Boston University Undergraduate Application Essays
If anyone would be kind enough read and critique my essays, even if you can only read one, it would be GREATLY appreciated. Essay 1 is the one i'm more concerned with because its fairly rushed and needs the most critique.
Short Essay: In a few sentences, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission? (Characters available 750)
For a student who loves the city life, likes to see different faces, and aspires to help people, BU is the right fit. Growing up in Dorchester, Boston is no mystery to me. However there are still plenty of places I have yet to explore. With BU's unique atmosphere, priding itself on its diversity, I hope to make lasting friends with people from all over, while getting to know their cultures and way of life. Understanding and helping people has been a goal of mine, so I aspire to go into the medical field, potentially to save lives. BU's department of chemistry quickly interested me and became even more appealing after I read the descriptions of its fresh new labs and equipment, making it a place desirable to learn for the next four years.
747/750 Characters used
Essay 1 Please respond to one of the following questions in an essay of no more than 500 words: A. It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are? (Characters available 5000)
Wanting to leave a good impression, I stand up and give a firm handshake to my new roommate. Let me introduce myself, the name's Zach. I've lived in Boston all my life, even attended a high school practically down the street from here. I find life in the city awesome, with things always happening and new people to meet; I can never get bored of it. If you're not from around here, I could show you around. If you like sports we could go watch a Red Sox game or if you're more of an artsy type, I wouldn't mind going to the Museum of Fine Arts, but I rather see David Ortiz hit a homerun over the green monster. Maybe in the winter we could go to the frog pond to skate or I could introduce you to lobster, a New England delicacy at No Names seafood restaurant, a favorite of mine.
Personally I like to play video games in my free time, some I play competitively and gone to tournaments, sadly I haven't placed in the top three yet. I like all kinds of music, primarily rap, but recently I've fallen in love with Jazz, my favorite piece being Take Five by Dave Brubeck. I have been learning a few chords on the guitar, but never really got into play an instrument. I believe I'm fairly normal, but my eating habits are not. I despise French fries (you will have fun stealing those when we go to McDonald's), I often eat cereal for lunch and dinner, and I think peanut butter with waffles is delicious. I am a very methodical thinker so don't be surprised if I take 2 hours to write a single sentence when our next paper is due.
I am fairly athletic and being 6'2 since the summer of '09 has helped. I played hockey and baseball since I was 6, picked up football in high school my sophomore year, I even got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do when I was 13. I don't plan on playing any competitive sports in college because I want to focus on my grades, since my high school grades didn't show what I was capable of, I would like my colleges grades too. However I plan to keep active by going to gym during my free time, hopefully there are some less demanding intramural sports to play. On the other hand I'm a bit religious, I go to church every week, but I am very open to others beliefs and respect them, I would hate to make you feel uncomfortable if you practice a different kind or none at all. Once I start something I see it through to the end, almost stubbornly, whether it be Tae Kwon Do lessons I took as a kid or the Calculus problem that refused to make sense.
I am determined to go into the medical field when I am older because I love to help people. I am inspired by my parents. My mother came from Haiti at the age of 18 and was able to become a radiologic technologist. Being a nurse in the emergency room at Mass General Hospital, my dad would always tell me stories of a crazy patient he had, showing a more amusing side of his work. I plan to major in chemistry because science has always interested me; chemistry in particular amazed me with its concepts about thermodynamics, electrochemistry and kinetics. Sorry if I am boring you, I'm just a little nervous and excited to start the school year, hopefully it's a successful one for both of us.
3169/5000 Characters used, 604/500 words used I don't think going over the word limit is too much of a problem from what I've looked up and I'm still well below the character limit.
Feel free to openly critique, applaud, or suggest anything you may want about my writing.
Short Essay: Overall is it good! It clearly shows your main reasons for apply to BU. Just a couple awk sentences here and there.
"However there are still plenty of places I have yet to explore." For some reason, this sentence just felt a bit out of place to me.
"BU's department of chemistry quickly interested me and became even more appealing after I read the descriptions of its fresh new labs and equipment, making it a place desirable to learn for the next four years." By tacking on the "making it a place...", the sentence kinda becomes awk. You should split it up into two sentences.
Roommate essay:
I agree with gotpho on the taking out the first sentence. Just starting with "Let me introduce myself..." is good. I'm slightly worried about the "the name's Zach" part being too laid back but then again you're talking to your roommate so that should be okay! You covered quite a lot about yourself and I feel like its kind of just a whole bunch of hobbies packed together. First paragraph and last paragraph are good, but I feel like your middle two has just too much info. You jump from talking about music in one sentence to eating and then to thinking the next. I'd suggest picking a few hobbies and just elaborating on those. And being more personal! I liked the little humor you added in there though!
Good luck! :)
I'm applying to BU too and does your common app say the supplements are due on the 2nd? I know the official BU site says its due the 3rd...
Thanks for the Feedback, altang1, it was helpful.
"However there are still plenty of places I have yet to explore .
I'm going to remove this sentence because it doesn't really say much about why i am applying.
What would you suggest i keep in those 2 middle paragraphs or should i come up with new hobbies.
I'll make corrects later, too tired now.
and Yea my Common App says BU's deadline is the 2nd too, idk i trust that the official website is correct, but im not sure if there will be problems submiting if its after the common app deadline.
I was looking at a bunch of Stanford apps where they were answering, "What would you want your roommate to know?"
I saw two which addressed the roommate in a letter form, it was sort of, "Hey Roommate, what's up"
I feel what you need to do is just be a little more laid back in your writing. The essay is a little too much of a statement which, although states many qualities, does not reveal your personality. Your first paragraph was strong but I think the other paragraphs need a little more of a wow factor. Hope this helps!
And thanks again for looking at my essay :)
Oh and I just submitted my app to BU too!. Hopefully I'll see you there next year :)
Good luck
