Any comments/suggestions/revisions? Please&thank you! It's due on Monday, so I am in dire need of any feedback!
Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?
City of Brotherly Love
Red-faced and short of breath, William falls on the floor at times during his seizures. Such seizures cause much worry among the volunteers from the KLEMA ministry of the Open Door Presbyterian Church. William is a student who has autism and is my buddy of the KLEMA ministry. ODPC had set apart a special ministry for the people who are disabled in my church called KLEMA, which I am lucky to have been a part of for the past 4 years. The KLEMA ministry of the ODPC is one that seeks to embrace those with disabilities and provide special family outreach programs to the disabled community. My experience while serving in KLEMA has changed my views on those who are disabled. Before, I had thought that people with disabilities were of no importance and I realized I could not have been more wrong. In this loveless society, peoples' perceptions of others with disabilities are superficial, judging them only by their behavior or physical features, but such perceptions are misguided and I wish to make a difference within society by changing such perceptions.
My deep interest in Biology stemmed from my time of service in the KLEMA ministry. The various neurological disorders, ranging from partial epilepsy to mental retardation, I have seen during my service have inspired me to study neuroscience and become a pediatric neurosurgeon. I see myself taking biology classes such as the "Introduction to Brain and Behavior" class taught by Professors Javier Medina and Isabel Muzzio and the "Molecular and Cellular Neurobiology" class taught by Professors Ted Abel, Marc Schmidt, and Lee Peachey. I can implement the knowledge gathered from such classes to aid me in my aspirations of becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon. From the acclaimed staff at UPENN to the equally notable classes offered, the College of Arts and Sciences at UPENN is the perfect school for me.
There are also various extracurricular activities that correlate to my interests. "Active Minds" or "The Biological Basis of Behavior" are just some of the few organizations I would like to be a part of because they not only correlate to my interest in Neuroscience, but also to my aspirations of reaching out to people and raising awareness of those who lead lives filled with social hardships because of their neurological disorders. In such organizations, I would work to the best of my abilities to truly help them blossom to their fullest potentials. I aspire to truly raise awareness for people with disabilities and show others that what makes us humans is not the outer appearance or behavior, but the heart and determination to succeed in life with or without disabilities in these organizations.
Philadelphia is not just the home of the University of Pennsylvania, but home to the many people in the city, including people with disabilities. An estimated 21.6% of the civilian noninstitutionalized population in Philadelphia are disabled, but many people do not care for such statistics, much less the disabled people. What can I do to change this society so that people will start caring for others? I believe I can find that answer in the city of brotherly love.
Great essay!
1. In the beginning, I would spell out what KLEMA stands for. And if you can, a quick phrase/sentence of what KLEMA ministry aims to do (their goal, what they do, etc.)
2. In the 2nd paragraph, it sounds like you are telling the admissions officers that "UPenn has these classes. They're great!" But they already know they have these great classes. Try to make the focus back to you and your love of UPenn, rather than on UPenn, if you know what I mean. I would say "I see myself in the biology classes such as "Introduction to..."" instead of saying "UPenn offers these classes. Aim to make it special/personal, instead of just listing of courses. :)
3. In the third paragraph, I would take out the "Although there are...Pennsylvania" phrase and just start the paragraph with "There are also various..." And instead of saying "activities such as..are just some of the few organizations I would like to be a part of" show not tell that you'd like to be a part of them. Why would you like to be a part of them? And what would you do? What do you see yourself doing in those activities? So it'd turn into something like "I aspire to do _____ in "Active Minds" etc."
Great essay! You are very focused and it's evident you have a passion. :)
Best of luck!!
I am doing a essay for temple needs to be due monday too lol...
I think you should spell out the #4. I think you should also speel out the disorder and the organization that you were in .
What can I do to change this society so that people will start caring for others? I believe I can find that answer in the city of brotherly love.
I aspire to truly raise awareness for people with disabilities, and show others that what makes us humans is not the outer appearance or behavior, but the heart, and determination to succeed in life with or without disabilities in these organizations.( This whole sentence needs to be revised I have suggestions but am not sure about the punctuation. you need a semicolon somewhere in her I am not sure but you have to compound sentences everywhere. I like what you are trying to say. I am not a professional just trying to help But I love your intro best of luck.)
What can I do to change society, so people will start caring for others? I believe I can find that answer in the city of brotherly love.
