experience prior. But then again, that may be because it has always been present :o While I do think the topic could work by throwing in some kind of revelation due to church, I agree that an alternative topic could have more options you could branch to.

(You pointed something out in an essay of mine and I've made a revision -- mind taking a look and offering your thoughts? ^^)
zkachmer 5 / 11  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
Maybe discuss a different aspect of your community too, and talk about how the church and say...your school experience... complement each other while also offering different perspectives.

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