A one-week holiday arrived again with Hari Raya Aidilfitri. For the citizens who live in Negeri Sembilan, A'famosa Resort was undeniably one of the must-go resorts for the non-Malays who did not 'balik kampung' or truly celebrate the Aidilfitri celebration. As one of the creatures created by the almighty, merciful and gracious Lord, humans are designed to love the other created things too. So, do you love animals? Yes, I believe that every believer does. And that's why the visitors did not hesitate to purchase the tickets for the entrance to A'famosa Resort ï to watch the performances put up by the lovely animals. While enjoying the animal performance with your dear family, do you ever think of what are behind the scenes of these agile and skillful animals playing with fire and the friendly trainers feeding the animals when they did a great job?
The exalted Lord has given the animals souls and passion. And the hunters perfectly use these gifts from God to fulfill their endless material desire. First of all, the hunters will go to the jungles to seek for the animals. To ease the catching process after targeting an animal, the hunters will first kill the target's parents to make it feel dispossessed and homeless. This makes the forest where the animals live to have no more sense of belonging to them. Then, the hunters will sell the caught animals to the circuses or resorts. Since then, they will have no more possibility to go home again and will be slaved until death or abandonment arrives. Perhaps, death is the only extrication as the last gift from God for these breathing dolls.
Don't doubt that the trainer was smiling at you! But do you know what cruel methods the wolves in sheep's clothes use to coerce the animals to listen to what they say? Whips, Iron hooks, electric batons and rough ropes are the common weapons for the knavishly smiling trainers to make the animals show what you want to watch. Also, hunger is always an exposed secret used by the trainers to control and punish the animals. The pain of Jesus' crucifixion is repeated hundreds of times in the circuses every day; the only difference is that Jesus Christ gets billions of believers after one crucifixion, and they get nothing more than the next most-common meal and the next abuse. Don't doubt, the trainer was smiling at you.
As the end of the performance, an elephant stably walked across the stage on a big inflated ball. This well-performed show won the deafening screams and the applause of satisfaction and cheer. You did enjoy a wonderful moment with your family. You laughed and smiled because you were watching a show where the animals were reduced to the money-making tools. You were sanctifying and endorsing an evil deed. You were violating the moral principles set by the Lord, which are, loving and caring the animals. Moreover, you were satisfying your desire on the others' pain. A ticket for an animal performance brings you happiness, but the excruciation the animals endure is ten times of the joy you get.
So please stop watching animal performances as they are just the derivatives of the sick human civilization. They deviate from the kindness of humans that the compassionate Lord gives. It is a cruel joke of teasing real lives. If you still feel happy watching the bears riding bikes after reading this article, the remnants of humanity are dead in this hypocritically lovely world.
P.S.: This article is/ should be written in British English. I used some foreign languages to make this essay more localized. 'Hari Raya Aidilfitri' is the New Year for the Malays (a minor Islamic ethnic in Southeast Asia), 'balik kampung' means 'return to the villages' and 'A'famosa' is the name of a resort. This is my first time posting article on this site, if this article is written badly, I apologize. Thanks and may God bless!
I bolded the things I changed in your essay! (I am an AP English student with a 35 in english on the ACT, so I know my stuff a little bit:) )
A one-week holiday arrived again with Hari Raya Aidilfitri. For the citizens (delete: who live) in Negeri Sembilan, A'famosa Resort was undeniably one of the go-to resorts for the non-Malays who did not 'balik kampung' (< balik kampung? Someone who doesn't know what that is would probably be confused...I am) or truly celebrate the Aidilfitri celebration. Being created by the (delete: almighty,) merciful and gracious Lord, humans are designed to love other creations by the Almighty. (delete: So, do you love animals? NOTE: never use second-person in a formal essay!)(delete: Yes, I believe that every believer does.)Because of this, I believe that those of true faith love all animals. And that's why the visitors did not hesitate to purchase the tickets for the entrance to A'famosa Resort ï to watch the performances put up by the lovely animals. While enjoying the animal performance with your dear family, do you ever think of what are behind the scenes of these agile and skillful animals playing with fire and the friendly trainers feeding the animals when they did a great job?
-Things I noticed throughout the entire essay:
--I loved your use of faith in the essay. Clearly it's something of importance to you, which is great to express in any sort of writing. We do our best writing on topics we're passionate about!
--Repetition of simple words
--Use of weak adjectives/verbs (big, laughed, smiled, walked)
--Weak & uncessary descriptions (wonderful, "and cheer")
--NEVER use "you" in a formal essay; Reword to be third or first person
--Don't begin the last paragraph with "So"; just delete it.
Best of luck to you and please return feedback on my thread on my Common App! Thank you!!
