Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

My Church --- Dartmouth Supplement Essay (Help me and I'll help you)


Oryx97 5 / 7  
Dec 25, 2013   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (250 words max)
Revise, please. Also, my essay is 253 words; how can I shorten it?

As a MundoDeFe volunteer teacher and dance choreographer, I have a responsibility, a duty, and a bond; a sort of voluntary obligation upon my church's kids.

Every Sunday my uncle drives me to MundoDeFe, my church and family. I am welcomed by Chui, by Blanca, by my compatriots. Together, we organize the children's room and pray. As the children start coming, Blanca and I prepare our dance team with motivational words. Then, we walk on stage, and suddenly an omnipresent joy flutters as we dance in coordination with songs. There is something special in this. A contagious ecstasy.

When the last song has finished, Chui dismisses the children to their bible classes. Twelve fourth-grade kids come hopping towards me and Dania, a teacher too, as we take them to a smaller room. There, Dania and I teach them the lesson of the week with songs, puppets, videos, and coloring smiles. The kids are more than just children to me; they are my motivation to keep going. They ask me questions like "what is high school like?" "Do you think I can keep going?" They tell me their problems, their goals, theirs doubts, in hopes that I as a more "experienced person" can help them. When I answer, or rather respond within my limit capabilities, I comprehend how far I've come, regardless of my ups and downs.

I will remain a leader to my twelve students, a role model, so one day they will follow my example. That day, I will be very proud.

iloveyogurt 9 / 17 5  
Dec 26, 2013   #2
Hi!

I really like your essay. It's personal and somehow I can really imagine you :) I really like the second paragraph especially; I feel it's more descriptive. Also, I actually think that you can just end with this sentence " When I answer, or rather respond within my limit capabilities, I comprehend how far I've come, regardless of my ups and downs." The one following that doesn't feel necessary.

A little typo:
my limited capabilities


Home / Undergraduate / My Church --- Dartmouth Supplement Essay (Help me and I'll help you)