Please critique and help me fix my grammar mistakes in this huge mess of an essay.
Please please please...
I don't know what to make of it. THank you guys so much!
This was the topic of my choice.
Student Decisions in The City in a Cloud
Rain. The drops of water that falls seemingly effortlessly from the sky Sometimes it is heavy, it has so many drops that it feels like monotonous river is being poured out from the sky and falling on my thin black umbrella. Sometimes it is slow, just small droplets spread wide apart. It can cause a flood after intense rain which can shatter not only a small village in Mexico but the strategically designed skyscrapers of Chicago. Rain can also help give birth to a new existences; it provides plants with their food, acts as the ultimate cleanser of impurities, and is essential to humans and other life.
That day was much like any other. It began as a sweet morning of clichés as the chirps of birds and the dainty flashes of butterflies dotted the bright freshly cut grass. I did not see the simple beauty; instead, I was getting ready for another tedious trip to the city that I accompanied my parents. As our sturdy 1995 Toyota Camry rolled down the street, I prepared myself for the cumbersome two hours by plugging my ears with the brazen hip-hop sounds. Soon, my eyelids became more and more affected by gravity and finally, they closed, satisfied.
Water balloons. Were they being thrown at the car? My heavy eyes opened and I blinked once. Once again. The blurs of grays and cacophonous crashes of waves and torrents did not clear up. I realized the sun had hid itself behind the thick mattress of clouds and the balloons being thrown at my window was the harrowing rain falling and breaking like thin sheets of glass on the car.
Mindlessly, I looked at the window. The drops of water were thrown on the top left corner and each pearl of liquid cascaded slowly down the window. Sometimes the drop joined with another and escalated down towards the end where my line of vision ended. Every so often a raindrop just slowed down and stopped. Other times it just steadily flowed down alone.
Perhaps it is banal to compare myself to this multitude of little senseless molecules but as the light reflected and I saw my eyes staring back at me from the window I could relate to them in more ways than one. Like the drops on the window, sometimes I work better alone or with other people, but the end, that line on the window where the drops all disappeared to, will always be the same. My goal is to make this unknown into something meaningful.
Rain is formed from the water vapor that has gathered in the clouds. As they fall, there is no telling where they will land or how they will fall. Perhaps they will be part of a light tappity tap tap that creates a double rainbow over Central Park, a thankful splattering over a long lasting drought in East Africa, or maybe even a devastating hurricane from the Atlantic. The raindrops all come from the same traveling clouds but land in such diverse places and have different consequences. Some of the rain will hit the ground and soak into the dirt. Others will run back into the ocean, rivers and lakes. Then the cycle will repeat again; the water will evaporate, fill up the clouds and rain will form again.
In a way, I am very much like these raindrops. The rain has seen so much of the world in varying ways. As someone who has been to more than 16 different countries and 9 different schools, including public, parochial, private, international, and boarding, I have interacted with different cultures, ethnicities, and races; after some time, I have learned to develop my own self- identity, without conforming to stereotypes because of my wide view of human nature, but also accept and appreciate the perspectives of other people.
The decisions I make a student, a community partner, a leader, and ultimately as a person have an effect on my life and the lives of the future generations. I have the ability to change society for the better or worse. This means I do not only contribute to the 'greater good' but also small measures of happiness that gives someone something to smile about
The car trip ended like the many others; the storm ended and eventually we returned home under the cover of darkness. Although for the raindrops it may be up to fate to land them in their situation, I am someone that will work to use my experiences, adaptability, and compassion to strive to make our world a better place.please be blunt about my essay. I need help desperately. I didn't mean to post this message but I can't delete it so I'll just go on.
Also, does it not have enough of 'me' in it? I don't even know if my reader will understand the connection..
does it not have enough of 'me' in it? I don't even know if my reader will understand the connection..
Let the reader know the specifics about what you want to do in college and in your career. Invest at least one or two more sentences in that.
Rain can also help give birth to a new existences; it provides plants with their food, acts as the ultimate cleanser of impurities, and is essential to humans and other life. --- when you have this at the end of the first paragraph, the reader does not know what to think... I think another sentence should be added to the end of the first paragraph -- a thesis statement that tells the real MESSAGE of the whole essay...
Then, at the end of that first para, the reader will say, "Cool, right on... I get it."
Hey, why did you capitalize Sometimes?
Oh!! I see. You are missing a period for that first sentence.
